Ramadhan and Still Not Feeling It

Ramadhan and Still Not Feeling It

Feb 17, 2026

In two days, it will be Ramadhan. I talk about how I was feeling off during my PMS. To be honest, these off-ness has been awhile now and I'm not sure anymore if it is just PMS. But, coffee has always been my go to for a little bit of pickup, so I can't help but dreading that I can't drink coffee during Ramadhan. For the past two years or so, I have come to embrace just drinking coffee during sahur as well. I'll also make a light one during iftar. I honestly can handle thirstiness better than feeling all groggy and slow during the day. I try to do more physical kind of tasks too but it's not really much as my jobscope mainly needs me to be on the screen - planning, reporting, ordering, etc.

I haven't written in 5 days. On the first day, it was a full day shift. I remember feeling so tired and just not feeling energised after waking up from sleep for days after. I have a half day last Saturday and decided to bring the kids to work. They have a short one week break now for CNY and first of Ramadhan. Since I have the chance to do so, I took a half day and then it was my off days for the next Sunday and Monday. I wanted to spend more time with them but that means, I didn't have much time to write. 

My siblings came during Saturday night and stayed for a night. We went to this food court area nearby for dinner but sadly some of the foods that we have eaten twice before has downgraded in quality. I was disappointed because it is a really comfortable and fun food court place with lots of choices.

We went to a relative home on Sunday. We have makan-makan sessions with BBQ and kari kepala ikan. I also bought some marshmallows and cookies for the kids to make smores. Then, come Monday. I was adamant to go for a massage but I forgot that our go-to massage place was a chinese establishments. It was closed for CNY. I was so dissapointed and went back home and just sleep. I'll just go when they reopen.

Then, I brought the kids to the bookstore and we bought some arts and crafts supplies. They were having too much fun but then it's great that they don't just play on their iPad. My husband however can't stand seeing the mess. I just told the kids to play well so it doesn't really become messy. Now tell me why this man was bothering the kids to kemas everything because they have to go their grandparents home in two hours but then come into the bedroom to take a nap. 

I am so not feeling it to go working today. I'll make another coffee, sweeter this time. I'll focus to tend to the customer and order for this one supplier as well as contacting this new PIC of another branch to schedule appointment so we can review her invoice/payment documentations. For now, let's cook lunch, get ready for work, eats and go to work. 

Happy Ramadhan to all of us and may it be the most blessed of all.

Feeling Off

Feeling Off

Feb 10, 2026

My PMS includes being in kind of a low mood. I always thought that I'm just more tired. Once I started dating my husband, having a space I can just be whatever, I realize that I was being more than just tired. I got more sensitive, more overthinking but then more hopeless too as at that same time , I just don't want to do anything. I'm just not on my best game. 

When you're working in sales, that just a really tiring state to be. You just don't want to do anything but then you can't be this way when entertaining a customer. I learned from Chatgpt that these switching, it also physically tiring to your body. I was confused why I just crashes after work at times and turns out this plays a role too. This will happen around a week. Then my period came.

I'll be looking more positively at life but this time, I am actually worn out tired. The bleeding and the cramps will take more toll on my body. Not to mention as I am actually just in a constant mode of overthinking mess, I'll try to compensate whatever I was "not" during my PMS. 

I was thinking that OCP might helps, they have these low dose ones meant to be more stable for you body, but then I always forgets them. Maybe I should try again as my periods has been funny too. It might not work. I'm just an avid overthinker in general. Just in different mode at times.

Maybe I am getting old. I remember how refreshing and high spirited I was in my twenties. Going to work with excitement and energy. But now, I woke up feeling tired. I need more deep sleep really. I slept quite well the past two nights but I had the weirdest dream. I can't remember them now except how weird it was.

How can I went for exercise if I don't have the energy to do so or was it really in my mind only? 

Oh ya, I need to reason out on days that I don't write. 

On 6th - because I have a full day shift

On 7th - it was my off day and we spent the entire morning outside and then do movies/chores in the evening. I just don't feel like pulling put my keyboard to write afterwards since I want to sleep early.

On 8th - I have a noon shift and I should write before going to work. In between Netflix and sleepiness and cooking lunch, I thought I have the time but I misjudged. I was thinking to do a quick writing during break at work but I went into work with multiple issues to be settled right on that time so with all that mess, I just want to chill during my break.

Do I Have ADHD?

Do I Have ADHD?

