Life Lately and A Quick Mental Health Check

Life Lately and A Quick Mental Health Check

Jul 17, 2019

This post is a TMI but feel free to read and share an insight.

It has only been the 17th of July but god, July already feels like forever. I got the entire first week of July to myself. I didn't have anything much planned for the week and yes I'm rather bored to be staying at home doing nothing. But I still take the week off.

Why I take it? Because I can. Plus, it's a good week to use up my "cuti". 

I spent 1st of July joining a fun run and the day after going to two open houses hosted by my colleagues. I even manage to went with a friend of mine that I hardly get to meet and spend like two hours chatting (gossiping will be more accurate tbh). 

I finally went to Hannan Medispa at my hometown, did that Janus machine skin analysis and did a treatment. I actually bought a package and to my surprise, it is far cheaper than Dr. Ko's. I'll do a review once I did at least four sessions of treatments.

My aunt was at my home so it was good catching up with her as well and of course eating all the delicious foods she cooked. The week ended with a one and a half day Pharmacy Conference that I went with my UKM friends. I even get to meet an old colleague that has moves out last March plus another UKM friend as well. The best would be that I  made them eat at Muhammad Chan because "I feel like eating actual Chinese foods". Really good foods but we didn't order much Chinese menu so like what even afifah?

Did I mention how stupid I feel to be in that conference given by all top healthcare professionals in Malaysia? It was the most bilis moment ever.

It was fulfilling and I daresay a quite productive weekend. It feels good to be able to do these but I wasn't feeling ecstatic or anything. It was just good. I did this kind of update for April and I remember feeling so good about it but I wasn't feeling it as much this time around. I'm very much thankful for it but honestly speaking, I only remember feeling so tired the week after. Probably because I need to catch up on my work. 

I went home again last weekend because my sister got a bad case of rashes that itches all over her body. I was so ready to sleep the weekend but being a good sister that I am, I went home. We don't even know what could possibly trigger it. She is good. Got a shot though, which I predicted she will so it was funny.

Now this is where everything went even downhill.

My dad borrowed my car and get into an accident. No one was hurt and the car can still move but the bumper got a deep dent and scratches a deep straight line on the driver's side. My dad went home instead of doing a police report right away and I guess he was still in shock that we only do something two days after. 

If he wasn't involved, I'll just settle it myself. It's difficult to explain but since he did it, it's his thing too and if you know my dad, you would know he wants to settle everything himself, his way. But he wasn't being one in this case and it was just too much for me. I can't push him much because I know he needs time and even though I was either on the verge of going mad or bursting in tears, I tried my best to show that I am all sunshine and rainbow so that he won't feel bad.  It was the worst two days ever.

I was so overwhelmed. Not only the car made me feel that way, but it was also me being mad at myself for being this way. At one point I tried so hard to not feels this horrible and just be redha and at one point I was venting so bad at my sister just so I can feel something other than this horrible battle of judgment on what I should feel. I wasn't questioning why this happen to me but I was questioning why can't I make peace with this? Why did I let it bothers me this much? Why am I feeling this way anyway? Why can't this feeling go away? Am I a bad daughter? a bad human?

I made myself sleep just to pass the time and hope my dad will come to his sense and I remember just making myself made a proper duaa but only ended up saying I'm tired. It was only for two days but I got so tired that I went to sleep so early for two nights after. I don't even do anything. I want desperately for this to get this behind and writing usually does it but I can't even make myself to write. I already had my hand on the keyboard and I just switch everything off.

We were having a birthday party today and to my surprise, it was just the thing I need. I guess it helps to clean that short dark moment. It was so stupid actually. It was planned because there are plenty of us that were born in July. They never throw a birthday party at the pharmacy and everyone was like "lamanya takda birthday party untuk diri sendiri". We pull out some money and bought nasi lemak and ayam berempah. They make a makeshift photo booth that barely holds and bought a fancy cake with that fancy firework birthday candle. There's a lot of other good food too.

I'm not sure why but this party is a good one. Was it because it relieved me from my mini-meltdown? or was it just that good of a thing? I read somewhere that it is good to have something good to expect from a day to make it more fun. Or was it because I got that more than enough two nights sleeps? Probably because I had two cups of coffee as well. I don't know the exact science. It will be good if I know it.

