Covid-19 Diary (Part 7) - Nine Things in MCO

Covid-19 Diary (Part 7) - Nine Things in MCO

Jul 13, 2020

So, fun fact! All this quarantine has made me realize how much I have compromised in the name of "everyone has flaws and I am not perfect either". I was so eager to please peoples that it grows so tiring especially when I know these aren't the person I actually want to spend quarantine time together. Out of the many peoples at work, there are only a few that I truly feel bring me actual peace. Most of my actual good friends have been transferred and it was funny how I literally only have this one guy that I can actually call my friend at work. But oh my god, this stupid man is really testing my patience.

Anyway, I was actually a bit depressed with how tiring the past two weeks have been and also life, in general, itself but now I am feeling a bit better after drinking this goodness of a dalgona coffee that is seriously a godsend. 

Thank god for good food cause drugs and alcohol are self-destructive so that's a nope. Also, we went for a day trip to Pangkor the other and since it has become a duty-free island, there's a mart selling chocolates so now I have eleven packs of Kinder Buenos #chocolateislife.

Anyway, I am doing these updates on life in points as inspired by Ain Sofiyah's post but since focusing on how life has been as we live in this recovery phase.

#one - Staying true to myself

Spending more time with my colleagues during MCO has made me realized that I was compromising a lot and it gets a bit too much for me even when I reason with myself that "everyone has flaws and I ain't perfect either". I tried so hard to please peoples that it just tires me out physically and emotionally. I didn't even realize it until at one point I just got confused with how I acted and really did went "is that actually me?". It was astronomical how light my heart feels when I went out with my actual friends than when I am with my colleagues. There is a reason my I didn't call my colleagues as friends even though we were comfortable around each other like what "friends" look like. My colleagues weren't bad peoples. They just not my kind of peoples. Although there are some of them that actually bring me peace. Anyway, I just need to tone it down a little and be true to myself. I don't need to prove anything to anyone. I only need to hold myself against me.

#two - Spending more time outside

As we can now dine in a restaurant, my colleague had us went out to eat once per week and it has been going on strong for four weeks now. I think they might hold next week off since we went out twice this week. I also went out multiple times with my friends and we did a last-minute trip to Pangkor to celebrate our friend that will be transferring to Sabah. I also had a few days off to just spend time with my family. I believe in creating memories with peoples that you care and it does not have to be only the close ones. We live in a community so once in a while, we have to celebrate that. So, it was so good to have all these chances to bond with peoples around me.

#three - Anime and Netflix series

I bought Bungo Stray Dogs Season Two because Netflix only has season one and season three. Confusing huh? But it turns out that Netflix have recently updated their series and now have season two as well but I didn't even open the DVD plastic wrapper yet. Ruginya duit sobs. I am currently putting anime on hold because the only anime I really want to finish is Attack on Titan but that series is depressing af. I just started to watch Dark and I am so hooked up. Did I told you that I have finishes Curon? That was a good series although the plot feels a bit underdeveloped for me. Ju-On is having a series on Netflix too and I am excited!!! But since I'm a scaredy-cat, I will only watch it when I'm back at home with Nabila which has been dubbed as my Netflix partner.

#four - Skin

I have two more sessions left with Hannan Medispa which got halted due to MCO and finally did my last session last Saturday. It was a derma pen treatment and it leaves me with burning feeling afterward. Not to mention how painful it got as the numbing cream started to lose their effect. I got some skin purging afterward but it didn't last more than two days. However, since I am still wearing the mask all day long, there seems to be no end to acne popping around my chin and nose. What's worse is my skin is still healing from the derma pen treatment so I can only apply moisturizer and use Cetaphil. Acne patches didn't seem to be working at all. Apart from that, my skin has been healing well but it will take at least a month for me to see actual results. I've bought a washable cloth mask to minimize skin frictions as compared when I wore the usual 3-ply mask. My usual skin routine helps a lot to prevent acne due to wearing mask but I notice that it was only around the chin and nose area because those are my problematic zone. It tends to get oilier with more whitehead so now I'm researching skin routine that will help me cater to those issues. But for now, two more weeks to go with only moisturizer and Cetaphil.

