Roll On: It Has Been 70 Days and My Anxiety



This one is to all my friend having any hard time - I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU.

Hug Jungkook GIF - Hug Jungkook Bts GIFs


I was trying so hard to dodge this topic. From the moment I started working, I realize I have this anxiousness. I keep telling myself it was just me trying to settle in but I guess I still am because this anxiety things keep on coming. I kinda hate calling it anxiety as anxiety itself is a kind of mental disease and I really *really* didn't think that I am that bad but anywayyyy.

It is hard. For the first couple of weeks, I kept telling myself that I am adapting and my body is just tired. I thought that by going home each week and spending more time at work - it will get better - I can do this. It still feels so overwhelming. TOO OVERWHELMING.

I wasn't sleeping well. At times I keep on waking up in the middle of the night. I keep having vivid dreams about problems at work that I actually woke up and thought it was real which means spending the next five minutes contemplating "why did I do that" until I realized it was just a dream. I tried to manage priorities for my PRP requirement and then spending the next 5 minutes worrying what if things didn't go as I planned etc etc etc even though I know well that I can't control anything. Not to mention that I have to physically remind myself almost every morning that I can do this (and I know well that I can too) and simply just breath properly.

The real big issue is that I am well aware that I didn't suppose to feel this way - but I still do.

On top of that, I thought my room was depressing. So I start with this mini makeover which was a success and actually makes my room feel a bit like safe haven though now I realize that I really miss myself some real companies.

I wasn't really a person that have those good buddies to hang out all the time and simply Whatsapp-ing every one minute. I always kept to myself. But I do have a circle of people that are always there during my time in UKM. I didn't mind being solitary because everyone knows that Afifah keeps her shit well together and is a good reference to check your shit. But what I failed to realize is that I was so well put because I still have this circle of people I know I can count on and be comfortable with.

I went to KL last Saturday night and spent the night at a hotel with my sister - it was such a simple night. We watched some lame horror movie starred by Fattah Amin, ordered a takeaway and gleefully glee-ing over BTS. It feels so calming. The next day, I had a nice breakfast with light reading and shopping - books, earplugs, white coats, shoes, some present for sisters and obnoxiously expensive manicure. Next, I have my lunch at Sushi King (craved satisfied - FINALLY) with my friend - we talked like nobody business. I told her about my anxiety and she told me how hard pharmacy is and of course me agreeing and failing to keep her spirit up - leave those to the positive-minded people because I am totally done sending good vibes.

source
It's good to do things that take my mind of my problems but this is temporary. I am now back at my room still feeling just the same. That's what I realized the most that everything was just a distraction until I am back at feeling miserable. My friend and I were contemplating if pharmacy wasn't for us - when we both realized that the hard work and the expectation (of other and ourselves) is what been bugging us. For this "hard word" to stop being an issue - we just have to work a couple more years (pfft) for us to become "well-trained" and yeah, we need to stop expecting too much. Nobody born a genius overnight.

Although this is gonna sound like a lie after what I have just written - I am very well good sir/madam.

Please don't worry about me. It's a fight but now I know how to go about it like come on - it has been 70 days already, I ought to properly manage this. Afifah keeps her shit well together - remember?


source

17 comments

  1. I'm currently felt it too, having a hard time at work, thinking that I don't deserve the position and maybe, just maybe, architecture wasn't for me :'(
    I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time but I hope you'll manage and overcome it as soon as possible. Stay strong!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for such well wish. I guess we just have to do it for a year or two until we truly get the hang the job to truly decide if it is for us or not. Until then, keep on fighting.

      Delete
  2. Stay strong. You can do this, insya Allah :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sounds tough but you are keeping it together. What else can I say. Good job and all the best! :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. mrs pip dtg singgah sini, just to say HI ....
    alaaa, kenapa ada anxiety pula ni ...?
    hope you are always fine.
    take care, and cheers.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I hope you are doing well, Afifah. I mean you, yourself, is well. Though, it is hard. Gotta admit that. Maybe my words isn't comforting enough but insha Allah, you can pull this off.

    Honestly, I do understand it is harder because I am feeling the same thing as you are in this couple of years and it is hard sometimes with those negative thinking starts to attack and starting to feel anxious in everything.So, I guess I failed to give you some comforting words :/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nahh, it helps knowing someone can understand me and actually pull it off. you gave hope :)

      Delete
  6. even i don't know u and of course u not knowing me but fighting!!! never lost hope :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. "I wasn't really a person that have those good buddies to hang out all the time and simply Whatsapp-ing every one minute. I always kept to myself" - we're twinnies in this matter..

    Anyways, I really hope you would have better dream and led a better life.. 💕

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. hey twinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

      yeah, some stupid sweet dream would be good.

      Delete
  8. Don't forget to eat. Sleep well. Take of yourself. Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anxiety can be so exhausting and all consuming. On top of that, it just makes no sense. I have found many times where I have been locked in an internal struggle. Anxiety trying to make me feel something, that I know is not right, yet still it goes on. You have to try and find some way to relax a little bit and have a 'happy place'. I hope you will be able to ease your anxiety, while still managing to do the things that are important to you. :)

    https://kassy.blog

    ReplyDelete