2018 - of being alone

2018 - of being alone

Jan 3, 2019

This is going to be long and I thought I need to edit this for readers but I'm not going to. I just want to be as raw as possible. I need to see this through. There might be some awful negativity but don't worry - I'm still a sane person.

There is this playlist at Spotify made by Smyang Piano called Just A Nap. I think I was looking for BTS songs in instrumental version and found this account. It was another lonely day with a hefty amount of stress and expectations. The worst was I didn't even want a company. No one feels good enough and I just settle with myself. I'm not sure if it was the familiarity of the BTS tunes or simply the faint, beautiful melody but it feels so peaceful that I forgo the study I need to do at the time and just sleep. I decided to sleep not because how weary I was with the stress or wanting to escape the loneliness but just how peaceful it feels in that few moments which I haven't feel for quite some time. I wasn't going to ruin it with unsuccessful attempts at studying so I sleep. 

I put that playlist on at this very moment and now I'm turning it off because it does not give me that effect anymore. I have tried it a few times before and never get that effect but I still try.

It was cruel. The whole of 2018. Cruel, brutal, heartless and I am grateful for every second of it. Wouldn't want it in any other way. Getting down to the bits of it is mundane though but for the most part of it - I am alone. You know words like "Allah loves you", "He never leaves you", "He is always there for you" - it feels so hollow now. The most twisted thing is that I've been in the states that make me understand how true those are which makes me feel more alone. I'm pretty sure my heart is as dark and cold and empty as what walid always preach us. That is like the most legit explanation. But I still feel quite okay and thus now I'm pretty sure I'm a masochist.

It was routine enough, go to work, crack a few jokes, being all teasing and fun. What I didn't realize is how dependent I was at that one-hour lunch gap to be alone. I just realized this quite recently. I live in the hospital's dormitory (but it is more like a studio apartment?) so I can afford to go back to my place during lunch hour and just be with me. I'm also addicted to living alone. My sister stays with me for about 3 months. It takes some time but then I realize that I look forward to the weekends because she always went home during the weekend. I don't think it was the introvert part of me but mostly to just get away from people and thus not needing to think about them.

Peoples usually don't get to me. I have this coping mechanism where at one point I'll convince myself to don't give a fuck even if you kinda stuck with them. It's not exactly ideal but when said peoples start to really get into me, I'll simply, religiously, remind myself, not to give a fuck and just let them be. If they are going to end up ruin themselves in the process then good for them. It's not foolproof though. Especially if I'm stuck between expectations to care and simply tired of having to care.

It was lonely but at the same time, it is comfortable. Yet it also feels hollow. That what eat me alive. Will being pious get rids of this? How on earth do I even start on being pious anyway?

There is this one song by BTS called Magic Shop that was meant to comfort you when you feel down. I love their music, yes, but I can't really relate to how they really appreciate their fan, ARMY. I'm not even sure I can consider myself an ARMY but Magic Shop is so endearing.

“Magic shop” is a psychodramatic technique that exchanges fear for a positive attitude

The opening was "I know that you're hesitating because even when you say the truth, in the end, it will all return as scars. I'm not going to say anything blatant like "find strength", I will let you hear my story, let you hear it" The story was about how BTS suffer earlier in the stage and how ARMY's support helped them through so now they want to be here for them by doing these kinds of songs. Showing that BTS supports ARMY too. The beauty of this is that there is a song that acknowledges the pain and simply acknowledges it. Not things like it will be better because positivity or good vibes because those are as real as fairytale when someone feels down. What people want is that knowing someone understands that it is painful and there is someone that supports them. 

I'm not saying to go stan BTS but that thought is beautiful isn't it? Having someone always there for you. I'm not sure if that what I needed now but it is still a beautiful song.

I don't trust anyone. Literally no one. I shut out every person. I don't think I ever open up truly to anyone. I whined a lot but it was a careful whining too. Not too much info out. I just want people to see me as just one whiny person.

Above all of these - I am happy. 2018 has showed a new side of me. A strong one too.

