My Hacks to Chill and Keep Grounded

Aug 11, 2020

hi. 

It has been so overwhelming for the past two months. I don't know why but it just so. Just last Thursday I got this mini anxiety (is that even legit?) because I have to cook early in the morning for the staff so that I can finish my bread and eggs that were expiring, had to manage a dinner plan for 12 that needed 40 minutes to drive while still needed to travel another four hours to Penang the next day for a three days trip. 



The timeline was all mixed up but I remember that I went for a day trip to Pangkor on Sunday and got back at almost midnight only to work tomorrow. Then to make thing more interesting, the whole week was packed with dinner plans, a 2pm to 10pm shift, buying a present and saying goodbye to our friend that got a job at Sabah. It was exhausting and I still went back to my hometown as I got an appointment at Hannan Medispa.

Then there is also this one week where I feel so shitty and depress which is most probably due to my menses is nearing and to top it off, I also got the weekend's shift. This was the same week where a friend of mine was being obnoxiously stupid and it was just so annoying and maddening. I had to give him a silent treatment just to chill and show that YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME. 

Ok, maybe I'm still a bit bitter.


There was a blur of more dinner plans, planning for Penang trip, settling some works stuff, simply taking care of myself, my life's routine of questioning what I am doing with my life and I only seem to get a good sleep while at hometown. Amidst all those confusion I started to get acne due to mask-wearing and my hair is thinning and falling so bad. I don't have the luxury to care for my food intake and now I gain like 4kg like WHERE DID YOU COME FROM??

Anyway, it was a miracle that I'm still sane. The only way that I still survive those and not losing my mind is by doing these small things that keep me grounded and just be at ease. Keeping grounded is important for me because it feels like I'm going to lose myself if I just let the day pass without checking in with myself. It feels like I just float and got lost in the sky. Anyway, these weren't really THE tips for a wholesome and happy life but it helps me to cope when things feel too overwhelming.


Less social media time

I realized that I keep being on my phone to keep my mind off things but it just makes me feel even worse. I don't know how to scientifically explained it but it just is. So by being on my phone, especially social media, less, will help me feel a bit clear-headed. But not being on the phone just make me anxious. I need to be doing something but sometimes I'm just too tired to do anything productive or things that need me to focus like reading or writing. 

It wasn't totally foolproof but I have these little tricks I play on myself to get me off my phone. It didn't last long but it still helps. I consciously make rules that I need to obey before I can get on my phone. For example, I'm going to eat my food in silence and just savor it before checking my phone or I'm not going to check my phone and just enjoy the company I'm having at the moment or I let my battery drained and let it charge to full first because it will ensure my battery health. Sometimes I make a list of simple things I can do back to back and it helps me feeling accomplish so then I don't feel bad for being on my phone. If I really don't have anything to do, I make sure I watched something on Netflix instead of scrolling social media.

Good sleep

Good sleep is important. But I usually managed to sleep earlier easily and better at my hometown. I usually got nothing better to do by 10pm on weekdays but I can't bring myself to sleep early as I have always had this internal clock that I sleep at 12am. Usually, it wasn't really a problem to sleep at 12am because I always get a good sleep so I feel well-rested the next morning. But nowadays, I don't feel that way anymore.

I also just realized that my current lifestyle is taking a toll on my mental health so I really needed that good sleep. It helps me to start my day right and getting enough rest just puts the stress away. Now I'm trying to sleep earlier and set a new internal clock. It might take months to adjust but I think it is my next step in life or else I'll keep on feeling tired all day long. Not to mention that now I must have a decent breakfast instead of just coffee because I'll get all moody and sad waiting for lunch but lunch doesn't satisfy me much. I really did get to a stage in life where poor sleep and diet just ruin my day.


via GIPHY

Reading and Writing Poetry

Reading has been a great solace for me. I was so happy to learn about knowing Haruki Murakami's works. Reading his books, however confusing the storyline is, it always put me at ease. It was either the way he explains things or simply how he walks the characters, make me feel calm in following it. 