Anyway, did you see how much I have spent by this time? I'm practically broke.

Did you know that Guardian has a 40% off on skincare products the other day? That happens too and that's another haul that I did which I wanted to update here but well, I still didn't.

What's the last thing about your mental health that you realized? It can be a good one of course.

The Battle of The Toners (one for oily skin)

The Battle of The Toners (one for oily skin)

Jul 11, 2019

It was either this topic or my half-year update on my New Year's Resolution. I choose this topic to write first because I have a few other beauty related topics that I wanted to write but I always put it on hold. It was mostly because I'm always tired and I am somehow always busy on off days. I swear I'm not procrastinating those updates cause everyone knows I suck so bad at my resolutions.

Ok. Since the air conditioner in our hospital has been down for ages, I was wondering if it causes my face to become oilier. My toner and moisturizer are from Aiken. Even though Aiken's were water-based products, I was curious if the tea tree oil content might cause my face to become oilier so I wanted to try new ones. I bought a new toner first and conveniently found this tweet telling about the 7-steps toner. 

I wanted to share the tweet but I'm just too lazy too screenshot it so you guys just have to with your guts and trust me.

It basically means to apply the toner seven times which is a kind of way to moisturize your face as well. Just apply the toner by dabbing it, wait for it to dry and repeat. Since I was loving my new toner, I decided to skip moisturizer and do this. When I knew for sure the new toner works well, I decided to try to mix in other toner and that is how I ended up trying three new toners.

By the way, some disclaimers, my pores aren't that big? I don't know but I never really bothers by it so the toners are merely there as it is a skin routine and since it gives a moisturizing effect as well, it just makes me love it even more. Having said that, I didn't think these toners really makes me feel like "omg my pores are a whole lot better after wearing this"

So here is my say!

Aiken Tea Tree Oil Toner

 

Gotta give it up to Aiken first. Apparently, although my face does become oilier due to all the sweating in a non-air conditioned closed room, it was also because my skin is just an oily type. I should have used back a cleanser for oily skin. I stopped using it because my face got so dry while eating acne medicine. But since I didn't eat it anymore, it was best for me to use appropriate cleanser so that my skin didn't get too oily. Since the air conditioner is back on functioning so well, it is okay for me to use Aiken again. Aiken has that slight stringent effect but mostly refreshingly moisturizing. It is water like to the touch with only a hint of slimy/oily feels. I always love how it makes my face feel refreshed. Since it is also so cheap, it is still a really good choice for toner.

Nutox Renewing Treatment Lotion

 

This is the first toner that I tried after Aiken. I told the salesperson (?) that I wanted something that will be good for acne prone skin and since he saw my old acne scars as well, he suggested this. The texture is slightly slimy than Aiken's but it wasn't oily at all. It gave a better moisturizing effect and made that 7 step toner far more fun. My face feels so hydrated too. But it cost me around RM40 which is triple than Aiken. The price is actually okay if I wore it just once instead of seven times. Hee.

There is this time when I didn't have any spot treatment for that monthly menstrual acne but somehow the inflammation reduces quite noticeably even only by wearing this toner. Although it is good to have a dry face instead of an oily one, hydration is also important for better wound healing so yay Nutox. I'm now using a Hada Labo moisturizer cause seven steps are a tad bit too much for a lazy person like me so I'm going to continue using this toner instead of Aiken. I just feel like I need to cut down any traces of oil altogether.

Klairs Supple Preparation Toner

 

I bought a trial sized one from an Instagram shop. I bought it since there are many good reviews about it. The texture is in between Aiken and Nutox, not too watery but not as slimy. However, it didn't give me that refreshing or hydrating effect. I keep on using it together with Nutox but since it didn't give me that satisfying feeling, I just don't feel the urge to wears it anymore and simply settles for Nutox only. It's quite sad cause it is supposed to have all those good stuff for the skin but I don't wear it anymore just because it didn't give me "that feeling". It really be like that sometimes.

