My (Really Tired) Self Awareness Onion

My (Really Tired) Self Awareness Onion

Jun 1, 2026

I need to put my menstrual cycle back into my calendar. I’ve been feeling so lethargic for the past few days. It has been so hard for me to wake up in the morning. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m getting my period, but this feels a bit too much, really.

We went out for a breakfast date last Friday as a pick-me-up. I thought getting out and about would do the trick. We also had a look around at KipMall Bangi because I had never been there before while getting some groceries. It was around 12.30pm when my husband dropped me off at home because he needed to go for Jumaat prayer. We had a heavy breakfast, so I thought I’d chill for a bit before getting lunch started, but I ended up falling asleep and didn’t even realize my husband had come back. He had to wake me up to check on me because it was weird that I had been asleep for so long. I woke up feeling so groggy too.

I even took a long nap yesterday evening after lunch. We also had swimming class for the kids in the morning. I thought it was only an hour, but it was actually almost four hours. The most amazing thing is that I didn’t even realize my husband had woken up (I made him nap with me), and he even had to wake me up twice. The second time was really only needed because I hadn’t done my Asar prayer yet.

Ok, enough about my tiredness. I need to get on with a little self-project to reflect on the books I’m reading. I did one about Tentang Pilihan before. I didn’t finish that book yet, but I’m also reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck. There’s a topic that I would like to reflect further on, which is The Self-Awareness Onion.

The self-awareness onion is like that 5 Whys stuff, but more focused on your emotions and values, and maybe even beyond that. I guess if you focus your 5 Whys beyond the emotional level, then you’d probably get similar results.

I’ll go with this layering summed up by ChatGPT:

• Outer layer → situation/thoughts
• Middle layer → emotions/reactions
• Deeper layer → assumptions/values
• Core → identity/fear/ego

ChatGPT also suggested some points for reflection, and I decided to do this self-awareness practice on two things that have been bugging me for the longest time:

1. Productivity and Rest
2. Phone Scrolling and Escapism

Productivity and Rest – What kind of situations make me feel behind even though I have done enough?

I always feel like all my time has to be used productively. It’s a bit unfair though because I still need rest after working the whole day. For example, if I have a noon shift, then my morning will be free. I feel like I need to use that time to do productive things. If I don’t, I realize my mood for the day gets dragged down too. But then, if I worked a noon shift the day before, of course I’ll still be tired.

I start to feel restless and anxious — like I need to be using this time productively, just keep going. Sometimes I need to be on the phone to do these “tasks” and end up getting distracted by social media. Then I start counting how much time I’ve wasted that should’ve been spent elsewhere. I even have a list of things I can do stuck on the wall in my bedroom to remind me. Sometimes I actually do all of it and still don’t feel fulfilled or satisfied.

Now that we’re on this topic, I realized that I feel a lot better if I go to the gym. I can cook, be out and about, and generally feel more functional. The opposite happens when I don’t go to the gym. No matter what book I read or what chores I’ve done, the satisfaction I get from going to the gym somehow feels better. Funnily enough, my list of things to do doesn’t even include the gym. I simply thought those were the things to do if I didn’t go to the gym.

I’ve also gained more weight this past year, and now I’ve started to dissociate a bit from how I look. You know how sometimes you still feel like yourself with just a bit of extra weight? But now I’ve gained almost 20kg, and I’m having this epiphany that I am really, actually, fat. So probably this has been weighing on my mind more than I realized, and going to the gym makes me feel good because of that. Or maybe it’s simply the exercise and all those happy hormones etc etc etc.

So if we’re focusing on feeling “enough,” then my solution should be going to the gym, right? At least by being active, I’ll probably stop having this brain fog and can actually be productive, thus not feeling so guilty when resting.