Writing poetry, on the other hand, is a good way for me to play with my creative side. It gives me a sense of hands-on activity that put me away from the mundane way of life. Though it is arguable to say that I'm a creative person. Sometimes I like to venture on a topic that has occupied my mind and just can't seem to fall through. By writing it, it gives me some sense of control and a whole lot of better understanding. Sometimes it helps me to let go. When some particular issues crowded my mind so hard, I try to make myself write a poem out of it and it calms me.

Time off from peoples

I'm not one to talk much if you're not my crowd even if we're going to work together, just the two of us, for the next 10 hours. I find it serenely resetting to spend my night shift with a person that I don't talk much and just not talking. You do you, I do me. We're going to be fine. Sometimes peoples are overwhelming to me. So I will consciously try to avoid being near peoples that I don't feel like vibing especially at work. There are a few times that I just spend my day with myself instead of going home. I don't know if it an ambivert thing or whatnot but I find myself needing that alone time especially after spending time with peoples. A day should be just fine and then I'm good.



Cleaning


I'm not really the tidiest person but I can't stand mess except when I'm tired. Which I always do now. But doing small things to clean stuff and put order into things really calms me. It also put me into a good mood though I take forever to do it. There is this weekend where I purposely spent my morning cleaning around the house because the week ha been too much for me and it works. I knew that cleaning makes me feel good but I thoughts it was because I finally put things where it should be but it turns out the act of cleaning itself helps me to feel better. So now sometimes, I tried to clean a bit in the morning of things that I left the night before because I was so tired and it helps me to feel better to go to work.


That's it! Omg, this is long and it took a whole week to write. 

Covid-19 Diary (Part 7) - Nine Things in MCO

Jul 13, 2020

So, fun fact! All this quarantine has made me realize how much I have compromised in the name of "everyone has flaws and I am not perfect either". I was so eager to please peoples that it grows so tiring especially when I know these aren't the person I actually want to spend quarantine time together. Out of the many peoples at work, there are only a few that I truly feel bring me actual peace. Most of my actual good friends have been transferred and it was funny how I literally only have this one guy that I can actually call my friend at work. But oh my god, this stupid man is really testing my patience.





Anyway, I was actually a bit depressed with how tiring the past two weeks have been and also life, in general, itself but now I am feeling a bit better after drinking this goodness of a dalgona coffee that is seriously a godsend. 

Thank god for good food cause drugs and alcohol are self-destructive so that's a nope. Also, we went for a day trip to Pangkor the other and since it has become a duty-free island, there's a mart selling chocolates so now I have eleven packs of Kinder Buenos #chocolateislife.

Anyway, I am doing these updates on life in points as inspired by Ain Sofiyah's post but since focusing on how life has been as we live in this recovery phase.


#one - Staying true to myself

Spending more time with my colleagues during MCO has made me realized that I was compromising a lot and it gets a bit too much for me even when I reason with myself that "everyone has flaws and I ain't perfect either". I tried so hard to please peoples that it just tires me out physically and emotionally. I didn't even realize it until at one point I just got confused with how I acted and really did went "is that actually me?". It was astronomical how light my heart feels when I went out with my actual friends than when I am with my colleagues. There is a reason my I didn't call my colleagues as friends even though we were comfortable around each other like what "friends" look like. My colleagues weren't bad peoples. They just not my kind of peoples. Although there are some of them that actually bring me peace. Anyway, I just need to tone it down a little and be true to myself. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I only need to hold myself against me.

#two - Spending more time outside
As we can now dine in a restaurant, my colleague had us went out to eat once per week and it has been going on strong for four weeks now. I think they might hold next week off since we went out twice this week. I also went out multiple times with my friends and we did a last-minute trip to Pangkor to celebrate our friend that will be transferring to Sabah. I also had a few days off to just spend time with my family. I believe in creating memories with peoples that you care and it does not have to be only the close ones. We live in a community so once in a while, we have to celebrate that. So, it was so good to have all these chances to bond with peoples around me.

