Roll On: Groupwork issues much

Roll On: Groupwork issues much

May 28, 2016

AFIFAH WHINES TO MUCH NOWADAYS.

*Sigh heavily.

I just decided that my threshold level of toleratable shit need to be increase a little bit. Just so that I can be nicer than I have always been. I thought myself to be quite harsh than my group of peers. Like literally, there are like angels.

I mean it, ANGELS.

Like when Castiel always come to help Sam and Dean although they only contact him when they need help.

I am having conflict. Which result in these threshold things.

To please other and to be my own self. The issue was if I actually not giving much effort than I am supposed to. These efforts is the "please others". I mean, what i give is what others see and thus for them to decide if i have done enough. BUT, the conflict is when I thought I have done my part yet also thought that i am not doing enough because others want more. It made me question myself and i hate that.

The most important thing however, I should know what I need to do and what I can give which relies on my exact responsibilities as well as to please myself knowing this is what I CAN DO.

So it become confusing that it depressed me. These are moments when people say I don't care what people say but somehow sometime I do really care.

Then come all those re-assuring comforting opinions gave to my own self. So called that I have gave my best. This is true though. We should know our limits. Our responsibilities.

But never is to say I have done better.

That is the source of my queasiness now. I think so. Actually, i strongly think so.

I thought I have done better or actually know better or like everyone is not. They flawed and I am better. It is fucking stupid. But I can't help myself. This is actually my own flaw.

I need to istighfar more.

There is another flaw of me which has also give rise to this quesiness. This one I know for sure. Ego. I got ego big as mammoth. I chose mammoth because they extinct. See. Ego.

I'm afraid my ego has prevent me from seeing the better picture. Saw my own mistakes. Admit and to improve my mistakes.

Ego. Self doubt.

People should tell when people do wrong things or thought so, then we can clear out stuff.

I am afraid of what others think of me. Which is tiring. I am a slave of Allah. Not them.

Liberate me.

Roll On: I am not pathologically depressed.

Roll On: I am not pathologically depressed.

May 22, 2016

These blog getting gloomier that if I was to read this blog completely unknown to my own self, i would seriously advice myself to like, go talk to someone.

I am stucked. At being ignorant to those who carelessly toying with my feeling because they thought they can and to actually do something to make it right. They have the privilage to get me to be toleratable but it does not mean i have to like it. To like them. It is worse as these are the some people which I can't simply shut down because, well, fuck. If I can simply shut them off then of course I wouldn't have these helpless feeling.

I don't like to get mad really. Especially at things that I know I can't get mad and because I love to make peace with myself. I do understand that this what Allah meant it to be and i have the strength to endure. I know myself well to have all the sense to choose whose feeling to care for and these are really the FEW. I know I have to care since i'm an adult and these is my responsibilty. I hate talking in puzzle.

Deep long breath.

This is hard and tiresome and endlessly not going to stop from happening again. I just know it. Or maybe because i'm still at mourning stage that I thought everything was hopeless. I am hopeless. To think that i was going to have a great weekend and end up curling all day long on my bed. This feel so damn bad.

Don't ask me to like talk to someone. Can someone please stop the time.

Roll On: About a t-shirt

Roll On: About a t-shirt

May 11, 2016

Mak was a small lady. She was shorter than me, heck, by time, she would be shorter than all of us. She was very thin at her young age that I wonder hard why only Natrah got that. She gets chubby after the seven of us. She was our very own chubby little mak with the most outstanding strength.

Mak for me is the very own symbol of strength.

She is a primary school teacher where they have new sport t-shirt practically every year for god knows why. At that time, the idea of muslimah tshirt cease non existence. Mak compensate with having shirt of twice or even thrice her size. It gives the illusion of muslimah tshirt. But as i say before, she has small figure. So the length and width of the sleeve was of awkward but she looks cute nonetheless. She has it compensated by having the sleeve altered. Instead of cutting it off, she sew it.

What i don't realize is that, when i have the stitches out, her shirt fits me well. Cause apparently, the oversize of her is my size. Cliche.

Reading the school name on the shirt was a bit nostalgic. Remembering her in the shirt was beautiful. Hurtful. But beautiful. I remembered her among her students. Among her friends. The hectic morning we prepared for school and the sunny noon waiting for her to back home. The lunch we spent at those homey warung and her effort to balance on caring for us with her own teaching work. Most importantly, is her smile.

When she gets so ill, the hardest thing is seeing no hope. I thought that is the hardest thing. It isn't. The hardest was when she smile. The smile that promised there is hope.

So little that i realize i has almost forgetten how those smiles feel. I had myself taken aback when i went on to repair her tshirt . i ripped it a little on removing her stitches. How ashamed if she has chosen to cut it off at the first place.

