Roll On: It Has Been Done (big YAYY) and the BIRTH of CRACK CULTURE

As in last 19/10/2018 - I finished all my PRP requirement and had all the log books signed by our Ketua Pegawai Farmasi. I didn't finish it in one year though as early October should be the complete one-year. Had to apply to extend it for another month but still, I actually finish it. With that note, yes, my one-year (plus one month-ish) training is done. 

If anything that my "It Has Been" series have thought, is that my one-year training has been so hard and draining. I was beyond relief once I got to send all those log books. Funnily, right after that, I didn't tell anyone for like 3 to 4 days. Not even my friends. It was so surreal and I think part of me subconsciously scared if I'm going to jinx it or something. But once I told the others, another surge of relief comes. I really, really, did this. 




What's even wild is that I thought that once I get to this part, all those emotions I've felt before would felt mundane. That I'll be "I was so childish before, bukan susah sangat pon". Although it is really isn't that hard (work wise) but all the other things that came with it is still such a big toll on me and it affects everything. I don't have even slightest thought that those are mundane or childish. I lived through that and survived. This is one of the big wins in my life.

With that, comes a new question? What is life going to be now? 

Up until now, my life has a specific target to achieve that kinda rules out everything. So while I still do my blog, poetry, and stuffs, it was a side, side, side kind of thing and I can't really indulge in it since my main priority is still to focus my energy on that specific target. But now, my life is about going working and do working stuff and simply a task of day to day (in working hours) achievements. Work is going to be repetitive but stays in working hours. It gives me satisfaction, work-wise, but I want more. Especially now that I have my own life (and money) and generally a whole new canvas to draw on. 

What's next Afifah?

Travel?
Discover poetry world in Malaysia?
Write a poetry book?
Learn new languages or skills?
Volunteering job?
Better blogger?
Hafazan?
Continue Master? PhD?
Umrah? Haji?
Actually, start to live healthier?
All the above?


I'm excited and I haven't felt this way for the longest time.

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but for starters - introducing CRACK CULTURE 😎


I'm letting go of Awesomeness since it stops feeling true to embody me. Awesomeness was me trying to do more while serving the main priority in life. Basically, how life can be more than just achieving your focus at the time being. I needed this blog renovation because now life is going to be uncertain but lot more new possibilities. Awesomeness can't embody that. So CRACK CULTURE is born. 

Crack can means lots of thing - to break something, cocaine, to make fun, wild, entertaining etcetera.

CRACK CULTURE is me trying to live more and beyond. 

Roll On: It Has Been 10 Months and What I Do To Feel Better



It's 4.30 am, I'm currently doing my night shift.

It wasn't as hectic as big hospitals and I decided that I need to write. So here I am.

I'm feeling much more at ease when I went to work these days. It was insane remembering how I used to be and I was thinking that maybe everything can be so much better if I wasn't so crippling in my anxiety and insecurities. This feels rather amazing. I can be me. Yet, it is not all rainbows and unicorns, I still have these anxieties within me. I still feel insecure about lots of things. It is just a bit tamed.

The most amazing thing is that my stupid ass even finds a new way to become anxious. LOL. There will always be moments that I cursed myself for being "too" me - too comfortable. Thoughts like "I'm crossing some boundaries" or "I need to be quiet because I'm just a nobody" or "Someone must be talking behind my back about how much I'm not doing any better" - these white noise is slowly eating me from inside. I'm so mad about how easily affected I am with it. That even if these thoughts are true, I shouldn't be bothered with it. But I do, I do very much.



I'm still useless when I'm tired. I envied how a PRP-mate of mine can push herself so bad by staying up late, doing faster jobs and were so brave. It is a good kind of envy as I feel a bit motivated to do more. Maybe not as much as her cause I'm so useless staying up late, but simply a bit more lahh.