#five - Car

My next car service is due next month and I think I needed to change my tires in about another three months. I've been planning on doing some stuff on my car as I have been religiously neglecting it far too long. But it seems like I was spending quite much so now I'm thinking to slow it down a bit. I have the worst money management ever. It feels good to actually care for my car. I always thought it was only going to be a means of transport to work and occasionally back home during the weekend but  I was wrong. I travel a lot with it so it needs much care too. I have never been fond of being a "car person" but this car is expensive af so might as well adopt a more caring attitude towards it.

#six - Writing and reading

 

I haven't done much reading after I finish 1Q84 last June. It took six months to finish it and I want to forget all about it and re-read it again! I just can't read something I have already read but I think I can re-read Kafka On The Shore as my memory about it has started to fade. It wasn't easy reading Murakami and it can get awfully confusing but there is something soothing in how he calmly tells his story and how he plays the theme of loneliness endearingly. I think I have three poetry books that I should really be reading and this one young adult fiction that I bought on impulse last October. I haven't been writing poems much but there is some consistency in my poetry account update. I wanted to write more diverse topics which means I need to give more effort in writing instead of my usual spur of the moment poems. 

#seven - Coffee

 

I don't know why did my coffee taste so bad these days. It gave out this bad burnt taste but it still tasted good if I made it into dalgona coffee. Still, it wasn't a feasible idea to make dalgona everyday plus I like hot coffee in the morning. Feeling annoyed, I succumb to my old-time choice 3 in 1 which is Coffeemix. It didn't have enough kick and I dare not add more coffee into it fearing I would get that bad burnt taste but I guess the nostalgic taste makes me feel good enough. I think I should really buy that cheap Pensonic coffeemaker.

#eight - Future?

I actually got such a good revelation during those depressing week. I can't really explain how it got me thinking like this but I realize I need to think about my future more seriously. Since I'm a contract worker and not attached to anyone romantically, I always feel like I am free and nothing can be held against me. What I didn't realize is that I can only live so free for so long. I need solid ground.  I used to feel so burdened thinking about what might happen or what might not happen or how bad the aftermath could be or if nothing will actually ever happen. Because of how stressful it was, I made myself to live day by day, enjoy the "now". It's not like I didn't bother about getting a permanent job at all but it was more on how I think too leisurely about it. But now, with this newfound realization, even with the littlest chances to get a new job anytime soon, it still makes me feel a bit grounded. Like I can feel that solid ground but not in a way that would stress me out. Also, I don't think future me will work in a hospital setting. MCO somehow made me realize that a hospital setting isn't something that I can do for years.

#nine - BTS

I just have to put this on the list as well. What's surprising is that BTS have so much content during the quarantine. We as a fandom are so blessed. They did a lot of Vlive and even going live on Youtube. I could not keep up at all. I usually watch these when I feel like watching something light and filled with goofiness. It always leaves me feeling all warm and nice. There are also new songs being released as well. I almost miss Stay Gold debut like I still haven't heard the new song by Jungkook. Stay Gold MV is so so beautiful and it just feels like the HYYH era but they are happy and more matured. I don't how the heck I got into this mess. I don't do fandom but here I am. 

This post took three days to finish. At that time I've worked for two nights (I was doing the weekend shift) which means I got sleep-deprived. Plus I still have that lingering depressing feeling from the past two weeks that makes me feel so tired and just done with almost everybody. But I make a point earlier before the shift started that I need to chill. 

I was blessed that my working partner was this loving senior staff that I should really be calling makcik instead of kak lol. I was so comfortable with her. We talked about random kinds of stuff like grumbling about my housemates and how annoying that we got rats in our house. I also did some cleaning around the house because cleaning always calms me. This post was also written to keep me grounded. I made more dalgona coffee that tasted creamy and fuzzy and I also bake a cake that I took to work today. Did I mention I got a good sleep last night? It was amazing after not sleeping properly for two nights! 