Hada Labo Hydrating Lotion

So after my endeavor with Klairs didn't turn up well, I decided to buy Hada Labo's trial set. There is one for dry skin and one for normal/oily skin which cost around RM25. This allows me to try both the toner and the hydrating gel. The hydrating gel feels so good. It doesn't feel oily at all and directly absorbs into in my skin and made it feel so plump. But the toner, however, wasn't. It literally feels like water and I need to use quite a few more drops than usual because it gets absorbed right away. It too wasn't as moisturizing and refreshing as Nutox. I guess it makes sense since the hydrating gel works well. By this time I was convinced to just use Hada Labo as my moisturizer and thus skip that seven-step toner. However, I might change my mind and use both Hada Labo's and Nutox's toner since Hada Labo ones got all those hyaluronic acid and stuff.



That's it!

I wanted to tell how the texture is because having an oily skin makes me really particular on the products feel. I couldn't get a hand on Nutox's moisturizer to test on my skin so that's why I didn't try that one first. In conclusion, these all are a good choice for oily skin. Even though Aiken's has tea tree oil, you can hardly feel it so it really is okay. Actually, I probably a tad bit too in love with Nutox.

Three Times I Overthink Music (or that time when i hate k-pop)

Three Times I Overthink Music (or that time when i hate k-pop)

Jun 23, 2019

You know that article where they go into vivid details into life-related topics but it is like so mundane and you got confused at why they need to be this particular for, this is one of it.

First and foremost, I'm an Army.

I like telling peoples that. Did you now have a second thought about me?

I can say I'm into K-pop instead but saying I'm an Army, particularly in Malaysia, will always give out this spite and god I live for that. I live for that time when you thought I'm one thing but no, I'm so much more. Peoples are so much more. Who knows I can be this petty?

Anyway. I wasn't always an Army. I used to have a phase when every song I played is only from Bastille. I still have the biggest love for Maroon 5 and Adele is a world's treasure. As you can see here, my music taste is heavily from the western side. Minus my high school time when I watch anime avidly and remembers the OST so well or that time when I always watch Music Bank. Do you know KHS? That was a thing too.

source

So now I want to share some stuff that music has made me think deeply (maybe a little bit too deeply) and this is like so weird but seems like a fun thing to write. Plus, my new niche is all about embracing life. In all way possible.

Apparently, stereotyping a skin color/nationality/race also applies to music and I am one of them

K-pop has influenced me for the longest time. I was there when MTV first aired Big Bang and it was a big hit that then they suddenly have a show for k-pop songs. Imagine how weirded out I was. I always put MTV on (internet wasn't an option for me then) and suddenly some Korean dudes with the most intense music video are on my tv (it was Haru Haru, still my favorite until today). 

But the craze was shortlived because apparently, not all k-pop group was like Big Bang, Super Junior or Girl Generations. At one point it seems repetitive but peoples are still going nuts over it. It is only in 2017 that I started to love BTS and started to listen to k-pop again. I realized the years has been good for them. They now have so much to offer and it's sad that most peoples don't realize that simply because they are some soft Korean dudes and their fans are stupid teenagers.

First of all, teenagers nowadays are so brilliant.

Secondly, I was one of them too. I never thought of them as softies or gay whatsoever but just that k-pop is a teenager thing to do. I lived my entire life (or at least until two years back) thinking that western peoples are the best version and it turns out that US has some serious problems that Trump is now a president and Europes with Brexit and racism and begging for money so that they can continue their trip across Asia because it is a life changing experience to do. Not until now, that I let the benefit of the doubt seeps in that I understand how tough the industry is and how avid the fans are. Not until I got to a point to think that it must be for a reason, like how everything is. Like how peoples become mad with football. BUT, even if it is unreasonable, I must respect that.

Well, not understanding a thing in Korean might also be an issue here but I have started singing anime OST since high school so that is really not an issue. But to degrade others liking something because" it was stupid, you don't even understand them" is not cool. Not cool at all. Music transcends boundaries guys. Life 101. Don't you know that?

I never hated Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus or that time when I want to stop hating Taylor Swift's song but ended up hating it even more 

I never hated Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. That Wrecking Ball is good and music videos are always so weird so it wasn't anything strange to me. But if you know me, you would know that I hate Taylor Swift's songs.

Hate is such a strong word.