Anywho, in the spirit of me being more comfortable at work and can control my anxiety and insecurities a bit better. I'm gonna share you guys about how I manage (this sounded so invalid, but trust me, these works)


1. Find some place to escape - periodically


Mine would be home. I made this rule that I need to go back home at least once every two weeks. It's one thing if this is KL and I have all my friends. If I stayed, I literally only have myself and my issues to myself. Not good. I love to go home. I do some chores, cooks, watch something on Iflix and just spend some time with my family. The idea of this escape is to force yourself to not think about your issues. Dwelling in it will make me feel worse. A bit of separation time is very important to me. Earlier, I'd still feel anxious even when I'm at home (I've written about this as well) but I always force myself to be present, which leads us to my second tips.


2. Be aware of yourself


Some people love to just be miserable and hope it just went away. I read somewhere (credible source of course), that you need to confront your issues - head first. You need to name what are you feeling. It helped me a lot knowing that I feel miserable because I'm having anxiety and insecurities almost all the time (lessen now, of course). It helps me to be present with my issues and coaxed myself to feel better because what I'm feeling is just some groundless feelings. This is not me being in denial - but I find myself so attracted to the idea of rationalizing things. That my anxiety/insecurities just me torturing myself. That it is most likely just me exaggerating or even if it is true - I need to let it go. Knowing exactly what I'm dealing with (by naming what you are feeling) helps me to decide if this a new issue or if I should spend time dealing with it. That is this only happens in my head?


3. Letting Go


I've told about Leo Babauta book The Letting Go Ebook (it's free) and his first free ebook that I love so much - "Little Book of Contentment". These books taught me about being grateful for what you have and to let go of things - especially my anxiety, insecurities, being afraid and peoples too. I've read it a long time ago but it has helped me a lot more these days. It wasn't some overnight success of course. It takes a lot of time (and practice) but the main point is to always do it. I think it is important that as much as I consistently went into this black hole of negative feeling that I always try to beat it with something positive with the same intensity.

4. Be productive


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I can't stress enough how being productive will help you feel so much better. Especially in my case, most of my anxieties is that I feel that I need to give more. But you can't just start doing things randomly. I find myself doing daily to do list helped a lot. Be rational with it too. You don't want writing to many "to do" and end up feeling stressful because you can't live up to it. The satisfaction upon completing your daily goals will help you feel better. Even more so, being a slump (like what I always resort too), only will make you feel worst.  Not gonna lie though, I'm still so bad at it. 


5. Make your place awesome


I changed my curtain and buy some simple rack to put things. I always re-organize things so that it fits how I work around. It takes times and energy but it's totally worth for it. Having a place that makes you feel comfortable is important. If that cute plushies feel comfortable to sleep with - buys it! It some stuff feels just too much but you can't find the heart to throw it  - just throw it away already. If you don't have any idea - research! Pinterest is the best way to start. I remember how returning to my room used to be stressful. Now, when it feels more like me, I like it better. It feels like a safe haven for me. I like how it felt such a haven especially after a long day at work.


6. Good sleep is lyfeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


Omg, I hate it so much when I can't sleep well. Currently, I'll put on earplugs (it wasn't loud, but the dull of not hearing anything feels good to sleep with) and I have this comfortable comforter which helped me a lot to sleep better. Phone before sleep is a big no no. I notice how I woke up better if I don't use my phone before sleep. I also used f.lux on my laptop that will automatically dim my laptop and reminds me that in how many hours I need to wake up. I had it bad earlier when I started working that it is just so hard for me to sleep and when I finally did, I'll have nightmares (work related, again, I've told about this as well) and thus end up not having a good sleep. It is such a long way for me to get my sleep. If you guys have the same issues, do figure it out. There's a lot of things to try to get better sleep. Try it all.


7. I finally got back to my lovely morning coffee routine


To have my me + coffee time in the morning is so IMPORTANT. It always helps me to set the right kind of mood to kickstart the day. When I have it bad with my anxiety, I was so anxious that I can't even enjoy my morning coffee and was always in a foul mood in the morning. My morning routine is so important for me. It was something I have done since forever. So when my anxiety makes it impossible to calm down and enjoy my coffee, it just makes me feel even worst. I insist on you guys to have some sort of morning routine too. Starting the day the right way is important to actually go through it.