I also went out with my friend yesterday and talked like nobody business. I told her how depressing it feels for the past two weeks and speaking it out loud actually helps me to confront it better. I was just tired and feel a bit gloomy but it wasn't the end of the world. It was so good that I was stationed to filling section as the week starts today which means I didn't have to bother about prescriptions, doctors, and patients plus the walking around is good for my body too. I also surround myself with peoples that gives me a good vibe and we talked about random things and make stupid funny remarks. I am so happy to tell you guys that I'm feeling so good. 

P/S - We have free ice-cream in the fridge too!

What's Been Going On Lately - Pharmacist Version

What's Been Going On Lately - Pharmacist Version

Mar 3, 2020

I wanted so badly to write but I don't want to be writing factual-ish stuff. I want to ramble. So here I am, rambling. I am going to talk about how my days have been and I wanted to slightly highlight my work just to remind myself that this is the major part of my life now.

In numbers, my life was rather simple. I'm a staff at outpatient which means the counter where you took your medicine. There are a whole lot of stuffs happening behind that counter. I worked 8 to 5 shift unless if I have an evening shift which means until 10pm. It's usually about once or twice per month. I'll usually have one weekend-shift per month and about one or two night-shift (10pm to 8am) on weekdays.  We are a small district hospital with only one specialist - a psychiatrist. We still have other clinics with a specialist but those specialists are visiting ones. We received around 150 to almost 300 patients per day (the higher ends being during clinic days). I took care of this service called Collect n Go (someplace called it Kad Temujanji) and some medicines supply. That's pretty much it.

WORK AND WORKMATES

Work has been mundane but I tried to do more things daily just to get the gear moving. We've been having insulin stock problems for weeks so now we got busy on counseling patients to use syringes instead since the only stock we manage to get our hands on were of a different brand from the insulin pen we're using. Complicated huh? Imagine needing to explain those. Apart from that, there this problem where my patience with these stuck-up MO's got really thin. I hardly got much respect for them anymore. I should really start to look for a new job before my contract ends though.

Most importantly, I am so grateful that I got some good friends here. It was fun. I didn't realize since when but I make this mental image that today's going to be a good day because I got to meet my friends. I could really be myself joking around and singing nonsense. I put on a good make-up look today and incessantly tell everyone I'm pretty and the annoyed looks are so worth it. We're going bowling tomorrow!

Not to forget my friends from PRP-ship as well. These are even better. These are the true warrior of the last-minute plan and an awful lot of good times. Sometimes I do feel weird that these bonds can simply be put into jeopardy once we got married. It was so silly isn't it?

READING AND POETRY

I couldn't find my IQ84 for the whole last week and it turns out I left it at home. Reading has been so slow since I'm determined to finish this damn thick fellow first. Plus, I've been putting it away because Murakami's work needs a whole lot of attention and being tired after work the whole day isn't really conducive. I find myself sometimes missing the serene calmness that came from reading the book. It was a good feeling thing to feel such wanton. #lol

I can hardly write any poetry too. I can't bring myself to focus on the whole process. I miss writing poetry so bad. 

ANIME, TV SERIES AND MOVIES

I tried to watch more award-winning movies. It's been a while. These movies are usually rather heavy and for the past year I have opted out "heavy movies" and choose to watch simpler ones. Action-packed and horror are my usual go-to. It seems that these deep and intriguing movies had won my attention once again and I managed to watch 1917, Jojo Rabbit and the so overdue Us. So good, highly recommended. 

I made myself marathoning Kimetsu No Yaiba. Turns out the story picks up once more characters were introduced which happened mid-season. Now I'm eager for a new season. There is this anime called "Fugou Keiji: Balance: UNLIMITED" which looks good. Not sure when I'm going to start watching it though. 