Okay, maybe I'm just a little bit annoyed. I love "Love Story" though. Anyway. It's nothing personal. It is just her songs is not my type and it gets a little overwhelmingly annoying because it will always be played on the radio. She is so famous. But weirdly enough, why must I hated all her songs? Was it because of all her failed love affairs and the songs that come with it? Everyone does that though. Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus aren't the best of humans too.

But why? Taylor Swift's songs were catchy, her voice is incredible, she is so versatile and she is a great philanthropist too. But I don't like her songs at all.

On the other hand, sometime earlier this year, I somehow just can't do any sweet love songs. The kind that is too cutely falling in love. After a few months, I realized that I never feel anything like that. I  still like my old cutesy falling in love songs. For me, as long as the lyric is beautifully done, regardless of the topic, I'm good to go. Slowly, I started to accept love songs back. It was so weird.

I realized I can't do one thing and then realized I have never been that way and somehow I got back to my old self again.

What that has taught me is that I can sometimes act way differently and just not realizing it. That changes can really creep up on me even on something that I have made myself clear that "I stand on this solidly". What I did after having such a realization? I decided to challenge my own stereotype.

I then decided to not hate Taylor Swift's song (yup, I really did that). Maybe I keep on hating her songs just because it is her songs. I decided that I need to challenge my own stereotype so I put on her tops hits together with Musixmatch, ready to sing my heart out.

I started with Blank Space cause that is my least hated music and I ended up actually hating it. Turns out her lyrics feels too childish for me and that is why I can't do Taylor Swift songs. Basically, it was my rule 101, if the lyrics are good, I'm good to go.

THAT IS WHAT I CALLED AS WHEEL OF EMOTION

Old people that say today's song is poorly made and their old songs are better is only such way because they can't accept changes

So there's this colleague of mine that I love to make fun of and he then makes fun of me liking BTS justifying his late 90's and early 2000's songs were better. I told him how could he be right when there are millions of Army out there. That got me thinking because I do have those favorite songs that aren't being made such way anymore and I finally am among those who say "there aren't any good songs anymore". My playlist is mainly of songs from a few years back and it was funny because I'm only 26!

Although there are oldies songs that I like (if Hey Jude and Hotel California are considered as such), the composition and even the lyrics are obviously not something that today's generation would wind up and be considered as a today song. They will always be referred back to that past generation. But peoples changes. Newer (mainstreams) songs cater to newer generations.

It is just inevitable. There aren't any superior generations with superior songs. Realizing this, I notice that I'm just not used to the new songs because it wasn't from my usual singers. I think I was not open enough to new things. Jonas Brothers have been reunited and Sucker was so good but it wasn't anything that the Disney's Jonas Brother would ever come up with but I still love Loves Bug and Burnin Up just the same.

I realized that I just rejecting new songs because it is new and not something I used too. It was just like when I need Writing on The Walls and Dangerous Woman to come out that I realized both Sam Smith and Ariana Grande has some powerful vocals. Although I can keep on living in the past with my old songs and simply says today's generation didn't know better cause I'm older, but where's the fun in that? I'm not letting go of the excitement of knowing new songs!

I kid you not, I really did be thinking this deep and then started to put newer songs into my playlist.

Are you as heavily opinionated on music like me? Or am I just overreacting?

Hey June (don´t make it bad)

Hey June (don´t make it bad)

Jun 10, 2019

Someone tweets that 2020 is in six months and it is rather mind-blowing? That's a whole another decade coming in and I have only finished reading seven books for 2019 lol.

I'm having a headache right now and it is just so sudden. Annoying too. I'll probably be rambling nonsense through this post and things that I have done that I thought I needed to highlight it somewhere,

Yes, I do notice it is already the 10th of June and I should do this post earlier. Omg, my headache is so annoying.

As there is no actual target for May, I won't be doing any recap. Although I did wanted to at least finish Mikhail. I didn't. Mikhail is an easy read and I can manage many pages per sitting but to actually sits and read was a weird kind of problem for me. Like now, I'm currently doing the night shift, and as always, I bring myself a book. However, I decided to bring along Langit Vanilla and start this new read instead of finishing Mikhail. I should really read Mikhail and just be done with it. Langit Vanilla is good though.