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8. Writing


Writing is my best kind of therapy. Either on my blogs or working on poems for my Instagram account. I made it a point now to start writing poems again. You can see that my Instagram is now regularly updated. I know not everyone is gifted in writing. You can try writing in daily journals/diary. Even writing to-do list kinda makes me feels good. Peoples have always say that writing daily journals helped. I've tried that though, it didn't work for me. But writing in my blog and making poems does. If you can find a way to write things, give it a try! If you feel like writing a certain topic and don't have anywhere to publish it, I am more than happy to publish it here on my blog. Just DM me on my Instagram account


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9. Pray



I not gonna lie, I am by far not the most devout person. But praying is important. The moments after solat and at every time you feel down, say a little prayer. It makes me feel at ease a bit knowing that Allah always understands me and praying to Him and hoping in Him is the best way to cope with things. Especially when He is the one that holds the power over everything. I'd suggest trying Mathurat. It's filled with good and beautiful duaa. Pray :)

Roll On: It Has Been 8 Months *rambling*


I don't feel so good.

This gonna be me rambling stuff.

I always have this thought that I didn't feel genuinely happy for quite some time. I can't even recall the last time I feel happy. Yesterday, on my way back to the hospital (as I was spending the weekend at home) I recall that during the weekend, I didn't feel anxious about work. Hence, the time spent at home doing simple things like watching some movies, talk to my sisters, got the chance to meet my cousins, cooks, went to "bazaar Ramadhan" with my dad - feels kinda good. I'm not really sure about the actual science that leads me to be able to forgo the anxiety, but it did, and yes it feels good.

But as soon as I reached the hospital, to my mopey room, and the truth starts to sink in that I need to work and I just suck at it and I have lots of things to do but just don't feel like doing it at all and that somehow everyone judges me so talk in slow voice, avoid eye contact, watch every word that comes out from your mouth, avoid peoples - it just so fucking tiring.

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I even feel tired that I always write the same thing out. I feel like I was being such a brat - moping all the fucking time.

I even feel tired to be literally glued to my phone. It is such good escape from actual reality so excuse me. I am so tired browsing BTS like a typical fangirl because they make me feel good and makes a really good escape too.

What's worse is that I think I might feel better if I finished my PRP requirements but that's the problem - I just don't feel like doing it.

That is all to it for today.

Roll On: Bad Habits



We'll continue the rediscovering thingy after this one, I have to get this one out. Seeing how many personal thoughts I have shared here, I might need to go anon or something but anyway, I'm having epiphany moment while watching movies.  

It's such a cliche because I was watching movies as a form of distraction from "responsibilities" and now I'm having an epiphany.

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"The Psychologist Then, as a psychologist, I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. Somehow. In some part of our lives. We drink, or take drugs, or destabilize the happy job... or happy marriage." - Annihilation, 2018.

It hits me hard because I do feel like I'm doing self-destruction. It is just so confusing with "living a good life" versus "living the machine life". I was baffled. I thought I was tired with all the works I have to do and that has justified a good job but then, my logbook (simply a log of all the activities I have to perform to a certain standards/numbers) is nowhere near completion. I talked to a "pegawai" that has just finished her training like the one I'm doing now and we started to discuss "these requirements" of mine that seems nowhere near completion. That she had it easy since she went to a big hospital. I think she was purposely having this conversation seeing how utterly lost I am. It wasn't about big hospitals or new rules but it was me, I am the one who needs to take action.

I have to thank her because that had left me thinking that maybe I was the one "self-destructing" my chances of being a fully registered pharmacy instead of me simply blaming the universe.

But why you may ask?

Because I didn't have that much of self-disicpline to when facing hard things.

I was lazy.

I was procrastinating because things were hard but guess what, this is supposed to be hard because this is a hard job and this is my training for a better life in the future because I have survived this hustle. 