If we go deeper I need to understand why am I afraid of not being productive. Well mostly I guess that I'm not doing enough to provide myself well when I'm old. I don't think I really care about comparing myself to others. If anything, I'm comparing if I'm not preparing enough. I don't really plan well in life. Just go with the flow. So if I don't do something productive I'm afraid I will let myself be comfortable and then really, really, not doing and let my life just passes. Then when I'm old, I'll be in dead trouble.

Ok, I’m not sure if I’m on the right track, but let’s peel more onions on the next topic.

Phone Scrolling and Escapism – Stopping the Doom Scrolling

I guess this part is pretty much related to the first one, but I want to address that addicting feeling that comes from doom scrolling. I usually do this when I want an escape. Usually after a tiring day, either physically or mentally. I just want to switch off my brain and go into nothingness wonderland.

It also makes me feel even more unproductive. I want to be able to switch to other things to entertain myself — reading, watching Netflix, cooking, doing chores, even the gym — but I still end up having the urge to doom scroll after. Especially after work, even though it’s already late.

I even feel like I can reward myself with doom scrolling after doing those other productive things, which were supposed to help me stop doom scrolling in the first place. This feels endless.

My guess for now is that it’s just addiction. There’s this dopamine detox stuff. I probably need that.

Hmmm, penatlah kupas bawang niii.

Learning to Improve Life

Learning to Improve Life

May 15, 2026

I'm feeling sick. It's not full blown cold but I'm just not feeling my best. This is the most annoying really. I don't really want to do much. I keep on scrolling on my phone and when I want to watch something on Netflix, I just got distracted. I'm now watching Marie Kondo's show and somehow I can enjoy them Then I remember that I didn't really allow myself to rest when I actually needs to. Does this show make me feel productive thus I'm able to watch it?

I need to learn this resting thing more. I find that I'm able to do these more abstract things and even more straightforward thing when I understand them better. Like how salicylic acid cleanser works and what is fluoridated toothpaste and waking up early. Yesterday I was reading this random article about why it was so hard to wake up early for Subuh and the approach told was a mix of modern affirmation stuff and it just triggers like this undersatnding in me. 

I really need to learn all kinds of things. I love learning things that directly reflects my life. I feel like this is an important step of my life to "upgrade" it. It's not about I'm not in a good place. I just want to continue improving my life. I need to find more platform to learn and I found that there are many materials available for it. For instance, material like Marie Kondo book.

One of the best and least effort platform is Spotify's podcast. I also sign up for  a journaling workshop. I think it's supposed to be about self discovery. I just want to go out and about and see what it has to offer. I need this cold to be fully healed tho or else I'm not going to be able to enjoy it.

I've been doing more focused things for work. I did waste a lot of time learning random things for it. Mostly parameters to monitor work more efficiently and also training materials. I feel so good able to learn these but I would love to be more intentional and structured about it. 

My Instagram is showing ads of all these courses and I feel overwhelmed but I'll choose through and plan well. Apparently, according to ChatGPT, course about public is also good for self development even if I'm not going be using it for work. I do think free ones will not be doing it for me. I found one from Harith  Iskander and it's more to promote their paid ones and it does seems like they are looking for talent too. It's not bad per se but it's not useful for me. I think I'll scroll through my social media to research more. I found one that provide health related content and it's free called SOL Integrative Wellness Centre. I'm not really sure if it is a training centre or is it a clinic. I think I'm going to do a list on this.

That's all from me today. I'm feeling a whole lot better now. I'm going to fold some clothes and I want to cook a really good lunch to work my appetite. I'm not sure what will work with my throat feel itchy but I need it to feel better.

If You Know, Then You Know.

If You Know, Then You Know.

May 5, 2026

For future me, you didn’t post for two days straight—you just forgot to publish the last one. It was supposed to be posted on 1/5/2026. This one was also supposed to be published yesterday.

I am waiting excitedly for a new bag I bought for my tablet and keyboard. It has been so heavy hauling everything inside my handbag. I also bought a new book for journaling, and I hope it will turn out good. I do wonder if I’m just made for online journaling—i.e., doing this, writing on my blog.