Roll On: 2018 Favorite Self Care Thingy (Part One)

Roll On: 2018 Favorite Self Care Thingy (Part One)

Dec 21, 2018

I never thought I'd actually do these kinds of posts and not to mention - I'm actually excited. Since I got my own money now and starting to want to care for myself better, I've been trying some new things and this has been fun. So, I want to share 10 things that I'm definitely going to keep having it in 2019 which might be a good thing for your self-care too.

from left to right

1. Face Scrub by Good Virtues Co.

I learned that Good Virtues Co. products are organic and use lots of nature stuff. I can't recall the exact term for this stuff but basically, the product would not contain harsh chemicals. So, I've been using few of their products since my dry skin and brittles hair will worsen if I used normal products. This face scrub in particular - is so good. My skin feels refreshed, well scrubbed (is this even a thing?) and still feels supple afterward which is not like my previous experience with a face scrub. They usually left my skin feel tight like my-face-have-been-scrubbed-too-much-than-i-would-like-it kind of tight. Not to mention it is super affordable and the packaging is just too beautiful.

2. Konjac sponge

Did you have that feeling like your hand is not doing enough work to clean your face cause I did. I try using face brush - the manual one and the automatic one. The manual one's bristles are too soft while the automatic one is just such a big hassle. My sister told me about this konjac sponge and I think you can only get this at Daiso. It is sponge-like but firm like a beauty blender. However, the surface is just a little bit harsh to give you that brushing sensation. It is great. Totally loving it.

3. Palmer's Lip Balm - Cocoa Butter Formula

Since eating isotretinoin is giving me a bad case of dry lips, I take note to always bring my lip balm everywhere. Moisturize your lips throughout your daily endeavors fellas! I tried this one with hyaluronic acid that works wonders on chapped lips but I can't find it the other day and chose this instead. It work just as well and the best part is that it smells like chocolate! Since being confuse on what lip balm to buy is a hassle, I made a mental note to just get this one. If it ever finishes. 

4. Lucido-L Argan Rich Hair Treatment Cream

I was looking for something like a hair conditioner but I don't have to wash it. Apparently, I was looking for hair cream. I tried using hair conditioner and hair mask for my brittle hair but it just feels too harsh on my hair. Not to mention how it worsen my hair loss is with the washing but the effect is temporary. I found this at Guardian and it is around RM20 only (it even have argan oil!). You only need about 1cm of the product and it works so well. Even my sister was complimenting that my hair looks better. It does feel soft and most importantly, less brittle. 

5. Botaneco Garden - Organic Argan and Virgin Olive Oil Nourishing Hand Cream

My dry hand is the worst. Did you know that wearing lots of lotion will only worsen your dry skin? Yes, it does. If your dry hand is mild, a lotion is great, but if you are like me, lotion only does so little. But then I can't be smothering petroleum jelly and go about life now can't I? Thank god I find this thing. Hand cream is a bit thicker than lotion thus the effect last longer but this one got argan oil and virgin oil. Oil is good as it helps to retain the moisture which makes this work even better. The smell is so good too.

(to be continued because it is my bedtime)

Roll On: It's Finally afifahaddnan.com and My Malaysian Blogger Bloglist

Roll On: It's Finally afifahaddnan.com and My Malaysian Blogger Bloglist

Dec 14, 2018

If you're here for the bloglist - scroll down until you see a very cute Korean guy with bunny teeth. or you can just read everything. I could be your thing?

I'm like spiritually awoke each time I remember I bought the domain but I bought this last Tuesday and only gets to write about it today. Am I not spiritually awoke enough?

I'm so bored right now like I think I finally understand the very core essence of  "bored to death". You see, I have finished my PRP right? So now, I have the chance to spend my time off. Newsflash everybody, working as a pharmacist in government hospital means shift works but we don't get paid, we just get time-off. Go be a doctor if you want money. They got paid a lot for the extra shift but the life is super busy and exhausted though.

Anyway, so here I am, free as the birds fly without nothing to do. Well, you can only read so much and writes so much until it gets damn boring. I do reading and writing as hobbies for god sake. FYI, I'm thinking of going to the stationary store and buy some watercolor cause those seem fun. Also, go check my Instagram because I just started doing analysis on "100 Love Poems You Should Read Before You Die" which basically a noob (me) trying to understand classical (i guess) poems.