#three - Anime and Netflix series

I bought Bungo Stray Dogs Season Two because Netflix only has season one and season three. Confusing huh? But it turns out that Netflix have recently updated their series and now have season two as well but I didn't even open the DVD plastic wrapper yet. Ruginya duit sobs. I am currently putting anime on hold because the only anime I really want to finish is Attack on Titan but that series is depressing af. I just started to watch Dark and I am so hooked up. Did I told you that I have finishes Curon? That was a good series although the plot feels a bit underdeveloped for me. Ju-On is having a series on Netflix too and I am excited!!! But since I'm a scaredy-cat, I will only watch it when I'm back at home with Nabila which has been dubbed as my Netflix partner.



#four - Skin
I have two more sessions left with Hannan Medispa which got halted due to MCO and finally did my last session last Saturday. It was a derma pen treatment and it leaves me with burning feeling afterward. Not to mention how painful it got as the numbing cream started to lose their effect. I got some skin purging afterward but it didn't last more than two days. However, since I am still wearing the mask all day long, there seems to be no end to acne popping around my chin and nose. What's worse is my skin is still healing from the derma pen treatment so I can only apply moisturizer and use Cetaphil. Acne patches didn't seem to be working at all. Apart from that, my skin has been healing well but it will take at least a month for me to see actual results. I've bought a washable cloth mask to minimize skin frictions as compared when I wore the usual 3-ply mask. My usual skin routine helps a lot to prevent acne due to wearing mask but I notice that it was only around the chin and nose area because those are my problematic zone. It tends to get oilier with more whitehead so now I'm researching skin routine that will help me cater to those issues. But for now, two more weeks to go with only moisturizer and Cetaphil.

#five - Car
My next car service is due next month and I think I needed to change my tires in about another three months. I've been planning on doing some stuff on my car as I have been religiously neglecting it far too long. But it seems like I was spending quite much so now I'm thinking to slow it down a bit. I have the worst money management ever. It feels good to actually care for my car. I always thought it was only going to be a means of transport to work and occasionally back home during the weekend but  I was wrong. I travel a lot with it so it needs much care too. I have never been fond of being a "car person" but this car is expensive af so might as well adopt a more caring attitude towards it.

#six - Writing and reading

 
I haven't done much reading after I finish 1Q84 last June. It took six months to finish it and I want to forget all about it and re-read it again! I just can't read something I have already read but I think I can re-read Kafka On The Shore as my memory about it has started to fade. It wasn't easy reading Murakami and it can get awfully confusing but there is something soothing in how he calmly tells his story and how he plays the theme of loneliness endearingly. I think I have three poetry books that I should really be reading and this one young adult fiction that I bought on impulse last October. I haven't been writing poems much but there is some consistency in my poetry account update. I wanted to write more diverse topics which means I need to give more effort in writing instead of my usual spur of the moment poems. 

#seven - Coffee


 
I don't know why did my coffee taste so bad these days. It gave out this bad burnt taste but it still tasted good if I made it into dalgona coffee. Still, it wasn't a feasible idea to make dalgona everyday plus I like hot coffee in the morning. Feeling annoyed, I succumb to my old-time choice 3 in 1 which is Coffeemix. It didn't have enough kick and I dare not add more coffee into it fearing I would get that bad burnt taste but I guess the nostalgic taste makes me feel good enough. I think I should really buy that cheap Pensonic coffeemaker.

#eight - Future?

I actually got such a good revelation during those depressing week. I can't really explain how it got me thinking like this but I realize I need to think about my future more seriously. Since I'm a contract worker and not attached to anyone romantically, I always feel like I am free and nothing can be held against me. What I didn't realize is that I can only live so free for so long. I need solid ground.  I used to feel so burdened thinking about what might happen or what might not happen or how bad the aftermath could be or if nothing will actually ever happen. Because of how stressful it was, I made myself to live day by day, enjoy the "now". It's not like I didn't bother about getting a permanent job at all but it was more on how I think too leisurely about it. But now, with this newfound realization, even with the littlest chances to get a new job anytime soon, it still makes me feel a bit grounded. Like I can feel that solid ground but not in a way that would stress me out. Also, I don't think future me will work in a hospital setting. MCO somehow made me realize that a hospital setting isn't something that I can do for years.