Feb 5, 2026

For some reasons, my social media been advertising about ADHD. I can't remember what kind of advertisement that I came across yesterday but the catchphrase was something along believing that I can get ready to work in 7 minutes. I can't get ready in 7 minutes, but I do have this thing where I just do other things or just chill until the very last minute to get ready. Like for example, the commonest thing that I'd do, is just like now. Now, it is 11.25am, I should be in the car by 12.30pm. 

But have I showered? No. Do I planned to cook for lunch? Yes. Did I just start a show in Netflix and writing in this blog at the same time? Yes. The show is on hold, I just realized I can't do both at the same time. Shocker.

I think I need to get on that ADHD stuff. I might not actually have it, but whatever tips and tricks to get through life with ADHD probably would somehow works on me.

Besides that, let's review my plan to write everyday. This is decided end of January 2026. Today it the 4th of February. I have successfully written twice. It's ok. I think I just need to commit as it is but I'm putting a new rule. Whenever I missed any day, I need to reason it out.

For the pass two days, I was so out of it. I'm not sure why. This is why I've been pondering about the ADHD stuff. I was out of it at work too. I think one of the main reason is that I was feeling hopeless due to some important stocks that I don't have combine with the pressure of doing online training video. I was not in my game. I feel like I was doing all kinds of things but then nothing really was done. I've been doing this daily work planner which helped a lot to make me stays sane. It's just that there's hiccups here and there and it postponed things which means I need to do other things to compensate the postponed things. Just the usually retail chaos. I really don't like the feeling of those controlling me instead of me controlling them. I have few reflections though, to prevent this from happening again.

First, I need to detail my to do list. ALWAYS GET THING WRITTEN INTO YOUR PLANNER PLEASE AFIFAH. Secondly, I need a new documentation ways to records ideas/compensatory mechanisms I have done so instead of being a rescue mission, I prevent from needing rescue at the first place. Thirdly, I need to do a list of tasks I can ask my staff to do, I feel like I need to really utilize them. Lastly, I need to exercise, I've been putting gym on hold now my knees hurts again. I did a YouTube workout this morning and I'm feeling great now. 

That's it for today. I'm going to cook the chicken and brings bekal to work. Also, I need to finish the chili that I have been frozen for the longest time.

Weekend Well Spent

Weekend Well Spent

Feb 2, 2026

I didn't manage to write yesterday because I was out all day. We went out for a late breakfast. I took my time to get ready. It was just the two of us because the kids were at the grandparent's house (on their mother side). My husband has started this new work/business/venture, I'm not sure what to call it really, but he has been so busy. He was more laid-back at back at his previous job, so we're not spending much time together. We were spending more time together before because his previous job with his uncle is more laid-back so he can adjust his time to match with my shifts.

After days of exasperatingly whining that I didn't get enough attention, I made him went out for breakfast at this cute cafe near our apartment. Then we went to a foot spa to finally has his cracked feet callous taken care of while I did foot massage. Afterwards, we went to this new shop lot area as they just got funding and wanted to open a new branch. I just stayed in the car while I saw them talking and pointing to things around the shop lot and at some point, he was showing off his brand new polished heel. 

We then went to his uncle house. His side of the family were gathering together for a small potluck feast with BBQ chicken and my personal favourite, kerabu pucuk paku with perut made by his opah. I ate a lot. Then we did Yasin before saying our goodbye. By the time we reached back to our town, it was already late evening. 

I sneak out some time to video call Muaz, my 8 years old brother. I told him I miss him and ask him about chess pieces, his new obsession. My sister is giving him a chess set and it has been so funny because all of us didn't really play chess. Turns out my husband plays a little so probably Muaz can play with him on his new chess set. Then, we did our groceries before finally going back home. 

It was just turns to Maghrib when we reached home. I cooked sambal for dinner because my husband was surprisingly hungry. Turns out, he didn't each much during lunch because there were no sambal. It was his favourite, I noticed that my MIL will always cooks it for him but this time, my MIL cooks sayur only. 

By the time we had dinner, it was already 9-ish. We chill around watching some anime. I don't even know what I was watching. It was my husband show. I did ask random questions throughout. It has been a routine somehow for me to join watching his anime and ask questions as if I'm going to watch more. All and all, it was a fullfiling day with good food and good companions. 

Today is still my day off. There is a new staff coming in today. I hope she'll be a good and long term fixture to the team. Also, I hope I'm diligent enough to iron the kids school uniform today 😏

Writing to Rest

Writing to Rest

Jan 31, 2026

So I had this notion where I'll write more during my last post and ended up not writing for almost two years. TWO YEARS. Omg, how time passes. 