I also wear all my baju kurung during May. I wanted to ensure that I wore everything since I did the no baju kurung on April. I don't even need a month. This clothing rules that I made actually make me feel even more secure with my wardrobe and feels guilty to buy more. It just feel like it will be a waste since what I have now is plenty enough. Though I did found some cute blouse that are so cheap and I just have to have it. I bought two. It was a good buy. For June, I'm going to wear all my tudung and shawls. This will be tricky since I need to match it with the right clothes. More ironing I guess.

I got a week of holiday before raya and it was a bliss to just stay home and I even manage to do some tidying up around the house that I didn't get to do it before. But I have to work on the weekend after raya. My rendang turns out good y'all.

I still didn't finish my NaPoWriMo. Between fasting, working and the lack of sleep, I just don't find the will to sit and write poems. 

I realize a friend of mine is rather spoiled or too priviledged? The rich and beautiful kind of privilege that she manifested in her opinions and personality. I think no one says anything because she's pretty (I don't think many realized that she is on the rich side). It wasn't anything major but there's another friend of me that might conjure up the very same type of attitude and I can imagine how bad she's going to be condemned for it. It was in my head for sometime and is a big realization too. I just have to let it out.

Omg, I have eaten painkiller and the effect should have kick in but the headache is still there.

I bought a make up organizer and put all my make up on display instead of in my make up bag so that it is easier for me to actually use it. It looks good. The zipper on the make up bag is broken so I just threw it away.

I actually joins a run on before puasa and there is another one at the end of June. Look at me being al sportyy.

I think June is just restructuring aka "to just be done with it" aka this is going to be my life to do list

1. NaPoWriMo
2. Mikhail
3. Automatic monthly deduction from Maybank (lol random gilaa)
4. Send my baju batik to the tailor
5. Video raya for work
6. Some blog makeover in accordance to my new niche - the pages, about me, tags, yada yadaa
7. Write a post acccording to the new niche

I think I will update more. I just need my life to have more of that "done" element.

I need to have my car serviced in the morning so let's hope this headache will be gone.

Btw, I did something bad yesterday but I manage to cover it perfectly and no one should be affected by it, but I still have this guilt that I need to somehow confess to someone. What should I do?

About Always Being Anxious and How I Cope

About Always Being Anxious and How I Cope

May 22, 2019

First of all, all of us have some extent of anxiety. It's called being human. So I invite you to read this to just shed some light together with me. I'm also learning by writing this.

Secondly, this post is not in any way to help you diagnosed if you have anxiety (or GAD, we'll go about that later). We have doctors for that. My formal education of this topic is from my pharmacy years and gosh, these medications are damn expensive.

Silver Lining Playbook is currently my most favorite movie that shows psychological disorder.
 I am in love with Jennifer Lawrence acting in it. She is perfect!

What is anxiety?

According to Oxford Dictionary, anxiety means, state of feeling nervous or worried that something bad is going to happen. A simple worrying but it can turn worst and become an actual disease.

According to Anxiety and Depression Disorder of America, it is categorized under a psychological disease namely Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It is a persistent, excessive, uncontrollable and unrealistic worry about an everyday thing. Basically, think of something that worries you (common anxiety) but imagines you worrying about it for like a hundred folds more intense. It is a crippling thing and we usually worry about a lot of things - debts, study, partners, physical appearances, etc, etc, but those who suffer GAD really be worrying overtly over all these things. They might spend about three to ten hours daily worrying and it is usually accompanied by symptoms like restlessness, fatigues, difficulty in concentrating and disturbed sleep. It must also happen for at least six months but a more detailed background history is needed before a person is diagnosed to be having GAD.

Why did I suddenly want to write about this?

If you guys read my "It Has Been" series, you would notice that I have experienced to some extent on symptoms of GAD. It wasn't for hours on end but just a little more than I usually have - probably about a solid one to two hours daily. 