Back to the most important matter. 

IT IS AFIFAHADDNAN.COM (I'm so tempted to say bitches but I'm just so well mannered and now am so proud with my self-control)

so now, please spend two seconds of your life and looks and look at the address tab to just appreciate that it is afifahaddnan.com

Actually, a lecturer of mine oppose the idea of getting the domain because I rarely update which is like "Whatever imma an independent girl (sangat takda kena mengena) and I'll do what I want" but then I got self-conscious like "Prof are you actually reading this? I STILL IN LOVE WITH BTS BTW"

he hates k-pop

speaking of k-pop, I'm going to write all about my in-depth analysis on k-pop. someday.

i'm sorry if you expect more

Now, getting to the second most important matter for the day - my BLOGLIST

If you guys read my blog, you'll notice that I have a bloglist which dedicates to list Malaysian blogger. Actually, it was more on dedicating to blog list those with a true passion to write original content. Back when blogging got hyped in Malaysia, bloggers only rewrite thing which is just so weird. Everyone can Google those and I know it gives you traffic but why? So at that time, blog walking isn't much of an excitement. However, I learned to realize that now, more and more Malaysian bloggers are writing more quality content which makes it exciting to do this bloglist. But the project took so much time (ie stalking more blogs) and now I'm coming up with a new strategy to expand this database (we're using big words now, keep up). 

We are playing tags (this is not an excuse to play tags because I miss another storm of tags)

It's easy, just post this banner and tell three things that screams passionate blogger to you. Then tag two other bloggers for the tag. This is just to get the words spreads. If the said blogger is interested to be listed, just make sure the tag pass on and comment something here. Idk, Hi or something? You can just comment a dot and I'll put your blog in the bloglist.

I hope this gets attention and not end up with me looking sad.

I guess I'll start. Well. Passionate blogger for me means - 

1. he/she care to make the post/blog aesthetically pleasing as according to the blog theme. 

2. have some topic or niche instead of just posting daily rambling.

3. actually loves writing (we can read through the words if the person enjoys writing or not).

Actually, all my faves have been listed in the bloglist so, I'm just tagging this to spread words.

These are some passionate bloggers 

The charming and cute Fatina

The smart and sweet Eyqa

The most aesthetically pleasing thing Rasya

The most supportive and loving Mrs Pip

The ambitious and talented Lya Amie

and now I runs out of adjectives.

Roll On: Cooking For One For One Week With One Grocery Shopping

Roll On: Cooking For One For One Week With One Grocery Shopping

Dec 6, 2018

So, the title is either genius or simply frustratingly confusing.

In welcoming my after PRP life and the revival of Crack Culture - we are living healthier!

I love to cook. However, cooking for one is such a big hassle and it is just not the kind of hassle I need during PRP. Now that I have finished my PRP, we can put more effort into cooking.

Most importantly cooking and eating healthier.

So, my big problem with eating is that

1. I tend to eat more rice
2. I snack a lot. Like a lot, lot

Living stressfully have also been very conducive to make me eat more. 

Now, I'm not doing this to lose weight but I'm doing this because I want to re-program my eating pattern. What I'm doing is that I got this new project where I planned my grocery shopping to last for a few days (most ideally to last a week) and try to cook simple-no-rice meals. I'm doing only lunches at the moment because I'm afraid I'll get bored easily and then turn back to eat like I used too. 

It has happened before guys so we are taking this slowly.

Before we start to talk about what to cook - we have to get the technicalities prepared first. You will at least need a (1) stove (if you don't have one, maybe try to invest on those portables ones). A (2) non-stick pan, medium sized is more than good. Since we are cooking for one, you don't really need ladle and stuff. Spoons will work (I only use spoon since the portion is small). A (3) knife (a medium-sized and sturdy knife, not that cute thin ones). (4) Chopping board is also important. I know some might get that thrifty idea to just cut stuff on a table but please get one. A small one is good enough.

i'm having such a big problem at how seokjin loves to cook and looks so comfortable in the kitchen.
this screams relationship material for god sake!