I had three days off. I went to my friend’s wedding, and I was so happy for her. Then I spent a night in my hometown. The last time I went home was last August. I even went to my parents’ grave. I don’t know why I don’t like going there. I didn’t feel really connected somehow. I feel a lot more connected when I’m praying for them after my solat.

Today was a little dizzying. I know I need to be doing a lot, but I just can’t remember or focus because there are little things that keep taking my attention. Mostly, it was my siblings, since we got together this weekend, so topics of next activities and repairs around the home were discussed. Also, we need to settle this pusaka thingy, which clashes with my dental appointment. My head is spinnniiinggggg.

Apart from that, I need to focus on my work. For now, I aim to quickly settle the material needed for onboarding. I need to liaise with people. I just want to be done with it quickly. I need to tweak these introductory slides—I had a good idea of what I needed to add into them, but of course I didn’t note it down, so now I forgot. I also need to follow up with zakat. Actually, I’ve been texting people while writing this because, of course, I just remembered.

There are certain SKUs we have issues with while doing invoices, which reminds me I need to prepare material about different inventory-related terms. I’m so confused about how to prevent these SKU issues. I really hate it when issues are system-wise, but no proper systematic approach is done to prevent them. It’s simply: if you know, then you know. If you don’t, then problems.

Okay, let’s work on it.

Career Talk

Career Talk

May 4, 2026

I noticed a crack on my tablet today and almost let it get to me. Just as I was about to get annoyed, I remembered I have a tempered glass protector on—everything is fine. False alarm, folks. Today is still a good day.

We had a meeting between the pharmacists and headquarters today. I’m still a bit confused about what the official name for it is, but I know it’s intended to be a deep dive into sales planning, understanding the market, and improving our knowledge—covering both soft skills (like leadership and personality) and clinical expertise. This is only the second time we’ve held this session.

During the meeting, the topic of journaling came up. When I asked what I should actually write about, a new staff member from HQ explained her own process. It was nice to see someone share their perspective. Another person mentioned that journaling is about seeing the changes we’ve gone through in retrospect. Regardless, I’ve bought a new book for journaling and I plan to write every random thought inside it. Wish me luck!

Apart from that, I want to deep dive today into a topic from a book I’m reading called Tentang Pilihan. I was originally more interested in the author than the subject itself, but the concepts inside are very educational.

I want to try an exercise from the book where I tabulate my interests, skillsets, and related career paths. I couldn't quite think deeply enough on my own, so I prompted Gemini to help me discuss it in detail.

Here is how it looks:

Category	Your Attributes
Passions	Tabulating data, creating spreadsheets, administrative organization, and structured training/teaching.
Skillset (Kelebihan)	Corporate-level document design, inventory strategy, supplier relationship management, and high-impact sales training.
Working Style	Stern, straightforward, and efficiency-driven. You prefer high-impact "behind-the-scenes" influence over constant face-to-face retail interaction.
The "Sweet Spot"	You aren't just a pharmacist; you are a Pharmacy Operations Strategist.

AI always has a way to butter up a person because this sound too cool. But we'll take it! Then, I asked for suggestions on different career paths:

 The Clinical Education Path

1. Clinical Training Manager (Corporate HQ)
2. Medical Science Liaison (MSL)
3. Technical / Product Trainer

The Operations & Systems Path (The Architect)

1. Pharmacy Operations Excellence Manager
2. Procurement & Category Manager
3. Quality Assurance (QA) / Regulatory Affairs Manager

The Hybrid / Leadership Path

1. Medical Education Lead (Pharma MNC)
2. Clinical Operations Lead (Health-Tech Startups)

 

I was wondering if this skillset—which feels like a newfound discovery—means I need to change my career. Looking back, I’ve always realized I had these predilections, but I initially dismissed them as just general "life skills" I happened to be good at. I have a natural knack for understanding systems, mastering SOPs, and creating the kind of corporate-level work that isn't typically taught in a retail setting.