I have trouble sleeping and when I do, I got nightmares. I keep on thinking "what if I can't do this" and "what does everyone thinks about me" and generally question myself non-stop. I don't want to go to work. I don't even want to meet anybody at work. These worrying stresses me out and I start to get the worst acne breakout ever (I wrote about that also in HERE). The most difficult thing is that I am always sure of myself and proudly so. To question myself like that is an alien thing for me to be feeling. I  was so confused with my feelings and desperately brushes it off like it is something that can simply be gone but days turns to weeks and I don't want it to be months.

That is when I started to really dedicate myself to write those posts in "It Has Been Series" and from there it helps me to understand myself better and be consciously doing things that can make me feel better. I mostly read stuff online and trying to make sense of things that can help me. 

So what did I do?

The first step in solving a problem is to first identify the problems. It is also how Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT, the kind of therapy that mental disorder therapist uses in their sessions) kinda works out. I remember realizing the extent of my anxiety when I went into this rambling with a friend of mine. It was so stupid. I knew that I feel all these negative things but when I talked it out with her, trying to voice out what I was feeling, I then realize that I have quite an issue. But this first step was only done like halfway after I tried to do something with my anxiety.

Why halfway?

Because I didn't acknowledge that I was being too anxious. I know I was feeling shitty and thought that I just need to fix my way of living at the moment. I focused on doing things that make my life more scheduled. Somewhat more organized and responsible. 

So the first step that I did but turns out it should be the second step is to focus on having a daily, stable, morning routine. I always knew a good morning routine makes me feel better and more focused during lectures. Earlier, I read how peoples do morning exercises, listening to podcast, yoga, good hearty breakfast and thought that I should really try those. 

It is hard! 

To even wake up early when I have trouble sleeping is hard enough. I then settled to how I did it during my degrees - to have a lazy getting ready in the morning (I do everything slowly) and slowly sipping my coffee (I dedicated at least 20 minutes to slowly sips the coffee, it wasn't even hot anymore).

Remember, just do it how you like it. You don't have to feel pressured and do what most peoples do. Baby steps!

It was good. I kinda calm myself well and that brings us to my third step which is to picture the worst and be done with it. That morning routine forces me to deal with the lingering anxiousness of me that " I don't want to go to work". It is somewhat the kind of approach done in CBT. I try to really picture the "what if" that got me so restless and then how to solve it and if it can't be solved, then there really is nothing that I can do about it. I just need to let it go. It wasn't easy but I got somehow repeat that way of thinking for some time and before I realize it, I got back to the way how I used to be so sure of myself. I trained myself daily to have that thought and since I did it daily, it clicks! The hard part is accepting that you can't control everything and the next step is to just face it. 

The first and third step is how CBT works around patient but with more professionalism, calculated and goal oriented. Actually, if the GAD wasn't too serious, CBT should be done first and only if it didn't work that medicines are given. Actually, psychiatric medicines are tricky and can give the opposite effect if it wasn't handled correctly. The more you know huh?

The fourth step still revolves around the idea of me having a more responsible way of living. Since I want to wake up early, I need to sleep early first. Plus, all the articles say that in order to fix your sleeping schedule, I just need to practice a good sleeping schedule. It was such a what the fuck realization. Basically, I need to train my body to sleep at the same time every day. It is also important not to sleep back after Subh prayer. 

I tried all sort of things to help me sleep. For sometimes, I put on earbuds. My place is so damn quiet but the earbuds kinda give that no sensory feelings and that somehow calms me down and helps me to sleep. I tried chamomile tea and hates it. Maybe I should buy a different brand. That "relaxing music to helps you sleeps" actually annoys me. The trick is to clear your head and stop thinking about things and eventually I'll drift off. I am now trained to always sleep by 12 and to never sleep after Subh. I usually wake up around 6.15 or 6.30 am.

such a bunyyy

The fifth step is, I seek treatment for my acne. This is important to me because the acne starts to weigh me down. Healing from acne takes months but the fact that I did something gave a sense of accomplishment and calms me because now I know I will get rid of those.

My most favorite step, the sixth step, that is essential to help me to sleep is to clear my head. I think this is quite a stupid thing like "what do you mean to just clear your head" but I really did. It is a skill that I did train myself to be. It is not the same as just deleting all my anxiousness but I can to some extent make my brain stop thinking about things.