Now, let's talk groceries!

Firstly I bought two pieces of chickens breast. If you know groceries, you know how a chicken is sold according to parts. I chose chicken breast since it has the least fat plus easier to work with. Keeping a tray of eggs is good too. Actually, I should have bought one piece of chicken breast and a medium sized mackerel tuna. I got bored rather quickly with the chicken breast and mackerel tuna is the only fish I like to eat not fresh. 

I have a weird palate. 

I can't eat a not-freshly caught fish. 

I swear I'm not being picky.

I'm just programmed this way.

Actually, if we got more choices here, I would just buy tuna blocks. It's much more fulfilling and can be cooked easily but still tasted good. Plus, if I actually got the time to go to the wet market, I would have bought squids too.

Now come the fun part, vegetables! Since I'm not eating rice, vegetables are needed to make me feel full. The trick is to have different kinds of vegetables. At least one leafy ones  (the lettuce) and one crunchy one (the capsicum). For this time, I also got myself mushrooms and tomatoes. It is a good choice due to the structure and thus the variability of taste which is important so that I'll not get bored easily. The sweet potato is also important because I still need some sort of carbohydrate and plus, it tasted good too! But these are actually more than I need for a week. The broccoli and half of the capsicum gone bad actually. I also bought a small loaf of Gardenia's wholemeal bread.

Now comes the important part - getting that good flavor. First of all, you have to buy onions. At least buy a few cloves of garlic and a handful of onions. Next are those fellas in the pictures above. I know I'll need to at least stir-fry the vegetables and maybe grill the chicken. These four ingredients (plum sauce, oyster sauce, roughly grinded black peppers and dried rosemary leaves) are good enough to marinate your chicken and to be made into a simple sauce. Saute some onions and put oyster sauce is good enough to stir-fry vegetables. These will last you more than a month actually.

So what did i cook?

I don't want to spend a lot of time cooking so it must be simple menus but at the same time, it needs to have good flavors and some sort of variety. Mind you, I have a very simple palate, so if you guys need stronger flavors, I can suggest some things but it may or may not meet your satisfaction. Plus, the use of more colors (different vegetables) will work wonder to make foods look more appetizing.

1. Fried noodles

Onions, chicken, mushrooms and some oyster sauce. I put oyster sauce instead because I don't one to use the instant noodles seasoning. This is an experiment of some sort. So the vegetables and chicken gives out flavor to the noodle too. I don't want to use the seasoning because I want to buy the instant noodles only, not the ones with seasoning and stuff. this way I can choose healthier noodles. But if this is too bland for you, try adding some chili paste and some soy sauce. You can try buying actual noodle but this is once a week plan so dried noodles is my best choice. there are plenty of choice, just looks for the ones with lesser calories

2. A simple stir-fry

Just stir fry some vegetables and to make it more fulfilling - add some carbs and proteins. I used scrambled eggs but eggs tasted so bland, I should use chicken instead. I put some crouton-ish into this too. I simply did some oil-less fry of one slice of wholemeal bread and cuts it into smaller pieces. You can try to put potatoes instead but I decided it was too much work. For the flavoring, I put oyster sauce and black pepper. This is a very simple dish so I'm not quite sure what you can do more to make it more appetizing.

3. Proteins and funs with vegetables

I also did a mix of things and plate it this way. Since the ikan tongkol is fried and thus is flavorful enough, I just toss some freash lettuce and cherry tomatoes. The sweet potato slices were fried with no oil. I thought I cut the sweet potatoes too thin but these end up being so filling.

The chicken was supposed to be made into a sandwich since I keep some of my grilled chicken for that purpose but I didn't feel like eating a sandwich and made this instead. Then green leaves are actually spinach. A friend of mine gave it to me. I did a quick fry of the spinach and the tomatoes with plum sauce. Totally loving it.