As for tv-series, I'm only watching Brooklyn 99 and only now got to the fourth season. The second season of Diableros and Chilling Adventure of Sabrina has been up. However, I only watched the first episode halfway through and just don't feel like committing. Altered Carbon still catches my attention but not having Joel Kinnaman as Takeshi Kovacs just brings a totally different dynamic. Anthony Mackie is good but it feels so different. The anger and the playfulness are different and thus a different Altered Carbon. I'm glad that we still have Poe.

SKIN CARE AND MAKE-UP

My  skin has been good to me. Although the need to always wear a mask has been a constant threat for jaw's acne but apart from that. I am quite good. Speaking of mask, please take a good care of yourself to make sure you don't get infected with COVID-19. The infected cases in Malaysia almost double in the span of three days! KKM is doing a good job at contact tracing. 

I mostly stayed with the basics these days - double cleansing, toner, moisturizer and serum. It has been a while since I wore a sheet mask. I tried to wear make-up more frequently which is mostly due to guilt that I have these stuffs but not wearing it. I tried to keep it simple to motivate me to be consistent. I love playing with eyeshadow! I still have two more sessions with Hannan Medispa. I wanted my skin turnover to be complete first so I'm planning to do my next session at least by the end of the month.

I think this is it. There some other random stuff I wanted to highlight but don't really belong anywhere.

1. I want to do a massage so badly but I want to buy so many things this month plus I just had the car serviced. 
2. I NEED TO DISCONTINUE MY CREDIT CARD. I only really need it to buy blog's theme at Etsy and to book a place at Airbnb. 
3. I love BTS's new album! ON is so good and I am so happy that it has a dance break as well. Everyone looks so good too.
4. I tried to shampoo and conditioned my hair more frequently now. I guess it won't hurt much since the products I use is so gentle and I'm getting better with hair care too. Let see what will happen.
5. My tudung bawal haven't been cooperating well these days and I just don't know why.

Last but not least -

My Mind Is So Loud

My Mind Is So Loud

Jan 13, 2020

To be honest, I'm not really sure what to write. There are lots of stuff in my head right now and it has been this crowded for weeks. I can't focus. That was why I hardly update my blog lately. I've been going out quite frequently and whenever I got time to myself, I feel this need to scroll something on phone or watch Netflix. I can't focus to chill or read or write. My mind just won't be at peace.

I notice that I keep on putting it away, not really trying to understand and address it. I realize that it has now occupied me. I'm just not at ease. I'm either feeling this void that I need to feel or utter excitement. That is what so weird about it. I am not sad or wistful, I'm just in this void of feelings which awfully needs an active distraction. It wasn't bad but I guess keeping myself busy with stuff wasn't really my way of coping. Writing it does. So now let me spill everything out!

First of all, I've been feeling lost in my work. It grows mundane. Going in and out. I need to try and do more and I just got this idea to work on a mini-project that I hope can be useful for my colleagues as well. What's amazing is that this mini-project will make me read more and learn. Learning is a powerful thing to do and I hope it will make me sharp and the satisfaction will encourage me to do more.

Secondly, I need to address how my circle of friends at work has been a great wonder. I'm proud of the bond we have created which was created rather unexpectedly. I keep on thinking how lucky I was. If I didn't try to open up more, if I didn't try to get out of my comfort cocoon, if I didn't try to just do everything however spontaneous, we might have not created this strong of a bond. It was so precious since I never thought we could work this kind of friendship here at work. Especially when I have been feeling that I am alone with no one to click with since forever. Just last Monday I meet up with some friends from PKD just to chill after two of them got their contract result. They didn't get a permanent post as well. I am happy that we can be there for each other's support. While last Friday we went to try a new place here and one of my friends (who is quite childish) insisted that only our "gang" should go so she made us keep our lunch date a secret. It was so stupid but I got along with it and then it ended up with me not sharing that delicious nasi arab review on my Instagram #lol

Oh ya! I've been Instagramming! It didn't feel as suffocated as it does before. I guess it was because I wanted to earnestly know what has been happening with my friends and also just to have some other form of interaction with my colleagues as well. I made the most random stories and although it does leave this nagging feeling that I am oversharing but I just shut that voice up and focus on how good I was feeling. But I really do need to cut out socmeds since I have been using it to shut out how loud my mind was being. It was so loud that I can't focus on reading.

