I need to put my menstrual cycle back into my calendar. I’ve been feeling so lethargic for the past few days. It has been so hard for me to wake up in the morning. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m getting my period, but this feels a bit too much, really.
We went out for a breakfast date last Friday as a pick-me-up. I thought getting out and about would do the trick. We also had a look around at KipMall Bangi because I had never been there before while getting some groceries. It was around 12.30pm when my husband dropped me off at home because he needed to go for Jumaat prayer. We had a heavy breakfast, so I thought I’d chill for a bit before getting lunch started, but I ended up falling asleep and didn’t even realize my husband had come back. He had to wake me up to check on me because it was weird that I had been asleep for so long. I woke up feeling so groggy too.
I even took a long nap yesterday evening after lunch. We also had swimming class for the kids in the morning. I thought it was only an hour, but it was actually almost four hours. The most amazing thing is that I didn’t even realize my husband had woken up (I made him nap with me), and he even had to wake me up twice. The second time was really only needed because I hadn’t done my Asar prayer yet.
Ok, enough about my tiredness. I need to get on with a little self-project to reflect on the books I’m reading. I did one about Tentang Pilihan before. I didn’t finish that book yet, but I’m also reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck. There’s a topic that I would like to reflect further on, which is The Self-Awareness Onion.
The self-awareness onion is like that 5 Whys stuff, but more focused on your emotions and values, and maybe even beyond that. I guess if you focus your 5 Whys beyond the emotional level, then you’d probably get similar results.
I’ll go with this layering summed up by ChatGPT:
- Outer layer → situation/thoughts
- Middle layer → emotions/reactions
- Deeper layer → assumptions/values
- Core → identity/fear/ego
ChatGPT also suggested some points for reflection, and I decided to do this self-awareness practice on two things that have been bugging me for the longest time:
- Productivity and Rest
- Phone Scrolling and Escapism
Productivity and Rest – What kind of situations make me feel behind even though I have done enough?
I always feel like all my time has to be used productively. It’s a bit unfair though because I still need rest after working the whole day. For example, if I have a noon shift, then my morning will be free. I feel like I need to use that time to do productive things. If I don’t, I realize my mood for the day gets dragged down too. But then, if I worked a noon shift the day before, of course I’ll still be tired.
I start to feel restless and anxious — like I need to be using this time productively, just keep going. Sometimes I need to be on the phone to do these “tasks” and end up getting distracted by social media. Then I start counting how much time I’ve wasted that should’ve been spent elsewhere. I even have a list of things I can do stuck on the wall in my bedroom to remind me. Sometimes I actually do all of it and still don’t feel fulfilled or satisfied.
Now that we’re on this topic, I realized that I feel a lot better if I go to the gym. I can cook, be out and about, and generally feel more functional. The opposite happens when I don’t go to the gym. No matter what book I read or what chores I’ve done, the satisfaction I get from going to the gym somehow feels better. Funnily enough, my list of things to do doesn’t even include the gym. I simply thought those were the things to do if I didn’t go to the gym.
I’ve also gained more weight this past year, and now I’ve started to dissociate a bit from how I look. You know how sometimes you still feel like yourself with just a bit of extra weight? But now I’ve gained almost 20kg, and I’m having this epiphany that I am really, actually, fat. So probably this has been weighing on my mind more than I realized, and going to the gym makes me feel good because of that. Or maybe it’s simply the exercise and all those happy hormones etc etc etc.
So if we’re focusing on feeling “enough,” then my solution should be going to the gym, right? At least by being active, I’ll probably stop having this brain fog and can actually be productive, thus not feeling so guilty when resting.
If we go deeper I need to understand why am I afraid of not being productive. Well mostly I guess that I'm not doing enough to provide myself well when I'm old. I don't think I really care about comparing myself to others. If anything, I'm comparing if I'm not preparing enough. I don't really plan well in life. Just go with the flow. So if I don't do something productive I'm afraid I will let myself be comfortable and then really, really, not doing and let my life just passes. Then when I'm old, I'll be in dead trouble.
Ok, I’m not sure if I’m on the right track, but let’s peel more onions on the next topic.
Phone Scrolling and Escapism – Stopping the Doom Scrolling
I guess this part is pretty much related to the first one, but I want to address that addicting feeling that comes from doom scrolling. I usually do this when I want an escape. Usually after a tiring day, either physically or mentally. I just want to switch off my brain and go into nothingness wonderland.
It also makes me feel even more unproductive. I want to be able to switch to other things to entertain myself — reading, watching Netflix, cooking, doing chores, even the gym — but I still end up having the urge to doom scroll after. Especially after work, even though it’s already late.
I even feel like I can reward myself with doom scrolling after doing those other productive things, which were supposed to help me stop doom scrolling in the first place. This feels endless.
My guess for now is that it’s just addiction. There’s this dopamine detox stuff. I probably need that.
Hmmm, penatlah kupas bawang niii.
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