#nine - BTS

I just have to put this on the list as well. What's surprising is that BTS have so much content during the quarantine. We as a fandom are so blessed. They did a lot of Vlive and even going live on Youtube. I could not keep up at all. I usually watch these when I feel like watching something light and filled with goofiness. It always leaves me feeling all warm and nice. There are also new songs being released as well. I almost miss Stay Gold debut like I still haven't heard the new song by Jungkook. Stay Gold MV is so so beautiful and it just feels like the HYYH era but they are happy and more matured. I don't how the heck I got into this mess. I don't do fandom but here I am. 




This post took three days to finish. At that time I've worked for two nights (I was doing the weekend shift) which means I got sleep-deprived. Plus I still have that lingering depressing feeling from the past two weeks that makes me feel so tired and just done with almost everybody. But I make a point earlier before the shift started that I need to chill. 

I was blessed that my working partner was this loving senior staff that I should really be calling makcik instead of kak lol. I was so comfortable with her. We talked about random kinds of stuff like grumbling about my housemates and how annoying that we got rats in our house. I also did some cleaning around the house because cleaning always calms me. This post was also written to keep me grounded. I made more dalgona coffee that tasted creamy and fuzzy and I also bake a cake that I took to work today. Did I mention I got a good sleep last night? It was amazing after not sleeping properly for two nights! 

I also went out with my friend yesterday and talked like nobody business. I told her how depressing it feels for the past two weeks and speaking it out loud actually helps me to confront it better. I was just tired and feel a bit gloomy but it wasn't the end of the world. It was so good that I was stationed to filling section as the week starts today which means I didn't have to bother about prescriptions, doctors, and patients plus the walking around is good for my body too. I also surround myself with peoples that gives me a good vibe and we talked about random things and make stupid funny remarks. I am so happy to tell you guys that I'm feeling so good. 




P/S - We have free ice-cream in the fridge too!

Short Rant on Insecurities

Jun 27, 2020


I want to explain how debilitating insecurities have bothered me and it gets awfully strong especially when I'm having my period. I thought that by understanding the fact that I am simply overthinking things because of my menses/hormonal imbalance will help me feel better. While it is true that my menses worsen my mental state, it seems like the last time I had my menses, I felt quite well. Though it is mostly due to the fact that I got a week-long holiday which means I can easily distract myself. 




Still, what's amazing is that, now, I have found a new topic to overthink and I overthink it so badly while it also merges with the usual insecurities. Hence why I feel I need to write it down. I wasn't even having my menses but god it was such a horrible week and this happens during Ramadhan which means it might be because of hunger, tiredness, and the general hopelessness with Covid-19 and MCO. I even started to rant stupid stuff to my friend. It was amazing how I just manage to merge everything. But as I'm starting to have my menses this week, I realized how the new topic bothers me back again and I'm like "what the fuck, is this going to be a norm now? I DON'T NEED THIS"

On one fine day, I'm going to properly write this one particular topic and just be done with it.

Anyway, I think I am so ready to just bail everything and start new. I'm not running away but the way I live right now was just temporary stuff that has been too comfortable and now I need to start new with a stronger ground. I want to work in a different setting, preferably something that gives me new challenges every day, in a new city, and generally re-invent myself. 

Not to mention that now I found myself becoming more negative day by day. I just don't feel like talking much with others and always succumb to rant about negative things. I can't get myself to be over of other people's flaws like I used too and be humble. I found myself talking more about membawang with my friend and it caught me so off guard how we used to talk about more stupid stuff that didn't concern anyone and it always turns us into a fit of laughter. Since when did I became so critical?

Ok, now I gotta be productive and just start on feeling better at accomplishing tasks starting with washing my car, surveying the cost of car polish and paintwork, do my hair routine, and restock my drinking water like omg kenapa air minum pon aku takdak niii. 

Random Things I Love About My Blog

Jun 2, 2020

I have started to watch anime again since Netflix is now having a wider range of anime. I thought of finishing Attack on Titan before starting new series but it got too depressing so  I watched Cells At Work. But then I got bored so I randomly started Noragami and it is surprisingly my cup of tea and finished the first season already. I am also currently watching Bungo Stray Dogs and everyone is absurdly good looking.