I can't focus on my reading! I have started 2020 with IQ48. The book is 1157 pages thick with the smallest print ever. But as usual, Murakami's work always sends me to my warmest escape and it is just so addicting. But if I can't just chill, I won't ever finish it.

I can't focus on writing poetry too! I want to write so badly. Sometimes the urge comes and the words feel so close but when I got my pen and paper, I just can't work it through. It was so damn annoying and frustrating.

It also messes my sleep. My body got tired but I can't just go and sleep. I always feel all worked up and even though I made myself leave my phone and just closes my eyes, I can just simply go to sleep. I usually got my most decent sleep at home and now I can't wait to go home so I can catch my sleep. I keep on waking up late this week and having my periods just make it worse. 

The next thing to address is I am now a skincare freak. I spent quite a lot this month on skincare products and I am due for peeling treatment tomorrow. Skincare is expensive and I also bought some for my sisters and I still keep on spending. I need to share my haul during Watson's cosmetics sale and the just recently ended Guardian's 40% discount on skincare products. I'm now officially stopping experimenting and will keep on using a range of products for my daily routine. I am so excited to share it but it won't ever be shared if I didn't pull myself together. #ripmoney

I have finally changed my cracked windscreen and also put a new tint film on both windscreens and rear window glass. That is some serious money as well but it does make me feel so good. I just can't get enough of my car #lol. I'm sorry for being this annoying but for god sake, I have been living with the cracked glass for monthssssssssssssssssss. It feels good cause I feel like I'm finally being a responsible car owner. I'm eyeing this cool gray car's carpet but that will have to wait because my cracked phone is due for repair. I got a feeling that I will make it cracked again so I'm putting it behind until February's paycheck. It's funny how the horrendous crack on my phone doesn't really bother me.

I really need to plan my money well.

Oh ya, I think I also need to address my crush. My on and off crush and now slightly on but not so on oh my god whatever. I understand that it is just a mere crush but I like how giddy it makes me feel. So I'm going to revel in it for a while. 

Lastly, two of my friends are most likely to moves out to a new place. It wasn't official yet but we have strong reasons that their application will be approved. This has been bugging me for the last two weeks. I'm trying so hard to be chill about it. It wasn't easy since both of them were my housemates. Not only I'm going to miss their company but I'm also loving my current rented house. I ain't paying the whole house rent alone, for sure. I'm still indecisive to either stay for a month with the reduced rent (our landlord was so nice to cut the rent until I got new housemates) and sees if I can get new housemates or just moves out to a new place that rent out per room. The chances of getting a new housemate are slim to none though. Not to mention staying alone in this house could be awfully boring. 

I hope I have written everything down. 

I actually got the whole week off so let's hope the comfort of my home will do wonders.

How Are You?

How Are You?

Oct 6, 2019

I ate cereals and milk at my night shift the other day because I always got hungry and my milk is nearing expiry. We even have plastic bowls. This is written way before it was published.

So, how are you?

Let's get real, how are you? 

By "how are you' I really mean - How are you feeling these days? Is there anything fun you just did? What was the last book you read or the last movie you watched? Did you get sick recently? How did you feel waking up this morning? Is tomorrow exciting? How's your favorite celebrity is doing? How are your parents? Is there anything bothering you? Are you tired? Is the last meal you ate is good? 

Can you answer all of my questions? If you can, how are you feeling right now? If you can't, what question and why?

Those are the things that just struck me when I was looking through my own life so that I can figure out what will be the relevant questions to ask and thus so that I can understand "how are you" really is.