Kinda a grilled chicken but I did on my nonstick pan. I just turn it into slow heat and put the lid on. I marinated it overnight first with some black pepper, dried thyme, oyster sauce, and plum sauce. I also put some onions which are actually optional. I just wanted more taste with the use of onions. When I finished cooking the chicken, I use the same pan and fry the mushrooms and sweet potatoes. I add some more oyster sauce and plum sauce so that I have a bit of sauce to go with the chicken.

4. Sandwich

wholemeal bread just give better taste profile and I did way too much filling~

I fry the ingredient a bit while cooking the chicken (I didn't make the grilled chicken yet) because I don't feel like wanting to eat everything so fresh. 

I still cook but I didn't actually go for one-week grocery shopping since I currently keep on taking few days off from work. I have lots of time off to be used so I didn't need to buy much groceries to cook for one week. I still cook though. If I got enough menus, I'll write another post. And probably takes a good landscape sized photo instead.

Dr Ko Skin Specialist Review (frustrating) - UPDATED

Dr Ko Skin Specialist Review (frustrating) - UPDATED

Nov 26, 2018

(update - found the pictures so this version is going to be more detailed)

me when i know how long this post is going to take. i'm literally having a mask on my face.

JUST FYI. 

I put frustrating because I want it to be sort of like a clickbait but alas, I feel guilty, so I'm explaining the "clickbait" in the very first paragraph. However, since I have now found those said picture - here is my before picture. It turns out that my acne is far worse than the picture I originally thought going to present best as an example. Oh well.

what i thought i was

this is taken directly before i did my first extraction

If you read my post about Aiken (look at my sidebar, it is literally the only post that is popular in this blog), you will see that I have an acne prone skin. If it was mild, Aiken and a really well-disciplined skin care are enough. But if I have a bad breakout (usually during stressful times) it is just so so bad. The last time it does is during my final year. At that time, a lecturer of mine had offered to give me a referral letter and got me the treatment I needed (yay pharmacy school). I managed to get medicines from PPUKM but due to money and times issues, I didn't complete the treatment (still regretting it till this day). 

What happened is that, even though my acne got resolved, I still didn't complete the treatment. This means that there is a high possibility for recurrence. But I thought, I'm not studying anymore = no awful stress = no breakout. Oh boi, how wrong was I.

PRP is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy stressful and the breakout happens in a jiffy. 

Seeing that now I have the money and a bit of time, I decided to get back into treatment and I choose to go to Dr Ko Skin Specialist Clinic. Yes, Dr Ko is expensive, but it is the closest and most easily accessible for me. But most importantly it works.

In light cases of acne, doctors will suggest good skin care. If you went into skin specialist, they will have the kind of skin care they want you to use. In my case, Dr. Ko has their own line of skin care products. But these are from an actual dermatologist - so mind you that it will cost a lot. Mine cost almost a hundred per bottle (cleanser, toner, moisturizer, etc). If you have few more acne of the more bad ones, a topical spot acne treatment will be given, like benzoyl peroxide cream or isotretinoin cream. If it is even worse, an antibiotic is needed. Step up the worseness a bit, you will be given isotretinoin capsules. Some may need hormone drugs though I'm not sure how you are qualified for one. However, this is a very general description, it is better for actual doctors to check your acne especially if it is a really bad breakout. But in my case, I have all of the above.

That's how bad it was. 

Or probably Dr. Ko been giving the same treatment to everyone. That's the thing about private clinics. 

We will never know.

I went to them, talked about my problem and how I used to be on isotretinoin. It was decided that I take both isotretinoin and antibiotic. Attention girls! Both medicines have a negative effect on babies, and I think you have to stop the medicine for at least 6 months before planning on having a baby. I'm not sure about guys though.

i take that basic acne package

Here's the funny thing, like most private clinics, they didn't label the medicine. It is actually illegal that your medicine isn't labeled as detail as it should be (the names and strength at least). Now that you know, always ask them to write the name of the medicine. Learn more about what you put into your body!

I've known that the soft capsules ones that I got are isotretinoin but I wasn't sure what the antibiotic was. Weirdly because it is in tablet form. Usually, the kind of antibiotic given is doxycycline and it is in hard capsules. I think at some point, I learned what the antibiotic was, but since I didn't actually wrote it down -

WE WILL NEVER KNOW.