It’s a far cry from why I originally chose retail pharmacy; back then, I didn't want to stay behind a desk and I loved the idea of constantly interacting with new people. But after years in the field, I’ve honed these analytical skills to fit the retail environment perfectly. At this point, I’ve realized I don’t actually mind moving away from constant customer interaction. While I still enjoy it, I prefer it not to be my sole purpose. I’ve found that I actually serve customers better when it's something I do "on the side" rather than my primary focus.

The next thing I need to focus on is building my portfolio around this direction. However, I realize it’s difficult to secure these positions because they are limited in number and usually require building from the bottom up within the same company.

Lastly, I know I would lose my passion if the company culture didn't align with my values. Which is precisely where most of the positions is available at. I’m not saying I’m letting race create a bias, but working in a Bumiputera-led environment aligns well with my spiritual needs, which ultimately helps me enjoy my work better.

For my own satisfaction—and to ensure I’m ready if the right door opens—I’ve decided to make the most of my current role at the startup. Startups are the perfect place to experiment, so I’m going to take every chance I get to build a solid portfolio. Gemini actually framed a sound strategy for this, and I’m going to start tracking these pillars:

Building the "Strategist" Portfolio

1. The "Killer" Materials: I’m going to start keeping copies of every training slide and manual I draft. These aren't just work tasks; they are my "design portfolio" that proves I can communicate complex ideas and structure information effectively.
2. The Data Wins: I need to start writing down the exact impact of my supplier and inventory decisions. Instead of just "managing" things, I want to show results—like how I created a procurement system that unified 5+ outlets and helped us hit sales targets for the first time.
3. The "Deep Dive" Success: I’ll use my specific clinical modules, like the kidney toxicity training, as case studies. It’s a perfect example of how I can translate high-level science into actionable knowledge that the staff can actually use.

Wow. This took a lot of my time today. We'll stop for now. 

Getting Excited.

Getting Excited.

Apr 27, 2026

I usually write on my tablet with a wireless keyboard, but it broke recently. At first I thought it just needed charging, so I kept putting off updating my blog for a few days—only to realize it was actually broken. I bought a new one, but somehow I still didn’t get around to writing.

Anyway, my last post was about feeling tired. That was on the 1st of April, and now the month is already ending. Not much happened, which feels like a shame—there’s no way a whole month should just pass by like that. That’s exactly why I wanted to start blogging and journaling in the first place.

I did go on a short three-day trip to Kuching with my in-laws and my husband’s sister’s family—nine of us in total. It was a simple trip, but we managed to do quite a lot. It’s been two weeks since then, and even though I had a proper break, I still feel so tired. On top of that, my shoulder has been sore, and I’ve been dealing with a nagging toothache that probably needs a root canal.

I really need to get back to the gym and be more disciplined about brushing my teeth before bed. Why do such small things feel so exhausting? Between trips, meet-ups, and low moods at work, I’ve also been overeating—especially snacks. Regular meals just feel bland lately, and I don’t have much appetite for them. It’s confusing, honestly, because I’m not even losing weight.

On a happier note, my friend is getting married this Saturday, and I’m really excited. After that, I’ll head back to Manjung for a night. I can’t even remember the last time I went home since my siblings usually come over or we travel together instead. I’m thinking of bringing the kids to visit my parents’ grave.

One of my staff is leaving earlier than expected. Honestly, I’m taking it as a blessing. Having a difficult teammate is draining. The rest of the team has called him out—sometimes directly, sometimes sarcastically—but he just doesn’t seem to care. At some point, it’s almost impressive.

I think this constant tiredness is making it harder for me to feel excited about things, or maybe even to be excited at all. Everything just feels a bit heavier and gloomier. So I’m trying to focus on the good.