As for me, I'm currently doing my night shift and there isn't much patient. Probably because of the rain. So now I'm writing while eating my cereals, with milk, from a plastic bowl.  I just knew the day before, that I didn't get a permanent placement as a pharmacist in the government hospital. So, unless I got another job, I'll be jobless exactly one year from now. 

Yesterday, my colleagues randomly plan to go shopping for these cute baju kurung at this cheap shop so now I got one new pair of baju kurung and two new scarves. I wore one of the scarves right now. We even went to dinner together afterward eating my favorite food, chicken rice.

It was funny because I am devastated for not getting the permanent placement but at the same time, I just can't really get sad or mad because it was something that we all have been expecting for the longest time. Yet, a sliver of hope is cruel. Still, I just finished shopping and hanging out with my colleagues which is quite something. I watched A Star is Born a few days before and finished Ilusaniti last two days. These are two things that shouldn't happen in close proximity.

Today's update - we wore the baju kurung today and took some photos. It was fun until the staff asks me to go a little bit behind so that I will look slimmer. She means well but shit hurts you know.

What I want to say here is that, are you aware of what really been happening in your life lately? Is it good? I'm not asking it to be good as in "you did something for the world" but just, is it good enough for you? Count the blessing, even the littlest one, and if it doesn't feel enough, why? This isn't a motivational call to help you become the best etc, etc, this is just something you need to be aware of.

I've worked exactly two years now and I realized that everything gets mundane one day. It wasn't really a bad thing cause what we're doing now is essential for the nation's health and for that, I'm proud of what I'm doing. I'm glad that my work doesn't bother me after working hours and the mundane of it made it easier to just go to work, focus and just leave it once the clock hits 5. I still got time to read, write and spend a leisure weekend. 

Reading that about me what do you think about yours? I love this part of myself. Where I notices these things and how it affects me and what I needed to do if I need to do anything. Even when I can't do anything, I can at least, figure out what I can do to just make it bearable. Sometimes, acknwoledging those feeling is good enough.

What Do I Understand About Self Love

What Do I Understand About Self Love

Aug 24, 2019

Maybe I'll read a book about self-love one day. I got the rough idea what self-love is but to learn more is also important plus this term is coined during the era of information technology and globalization so Googling it makes sense. Also, I hate most self-help book.

By the way, this is going to be long and all over but I love it so much.

If you Googled the definition of self'-love, it will state the meaning to be - regard's for one own well being and happiness. The source was Oxford. I looked into Urban Dictionary as well because we are so 21st century that way and it states that it means - to unconditionally spoil, value yourself and accept your self-worth. Putting yourself first so you can grow externally and internally for YOU. It’s a value that shows and symbolizes how much you appreciate and accepts who you are and not who you’re told to be.

Urban Dictionary got it beautifully done, isn't it?

It's funny that I choose to write this at this very exact moment because someone I know close just got into an anger rampage on the most menial stuff (he has the worst anger issue) and made a very stupid decision. I think he thought it will be satisfying because he thought the decision will affect those he got mad for but then no one actually got affected. Everyone knows well about his temper that no one actually cares anymore so now the one actually got affected is only himself. His ego is what hindering him from accepting that he got some serious anger issue. This is one of the main reason why I choose consciously to control my own ego. 

I don't want to end up like him and that is me loving myself more.

He actually knows that this in turns making his life depressing but instead of admitting he needs to change, he blames others. He can choose not to let his anger get the best of him, not to let things creep into him so that he can live better. He needs to choose better. In the end, the choice is for him. The choice is because he loves himself and for me, that is one important factor why empowering self-love is important. It was for the most important person - you.

Psychology Today (a magazine publisher of the same name based in New York and had articles written by actual psychologists and academics) had this beautiful article about self-love. Read it here to learn about their advice on how to achieve self-love. What intrigues me is that actions - be mindful, practice self-care, know your limits, forgive yourself and the very way you choose to live your life is not how self-love works but having loving yourself more is what affect these choices. This in turns makes you feel better and empowers you to be better. In turns, when you do more, you'll feel even better about yourself and it helps you to love yourself even more.