It's hard to lose when we only learn the true meaning of losing when we actually lose. The guilt, remorse, miss.

The knowingness that none will ever replace it.

Roll On: Stop Dreaming

Roll On: Stop Dreaming

May 6, 2016

I am different. Sort of. I should stop updating this blog when i'm feeling down. Sort of.

Yup. I might be a little depressed.

Oh my.

There is this amazing Supernatural fanfiction called Half Price Gemini. It was a good long read and I am in the middle of re-reading it. It is so much fun that it make me sort of happy in this depressing time.

Sort of.

Nah, very yes of actually. I am quite depressed. I don't talk or do much things of what my friends does. I don't find them to have the same preference. I don't clicked. It is of putting. I realize that I don't have that special someone that I can succumb to. I try to adapt but it's not fun not being myself.

I don't really bother about this really. I've known this forever. Forever lonely some might say. I just don't bother trying when it also hurts not being myself. Lately however, it has been depressing.

PMS? Assignment? Clinical attachment? Two time cancelled plan of going home?

I started to really really judge people. I'm loud and outspoken. I start to think everyone is judging me for this though when i think back, i do soften it. It didnt suppose to hurt. But then i start to think maybe i think so because i want it so. It's unhealthy yet i can't stop. I know i am wrong though but this thoughts is killing me that i want to escape. Sleeping was not a choice cause apparently i hate sleeping.

I'm now at the stage of having sleep as refuel of energy. People thought i sleep a lot but i really just want to freshen up to do my work.

I don't take pity of this of me. I believe this is how it meant to be that i cant do much. I can be different and adapting but then i would feel even empty. Losing my own self. I can't have that now.

I think this is why i like Castiel character in this fanfiction. He was eccentric, weird and so much fun. Yet he is different and so strong. He is outcast but he didn't bother to change. He is he and he is well meant that only selected people would see that and that is enough. Those were the only ones he needed. I never actually feel this attached to a character. Like really happy or sad or love them as if they were real person.

I should try to correct this depressive time. I eat a lot and i don't really have the money and the body capacity (read as malas nak exercise) for all those food.

Roll On : Good times Bad times

Roll On : Good times Bad times

Apr 24, 2016

In my case, bad memories is stubborn. Like those stupid small yet very obvious stain on your favourite t-shirt. Those that you can't remove that you start questioned yourself why the heck these things happen to your petty little life.

Bad memories hurts long way. I don't know why, I personally need a very long time. Yet, nope, nada, na-ah. Time does not heal. But sometime along the way, something would rise up and be the antidote that you need. But damn, in the mean time, I tend to still get hurt on remembering it. It sucks so bad.

I learned that to forgive yourself is like the ultimate key. To accept, to make peace, to learn from mistakes, to be that person that fight against these bad memories are gem and diamond. The Queen freaking crown. I desperately need it..

I am truly at lost here. Good memories were not fair. They were so joyful to create. But short lived, lower impact.

I think i'm gettin my period. I'm too moody. My period schedule has gone crazy.



Looking at emptied plates after a satisfying meal is fun.

Roll On : Whats up me today.

Roll On : Whats up me today.

Apr 1, 2016

So, i got this urge to express, stuff. Just that i don't know what. I've been reading romantic fluffy cutesy short stories and i think it kind of stucked in my heart, sort-ish.

To overcome this issue, i've been reading other genre. I literally forced myself. I think girl just love these stuff but then i don't like to be stucked in it. It hinders good brain development.

Anyway, i'm on my way to Kajang. We have booked three cars there and want to pick it up. We will go to Johor tomorrow. Good ol trip with my friends to my senior wedding. I'm excited and unsettled at the same time. I think the unsettled feeling is because i need to drive. I don't suck at driving just that my father is really psycho and i have been forever easily been affected. I need to actually be behind the wheel to be calm, that i can do this.

I've been receiving more that 40 traffic per day and i realized that i've written about Aiken and Umobile. That specific posts has been receiving the high traffic. I should write more bout brands. I think i'll start with Umobile postpaid plans and Redmi phone.

You know what, i always have low mood for a while during my menses. But this time it is worse. I've been in low mood for days. Not to mention my period was early. I drink coffee and got those hyperactivity for bout an hour and pooff everyone can get off and let me feel miserable with myself.

I think this may be part of the reason i was too into love stories.

Anyway, there is this Supernatural episode where Dean went back in time to 1944. Those Al Capone time and he look so hot all sleek with suit and fedora. Thanks a lot Eric Kripke for this. You're my favourite person.



What more eh.

Castiels'

I got cool new shoes. Not got, bought. It's Dr Cardin. Cost me RM69.90. I love it.

"Baby, be my angel. I gotta have you"

Kisses fellas.