I met up with my friends the week before Kuching—Alhamdulillah we’re still able to make time for each other. I also finally started planning a reunion with my degree friends. It’s been about nine or ten years since we graduated, which feels unreal. I really hope it comes together.

My husband bought me a simple ring with his initial, and for some reason, it made me happier than the expensive handbag he got me. I always thought I preferred practical gifts, but this one made my heart giddy. It’s nice discovering this side of myself through him. And today, he made naan bread with chicken curry for dinner—it was so good.

Lately, kakak has been opening up to me more, sharing things that feel quite personal, even if she says them casually. I don’t know if she fully understands how meaningful that is, but I’m grateful. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like a “good enough” mother figure, but I want her to know she can always count on me—that this is a safe space for her. It’s hard to explain that to a nine-year-old.

I also converted a series of lectures on akhlak into audio so I can listen while driving. I really enjoy learning about it in depth, but I struggle to sit down and focus at home. Listening in the car works better—even if I don’t catch everything, I can always replay it.

One day in mid-April, I went to IOI Putrajaya. I don’t usually enjoy malls, especially big ones, but having my husband drive helped. I mainly wanted to go to Nitori and Muji to get proper cleaning tools—I’ve had enough of the ones from Mr DIY and Shopee. I ended up spending around RM200 on brushes, a duster, and a mirror (the only non-cleaning item). Strangely, it felt so satisfying, and I actually enjoyed cleaning the toilet after. Even my younger self would have appreciated the quality.

I think I’ll stop here. My shoulder is starting to hurt from sitting and typing, and it’s so hot. Time to sleep—and yes, to brush my teeth first.

It doesn’t feel so bad now.

I'm So Tired

I'm So Tired

Apr 1, 2026

I am so tired. So, I started to get more tired by the third week of Ramadhan. They say it's because of the lack of sleep and the low sugar finally catching up and crashing on our body. I got more morning shift at the end of Ramadhan so I can go to surau for teraweeh which helps a lot to keep my spirit up. Then come Eid. We went to my husband hometown in Lenggong and it was so hot. It made me feels so demotivated to do much. Then, I had to work during third and fourth of Eid. Afterwards, I get to cuti some more to spend time with my side of the family. We went to Cameron Highlands. We planned it well so it wasn't too crowded but I did get my period while I was there so I still got so tired. Now I'm back at work and literally counting the hours to my next off days eventho I have noon shift but I didn't sleep in. I just don't feel like it even tho I still feels so so tired.

It feels like forever being so damn tired. I'm just so tired being tired 😩 😩 😩 😩

I think I needed a good massage to get my body just let loose. Somehow, it feels like it still clings to staying up and about when I should be letting loose and relax.

I realize that my body is so tune to be that way because I used to work for almost three years like that. Always on the go, on the edge. This new job is way more relaxed. However, I feel like since I have more free time, I owe this "freedom" for more behind the scene efforts like more data analysis, more training and stuff and just doing whatever possible to stay moving. I just don't know when to stop. Even tho my mental load is a whole lot lighter now, I still be creating new ones either to fill this freedom or just in the name of living "the" life - ie I have more time now, let's read a lot or do more creative things or cook more.

I got into this realisation when I want to design my work planner. I feel like my old planner is not doing it anymore. So I go through my thought process in doing work and try to come out with ways so that I can adjust accordingly to be more relaxed. I want to be more present at work too even if it means to bersembang saja instead of having multiple tabs in my brain thinking/planning and lost track of what's in front of me. I also finds that it hinders me to think more strategically too. 

So the mantra here is to live more relaxed but present. Doing things more intentionally. I know I'm able to do more of these now than I did before but I still didn't feel really connected to it. It just feels robotic instead of intentionally chosing this way so I'm living the kind if life that I want.

INTENTION.

I think this is what I lack the most. Need to start things with Nawaitu. A more intentional ones.