I got 12 days off for Eid and today is the last day. I just finished tidying my room and finally checks out my laptop after sending it to be formatted a couple of weeks before. I also just did some tweak on this blog that has been delayed since forever. But now I feel like scrolling Etsy for new them and that is how I ended up wanting to write something to commemorate this blog.

I should really write more than simply whining about Covid-19 

Pinterest mood board

I made a BTS-themed pinboard on the right sidebar of my blog. I wanted to create a mood through it and it was hard. Each mood-board took hours and it was totally worth it even though if I am the only one who notices it.

Instagram feed

My poetry account on Instagram has been through multiple changes and my current one fits just so aesthetically-pleasing with my current blog's theme. I have also given more effort to upload more poems so please show some love.

The coolest header ever

My header was the easiest thing I did when I redid the whole blog's design last year. I know exactly what I wanted and by using Canva, it was all done in a jiffy. I thought that I will eventually hated the new name - Crack Culture. Turns out I still loving it until now.

Disqus-ing

Using Disqus was among the most important thing I wanted in my blog even though it disrupt the old comments. It was all over the place but I don't feel like trying to make some sense into it.lú  Disqus has it flaws but it was amazing how interactive it was. I do hope it stops displaying those "other posts" as it becomes redundant.

About Me page

I am being a tad bit narcissistic am I? I need to update the picture though.



Covid-19 Diary (Part 6) - Not Being Fine

May 16, 2020

Covid-19 Diary (Part 5) + Forming Habit

Apr 25, 2020

It's the second of Ramadhan and I'm writing this while hearing the special interview of our current Prime Minister. I was so tired that I slept early on Thursday that I missed the news that MCO got extended. I only realize it while scrolling through Instagram while having my suhoor and well, yeah, it is what it is.

I'm being slightly dehydrated during fasting probably because I went to sleep way too early for both days so I didn't drink my share of water. It is not fun plus if I didn't pick up my drinking game, I'll start having mouth ulcers and that this is nasty.

It's Ramadhan but I'm on my own? That's a strange concept. Anyway, I needed to do some things while fasting this month and it is mostly about changing my habit of thinking. Basically, I want to do some thought changes. It seems like my mind is all over the place and I can't stay focus. I keep doing one thing and forgot to do other thing and the cycle continues. I wanted to do something productive but ended not getting the things I needed then I started feeling bad not being productive and yeah, the cycle continues. Not to mention that MCO is getting on my nerve and is closing every shop there is.

Apart from that, there's also this toxic thing I've been doing, disliking some peoples and simply grumbling and complaining about them. I was being a hater and I'm not saying I'm a saint, I just don't like keeping hatred towards peoples even though they deserve it. It was usually a simple "I don't care and I'm letting it go". There are some truly "astounding" behaviors that I faced at work. It was annoying and it wasn't helping that most of my friends also notice it so now there's this bawang session we did whenever the said person does something toward us. I wanted to be unbothered by them and simply tried my best to not having them anywhere near my business. I used to be so good at ignoring people I don't like because the last thing I would do is "being nice" to them. So now I need to be that old me again.

Now, since my mind is all over the place, I need to sit quietly and write this. Just to "see" my thoughts.




To help me clear my mind and be focus, I need to focus my energy on doing one thing that held my attention for a period of time and do it regularly. I might need to try meditation like I used to before using some simple apps. That was a good practice that I did. I'm also thinking to do this set off duaa before sleep. I need to also lessen my usage of the phone. I should start by using less Instagram and maybe set some offline periods throughout the day. I need to also set goals of things I need to achieve at work so that I don't feel so mundane. At least, ticking off the list will give me some satisfaction.

For me to be my old self that simply shut off peoples that I don't like, I must first be able to identify myself having such feeling and then let it go. I usually only notice it after I have vent out. I notice that the relief was temporary and there's this slight uneasiness too. It wasn't as good as how I simply feel peace by being unbothered. That "clearing my mind" step is important for me to do this. I can't be having messy and tangled thoughts for me to be conscious of how I am feeling. Apart from that, I'm trying self-affirmation as well. I think of doing a verbal one, twice daily. Once in the morning and another one before sleep.

Hey, would you look at that? I have a plan!

You know what else I should really be doing? Updating this blog.




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