I only need the antibiotic for two months and continue months after that with isotretinoin. I am still on isotretinoin actually. The dermatologist there said that I need to eat isotretinoin for a year 

For my first day, I went for a consultation with the dermatologist (of course it wasn't Dr. Ko) and bought myself this package.

If you take only the medicine (if you got treatments from a government hospital, we only gave the medicine, get your own skin care products), it will take longer for your acne to resolve. But in my case, I used all the products and went for their extraction. My acne greatly reduced in 2 months that even the staff at Dr. Ko was amazed. I was then able to use the Vitamin C powder (since my skin does not have much acne at the time) and it works so good to lighten the scars and overall makes my skin simply looks healthier. 

Did I tell how satisfying the extractions are? I hated doing extractions because I know it will helps a lot but the facial spa I've been isn't as hygienic as I need them to be. It only causes more acne thus I stop going to one. Since I have sensitive skin, a swap with alcohol swab only won't do. The staff in Dr. Ko not only have a good extraction technique, the process was meticulous and just so hygienic too. Not to mention, the use of that salicylic acid plus the mask afterward really works wonder on my skin thus the effects of extractions were greatly reduced. 

It was so painful though since I have lots of cyst but that staff that did my face, you are officially my MVP!

Let's talk about their skincare products that I used. 

First, we have the cleanser and the moisturizer. Since you will have a bad dry skin (the effects of isotretinoin), a moisturizer is a must. Next, we have two producr that aims especially for acne. First is the spot treatment plus an essence/serum. A sunscreen and next is like I have said before, when the acne resolved, I also used their Vitamin C powder. Of course, the antibiotic is twice daily and the isotretinoin once daily. Both will cause you around RM300 per month but once you stop needing the antibiotic, it will cost around half.

Isotretinoin has drying effect (that how it works, it dries out the oil and generally the skin so the acne doesn't have a good viable condition to thrive) so it is better to take before sleep instead of living the day feeling annoyed at how dry your lips are. Since I know I will have a dry chapped lips, I get myself Nivea Lip Care Butter. Lip balm won't be enough and I always love Nivea product. It works so well too and the packaging was too cute lol. There isn't much problems with antibiotics but long terms used might cause diarrhea which is just awful.

the order of wearing it is from top to bottom. allows to dry before applying the next product.

That bottle is the (1) cleanser. The box at the left is the packaging. The box at the right is the (2) moisturizer. Feel free to study the ingredients and you'll know why it is damn expensive. Totally loving these. The cleanser is so light but still foamy and I have strong reason to believe it works to treat my acne so I repurchase another bottle when it finishes. It was the only one I continue to use since I know Aiken works on me (plus Aiken's cleanser is too harsh for me while I don't like how Cetaphil does not have foams). I don't want to be spending hundreds more money on skin care. The moistuzer is also a wonder but I must say it works like how Aiken moisturizer works on me so I just use Aiken ones now.

The left one (3) spot treatments in gel form. Meaning to treat the acne by spotting it on acne. The right one is (4) a face essence but caters those with acne problem. These are also very important in treating my acne. But since my acne resolved quite fast, I still have the cream. It works so well and fasts. If I even have the slightest bit of acne, I dab that cream and it will resolve in two days tops! The middle one is a (5) sunscreen. Sunscreen is important but to spend such fortune for one feels so wrong. Although mine come with the package though.

The (6) toner is in mist form and that small bottle is the (7) Vitamin C powder. I bought the powder separately, it wasn't included in the package. Cost me almost a hundred for that small bottle but it lasts about a month and gave impressive result so I don't mind it the slightest bit.

I think the Vitamin C powder works so well due to how it was formulated which gives it the ability to really be absorbed deep into the skin. I'm sorry the picture is a bit blurred. Oh yeah, you need to mix the powder with the moisturizer and then apply it onto your skin.

 Pro tips - Dr Ko hardly does sale. That's how good they are. But on your birthday, you can get crazy discount. I bought my second cleanser at half price and they have book one free one facial treament.

expensive AF but it works amazingly so it is a money well spent. though i seriously thinks there are plenty of good products that work just as good but not as expensive.