I developed this skill (?) when I tried meditation. I forgot the name of the apps but you can simply download any meditation apps that have a free trial of meditation guides that you can try. I did one that has a span of one week and I choose one to help me to sleep. The soothing voice guides will prompt you to not think about anything and focus on breathing and etc. The meditation itself is not really helpful to me because it makes me kinda all worked up. But I realize I can clear my head and that soothes me enough to lull me to sleep. It also helps if something come out and just triggers me. I can stop thinking about it for a while and that is usually enough to calm me.

The last and most important step is writing. I am so tuned with myself due to my writing experiences. My blog and poems to be exact. No matter if it is a good or a bad thing, writing about it helps me to understand myself better and I always love how I can words out what I feel. It was like knowing myself all over again. It also serves as a healthy way to vent. Writing it out always helps me to think better and generally feel better. It is my own kind of therapy. Many articles suggest writing as a way to manage emotions better. You don't have to write well, just write anything and everything. You can simply write a daily journal and you might feel clueless at first but just write anything that happens today and how you feel about it. Eventually, you will find yourself writing even more. I understand that writing isn't for everyone.

I actually wrote something like this before, just click HERE. Lemme tell you one thing, I didn't read that post until after I finish writing this one. The tips are more so the same. Good to know that I have a consistent ass.

and we are done!

I am feeling much better now. It has been since my PRP almost coming to an end. It was good timing too because I need to hustle more at the moment so it was good not having my anxiety weighing me down. Most importantly, all of those has build an an Afifah that is more confident with herself. I get my old self back and learn one important thing - I'll do what I want and no one can affects me.

So tell me, did you ever experince such anxiety and what did you do? What are your opinions on how I cope?

We Don't Care April Has Ended (konon) and New Niche?

We Don't Care April Has Ended (konon) and New Niche?

May 15, 2019

I got a revelation yesterday, I want to build a niche for my blog. Yes, I've been blogging for years and only now I decided to make a niche. But before we dive into that, I need to tell something. We went for iftar today and I knew the "terawih" here starts late so I thought I can still make it. But I got lost and when I finally found my way, it was way too late so I went back home. Yupp. I really did that. So now I'm updating my blog. 

Ok, first thing first. My monthly updates. I didn't set any goals for May because it's Ramadhan and I was just way too comfortable in my new house. Yes, I move out, again. The new place that I told before is just hot and too small. I kept on whining about it and a friend of mine at work suggest to move in together because her place is too dusty (she was being dramatic). Anyway, the idea of living with actual friends is so appealing. We got another friend of ours to move in together as well and now here we are under the same roof. Cheaper rent, more spaces, and someone to talk too after day work. It has been great. 

Ok, I'm sidetracked.

April's target outcomes.

1. Finish reading both Kafka on The Shore and Norwegian Wood - DONE AND I TOTALLY LOVES IT
2. Read one poetry book - i'm halfway lol
3. Finish reading Al Baqarah translations - i only read like two pages. omg, got any idea to make it, like fun?
4. Try to at least go to the gym twice a week - i gave up gym. if you read my depressing post before that hatyai thing,you'll know that i just don't want to that. i think i'll do more walking after ramadhan. 
5. Try to do at least 5 brush drawing practice (i think i have lost my brushes and watercolor) - i only did once. but at least i found a blog that has this series of tutorial. i think my brushes are of poor quality that it didn't turn out well. that reminds me, i need new brushes.
6. A detailed itinerary to Thailand that includes Hatyai and Krabi - DONE!
7. Write all 30 poems according to prompts from NaPoWriMo and update it into a thread on Twitter - i wrote until day 15. or was it day 18? i put it all on my pinned twitter. it's going to take some time but i do want to finish all 30 prompts. 
8. No sugary drinks except for my daily morning coffee EOD - i really did forget about this.

Wow, I didn´t do as bad as I thought I did. 

Ok now let's go onto my revelation in actually building a niche for my blog. The niche is (cue for drumroll) - ok i don´t know how to word it out. Basically, I want to do a blog that focuses on self-improvement and self-discoveries. I want it filled with things that can enrich life, life hacks and simply helping others to become a better version of themselves. It was also to help me to become a better me. Ok, tell me, what kind of niche is that.