It is just that requirement. I just have to choose if this is the battle that I want to fight or not?

I want to fight. 

So for that, I need to let go my bad habits. 

Firstly, I need to goddamn wakes up early. 

This was funny because, for the longest time, I thought I wasn't having a good night sleep so that is why it is so hard for me to wake up. Although it is true for a while earlier when I was still having anxiety that keeps me waking up during the night but alhamdulillah it isn't the issue now. I was just so bad at waking up early. At some points, I think I was so sleepy because my body knows my minds so well that we hated going to work because it was "job" and "responsibilities" and "expectations".


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Secondly, I need to stop excusing myself to take so much effort for food.

It might be me depressing or just tired but I just don't have much appetite for food. I get hungry alright but I just don't feel like eating anything. I still have to eat because feeling hungry is such a bothersome feeling. So I went to places, that usually takes time to even get there because I kinda feel like eating those food but usually, I don't really have that much of appetite for it. To make it worse, I eat so little. I rarely even finished my plate or get obnoxiously full when I do (I hate feeling obnoxiouly full). It takes so much time and wasted my energy when I should be doing something more important. Seeing how eating at different places do little to nothing to improve my appetite, I just have to stick to the basic nasi goreng or something and shove it into my mouth untill I don't feel hungry.


Thirdly, stop procrastinating.

I truly don't know how to settle this. I usually feel so tired so I just can't focus to do my job. Either doing that slides of study more. So yeah, I need to stop procrastinating somehow.


Next, always forgets new things I learned. 

One funny thing during my working life is the bits and pieces that we learned randomly. When we were studying, we learned things systematically. One body system to one pharmacological class (which I have forgotten much of it of course). But now every once in a while I simply learned one isolated thing from the others like the maximum dose of rectal paracetamol (typical medicine) and the minimum dose of allopurinol (special kind of medicine for gout). Even funnier, that isolated things still matter so even though I'm not quite sure what other gout medicines is, that knowledge of allopurinol still just makes sense. But I tend to forget it which makes it just so sad, so I just have to start writing these random pieces of knowledge and re-read it once a while. At least, I still have these bits and pieces rather than nothing at all.

More, being too timid and not sure of myself.

I realized that I hated not knowing things because it makes me feel incompetent. I tried to avoid from being asked questions and feel utterly useless when I "got caught" not knowing. It was stupid, I should embrace my weaknesses because there is just nothing I can do about that but rather accepting it and tries to learn when I don't know and just learn every time I got the chance too. I need to be more vocal too. More vocal on saying"I don't know" even when peoples giving me side-eyes and start to ask the right question instead of gibbering. 


Stop going with the flow

Like I said before, I need to take action. My logbooks and my procrastination and yada yada, I need to start acting on it.T



I hope that was all to it. I'm still feeling confused but a little less than usual so that's good. By the way, I'm feeling so full right now with apple pie, chocolate sundae, pepsi and cappucino. I might have no appetite but man I can snack unconsciously while writing.





Roll On: Rediscovering Myself (Part One)



So I taught, hey, plenty of people lives alone by themselves, I am not the only one feeling miserable right? I found out that there are these articles for tips or guides living alone and one of it that kinda leads me to write at this moment is that living alone can be a stepping stone for you to learn to know yourselves better. I asked myself a lot during these time that it is pretty exhausting. Mostly was am I not cut for pharmacy or is it just my tired body talking? But how tired can I really be then?

I found these set of questions about discovering myself and let's get on to it now.


1. What activities in your life that lights you up with joy?

Honestly. I didn't feel an honest joy for quite sometimes and it is just disturbing. I went out for dinner with my friend yesterday, I always try to spend more time with her and even though it is pleasing, it didn't feel so satisfyingly happy as when I hung out with my friends (her included) before. When I feel too stressed out at UKM I will return home and spend time with my family and it can be me just lazying around at home but I feel brand new when I return to UKM, I haven't felt that way now. This was my ultimate weapon but it failed. Damn.