Two months after. Lots of dark spots. Most acne has been cleared. By this time, I have finished the three extraction session. It was done every two weeks. I just started to use the Vitamin C powder. I am also still using all the skincare products.

Almost a month after using the Vitamin C powder. As you can skin, my skins brighten quite noticeably. The darks spot seems healing as it turn pinks. Some staffs start to mentions how my skin looks so much better.

well excuse my big nostrils and I don't even understand why I have this picture but this is during eid. about four months after starting treamtent. THIS IS WHAT I CALL A GLOW UP.

and we are closing this with my latest selfie. barefaced but with MaryKay sunscreen. We'll talk about that later.

Remember, the fact that Dr. Ko really works well is due to the medicine (there are plenty of clinics that can provide the medicines) and their amazing products (but there are good products that work well and cost less or you can try other products from other skin clinics/medispa). But Dr. Ko is a well-established brand in Malaysia thus it is easily understandable why it is a popular choice.

I still have those deep scars but not really that deep but still deep which can only be treated with laser treatment. I was thinking to do laser treatment as well but I think I'm satisfied with my current skin. I think the idea of a complete flawlessness is not Afifah so nahh. I might change my mind though. I only use the cleanser nowadays. Plus, I still ate the medicine. I'll share my new skin care in the future and the condition of my skin before, during and after the horrible acne.

Roll On: It Has Been Done (big YAYY) and the BIRTH of CRACK CULTURE

Roll On: It Has Been Done (big YAYY) and the BIRTH of CRACK CULTURE

Nov 16, 2018

As in last 19/10/2018 - I finished all my PRP requirement and had all the log books signed by our Ketua Pegawai Farmasi. I didn't finish it in one year though as early October should be the complete one-year. Had to apply to extend it for another month but still, I actually finish it. With that note, yes, my one-year (plus one month-ish) training is done. 

If anything that my "It Has Been" series have thought, is that my one-year training has been so hard and draining. I was beyond relief once I got to send all those log books. Funnily, right after that, I didn't tell anyone for like 3 to 4 days. Not even my friends. It was so surreal and I think part of me subconsciously scared if I'm going to jinx it or something. But once I told the others, another surge of relief comes. I really, really, did this. 

What's even wild is that I thought that once I get to this part, all those emotions I've felt before would felt mundane. That I'll be "I was so childish before, bukan susah sangat pon". Although it is really isn't that hard (work wise) but all the other things that came with it is still such a big toll on me and it affects everything. I don't have even slightest thought that those are mundane or childish. I lived through that and survived. This is one of the big wins in my life.

With that, comes a new question? What is life going to be now? 

Up until now, my life has a specific target to achieve that kinda rules out everything. So while I still do my blog, poetry, and stuffs, it was a side, side, side kind of thing and I can't really indulge in it since my main priority is still to focus my energy on that specific target. But now, my life is about going working and do working stuff and simply a task of day to day (in working hours) achievements. Work is going to be repetitive but stays in working hours. It gives me satisfaction, work-wise, but I want more. Especially now that I have my own life (and money) and generally a whole new canvas to draw on. 

What's next Afifah?

Travel?

Discover poetry world in Malaysia?

Write a poetry book?

Learn new languages or skills?

Volunteering job?

Better blogger?

Hafazan?

Continue Master? PhD?

Umrah? Haji?

Actually, start to live healthier?

All the above?

I'm excited and I haven't felt this way for the longest time.

but for starters - introducing CRACK CULTURE 😎

I'm letting go of Awesomeness since it stops feeling true to embody me. Awesomeness was me trying to do more while serving the main priority in life. Basically, how life can be more than just achieving your focus at the time being. I needed this blog renovation because now life is going to be uncertain but lot more new possibilities. Awesomeness can't embody that. So CRACK CULTURE is born. 

Crack can means lots of thing - to break something, cocaine, to make fun, wild, entertaining etcetera.

CRACK CULTURE is me trying to live more and beyond.