This time, I'm publishing this post under Blogspot domain. I think it's not relevant anymore for me to pay NetKL from the .com domain. I guess I was thinking to get like a traction or something but I decided I'll just write whatever. 

Some quick recap of changes in this two years.

I met a guy and I fall in love. Got married. He got two kids so now I'm a mother as well. We all have lived together for almost a year now. He makes me feel so comfortable so I feel like it's just like this peaceful living. The kids and me, has also learned that I'm not the typical female figure in their life who just pampers them. I guess it's a really steep and big learning curve for the three of us - me, the instant mother and them, the kids from a divorced parent. We're meeting halfway and it has been endearing to really, really, know them.

I'm not working in those big chain pharmacy anymore. I've quit one and moved to Selangor, and then starts at another big chain pharmacy for like two months and quits again. Now, I'm working at small pharmacy in a sub urban almost kampung area. 

One big thing I realize is that my nervous system has calmed greatly. No more constant feeling that I need to do something or worry about something. I'm going to write about this in depth. 

One of the key reason I'm writing again is I think to regulate myself. I've been going bouts in Chatgpt and I realized that I didn't really allow myself to rest. Now that I'm in an environment of not having to watch out my back all the time worrying something wrong is about to happen or forgetting to do that one little thing, I have time and space to just be. I've been going about things to do and I realized that I need to get grounded but to still feel like I'm still doing things. These things also has to be something that is "easy" for my mind. One easy yet rather funny thing that I found helps is to watch this Rosia Maio videos at YouTube. It's just so calming to see her live such a life with ease. But this doesn't feel like I'm accomplishing something instead of learning about Italian culture. So I dig deep withing myself (lol), and realized, I should just start writing. Journaling things. 

This is such a great idea because ;

1. I'll be writing, in the zone, focused, not putting my mind in constant mode of need to be productive.

2. I'll be journaling, this is a habit I have been wanting to cultivate for the longest time.

Ok, hopefully, I'll write again tomorrow. Allahumma Amin.

Starting Somewhere

Starting Somewhere

Apr 24, 2024

I haven't posted for a year and a half. I posted something about living in my late twenties last time and now I'm 31. I still keep paying for the domain though. Mostly because I wanted that domain all to myself - just in case. 

A lot has happened. My father died due to a heart attack and now there are just us. I have been put in charge of my outlet for more than a year now and I am so stressed out about that. I get to do two Ramadhan and Raya fully at home, so grateful. I wanted to travel more before my passport expires so I made two trips to Singapore and once to both Thailand (Bangkok and Phuket) and Vietnam (Ho Chi Minh and Dalat). The trips were so good and I love the style that we did it.

Also, I met a guy. He's great and I'm so in love.

I guess this pretty much summed up much of what has happened. If we go into detail, I would have so much to say about everything. From how messed up I'm feeling at work but at the same time feeling fulfilled to how much I love feeling in love to all the little fun trips and cafe hopping I get to do too plus being able to spend more time with my family. For now, this is a good summary.

So here I am - writing again after so long. I have been meaning to write for months because writing always clears my mind. I thought it could help me reset my mind and get more focused to improve my work and personal life. The problem is I don't feel "calmed and focused" enough to actually start writing. Not to mention with everything happening, writing really didn't sit well as priorities at all which is really a shame for me knowing how this has work well for me the last time I have a turmoil in my life.

A lot has happened for the last two months at work which has greatly affected my mental health as well as my personal life. It has also put me into deeper reflection and internal discussion with myself. I also got my manager into it. It got me thinking if quitting is the solution yet it's not like I feel I'm not able to handle the job - it is mostly how I choose to let work affect me and how I response to it. Let's be honest, the job never finishes, how we get around it is the important thing to truly have a balanced work/life.

I got to figure out some good points to get through better at work. A sort of reset I guess. There's this journal thing I started to do which I'm still perfecting the inclusion of it into my daily life. I got few pointers that I ought to practice and most of it all, I need to learn how to let go at work. workload and also expectations. 

I was hoping this will help me to get a better personal life too. All these stressing really has put my body into a constant tiredness. Just last night I simply dies after my solat. It was so hard to wake up too. I was in a better state of mind but still, my physical body still took a lot. 

One thing at a time I guess - and getting back to writing does feel like a good start.