My prime in my 25 years of life is during matriculation. I noticed that matriculation was Allah giving me a second chance (because I didn't get good grades in SPM).
I woke up every day at the same time around 6am, always had my power nap which helped me to still focus on evening lectures, had my second nap in the afternoon to get focus for my revision or any assignment that need to be done that night which leads me to always finished my assignment or revision earlier, generally have a good relationship with lots of friends since that was the first time I actually bonded with "peoples" and learn to depend on others (since that was my first time living away from home). I was doing quite good spiritually too. That was my first solid moment that I truly believe I can ask Allah anything and He listens and will grant it if it is mine to hold. It was such a freedom to have such trust.
It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, of course, those time includes my first real heartbreak, betrayal and generally hopelessness too. I endure it all and looking back at that time, I grow so much from those experiences that had become the foundation of me today. I still grew so much after that but that moment has become such a solid moment building what Afifah is today.
But Afifah today is far astray.
Why?
You see, I was so out of it these past two months. I didn't feel genuine happiness or content and feels anxious (about something related to work) all the time. I actually did that well-researched questionnaire to analyze depression and it suggests me to meet a doctor. Me, being a health student and all, of course, rejected the idea that I am depressed. Pfft. I feel tired all the freaking time even though I get enough sleep, I keep procrastinating work, never feel motivated to do anything that I merely do work (at my job) just to past the time, I keep on scrolling socmeds because that way I can keep away "this horrible feeling that I literally wasting away life" and generally feel scared at work because I know I am not improving as I should be thus I'll be judged etc etc.
That's why I've been pondering how good I am during matriculation and why can't I be that Afifah today? Because if I do, man, I can be such an ace at work.
I tried to transform my life, to get that time back, but it always failed miserably. I tried to study at night but I always get damn tired or just damn easily get distracted with other 100 things I should do that I end up doing nothing, I tried to get enough sleep but alas, still tired, I can't get myself to ALWAYS solat on time, can't get myself to read al-quran every day, can't even get myself to be praying earnestly, I was honestly feeling like giving up, that maybe I just don't cut for this pharmacy life and I'll die of depression or something.
I was pondering so hard at why Allah did this to me. I thought it was because I didn't fight enough. Didn't fight enough to stay disciplined, to stay awake, to give more and more. You know that ayat saying we only get what we gave effort too? I thought I wasn't giving enough effort, but I was so tired all the time and when I don't feel that tired, I just can never focus, how can I give effort? It was supposed to be the same level of tiredness as when I am in matriculation but I excel that time, why can't I be that way now?
Then I realized it wasn't entirely about effort.
It was my egoistical bastard in me that gets in the way.
When I was in matriculation, it was clear that by doing this I still get a chance to become a doctor or pharmacist, you know, typical Asian dreams. Why? Because my dad will love it and my mom will be so happy. My interest that time was on IT and historical stuff but I put it away because people says it won't become a good future so I do this. I never realized it but I did it purely so that my parent will be happy. It was made easy cause Allah always helped those who choose to do it for their parent right? But now it wasn't that pure. Dad doesn't care anymore because he thought I am finally a grown and successful adult. I am solely on my own. This is my world I'm trying to cave in and my intention is so that I'll be approved by everyone. It was pride. It was ego.
For the longest time, I knew I'm such an egoist. I hardly ask help from others and hate so much that I can't do certain things which make me looks stupid which is just another kind stupidity. This is why all my effort goes astray, because I want to get adoration and stupidly trying to become a better Muslim so Allah will give me my satisfaction to become prideful. Pride is the closest to shirik too. I was so so stupid.
I am not saying "hey you lets join hands and tries to be better Muslim because it will solve everything", but that is what I'm saying. I read zen thingy and meditations and self-help books and it has this one similar thing - be content with whatever you have. Being critical me as usual, I try to relate it to Islamic teaching because Islam is the way of life right? We are also asked to be content but we have better reasons, because us being content meaning His redha towards us, and His redha means happiness. Even in pain or misery, if we have this redha thinking, we will endure it better.
What I'm trying to say is that, life can be anything you want, it is an endless possibility. But what we feel deeps in our hearts is what matters. That is the thing that will drive us to be better and to use our lives in a way that benefits us instead of becoming an automated thingy that "norms" says we should be. We are not a robot.