Self-love is dynamic.

There's another article from mindbodygreen.com. This is a website that focuses on those holistic approaches which also includes astrology that I usually steer away from but I like the steps that they shared. I realized that I did most of them and those steps make me feel a whole lot better but I only decided to do it when I start to choose things for the sake of I love myself more.

Out of the 10 approaches, I realized I did seven of it which is

1. creating a self-love ritual
2. an inner understanding "what's working for me" list,
3. clean out my closet, no more comparison
4. explore my spirituality
5. do something I good at
6. build my letting go muscle.

They state that these steps are what helps you to achieve self-love but for me, I will have a hard time really makes an outcome out of it if I don't love myself first. I think it was about a year before I can confidently say that I got to be able to all those seven things. Yup, self-love takes time.

Realizing your worth is what will help you to fuel all those actions and motivates you to do more but at the same time, when you love yourself more, doing all those actions might not be needed. That the way to love yourself doesn't mean the same for everyone. Yet, it is also important to not be affected by how people choose their way of loving themselves such that you think you're not doing good enough. Loving yourself means to know your limits and to respect those limits.

What you do now is enough and by time you'll hone your self-love spirit enough to power you to do that next step. The time will come accordingly.

However, I do believe, to care for your physical well-being is mandatory. You don't actually need to be super strict with your diet or a fitness enthusiast but you still need to watch what you eat and live an active life. This opinion of mine is heavily influenced by the book "Ikigai" actually. Their lifestyle just makes sense.

The funny thing is, these choices that I did, I only did it because it makes me feel better. I keep on choosing things that will make me feel better. When did I realize that what I practice is actually self-love? It was BTS. Yup, that k-pop group.

They were promoting their Love Yourself series but I never really put much attention to it. Even though I keep making these choices that make me feel better, there is still this nagging question in me - am I even worth for all the self-love thing everyone been talking about? I just thought I wasn't at the stage to think that self-love is anything applied to me. Not until they released a song called Epiphany. I never knew. That was when I made myself really question self-love.

The Epiphany in the song is about how the singer finally realized he actually need to choose to love himself first. That even though he might be flawed, he still worth to be loved. There's actually a longer backstory to it but the lyrics itself is so beautiful.

The song Paradise also made a profound impact on me.

My Greatest Weakness

My Greatest Weakness

Aug 16, 2019

I have two, very prominent trait, which I deemed both as my greatest weakness. I know using "the" implies that one most thing, but in this case, I still wanted to use these two traits because it was obnoxiously opposing.

I am an egoistical person but at the same time, I am very self-conscious.

The irony here is that I always mitigate my self-consciousness by reasoning with my ego such that no one can touch me. 

Here's a case study - I always thought myself as the not pretty one. I have lots of acne scars (the fair skin in my Twitter is make-up, in case nobody believes me) and to add that up, I gained so much weight this past year so now I was like "I am gemuk and tak cantik". Save that petty talk "everyone is pretty" because everyone knows it is only true up until a point. Those petty talk never helps me when I always avoid long eye contact because "they will make comment about acne" or "to sit up straight and choose loose clothing" so that the didn't point out those flabby stomachs. People are cruel. They never thought they are because "it is a joke" and "I'm a concerned stranger" are apparently the license you needed to point of flaws. 

But I am a well taught, 21st-century millennials with 90's childhood plus a hint of gen-z spice, I know I shouldn't feel this way. 

I realize being ego make it easier for me to fuel my idgaf soul which in turn helps me to not wallow myself in pity. The problem is that I am an egotistical person first before I realized that this self-assurance came from my ego side. It has helped me tremendously to not become too immersed in other people opinions of me but at the same time I keep on qiestioning myself "did I just fuel my ego side this way?". I have realized I am such an egotistical person since matriculation and have since then talk myself out consciously to admit openly when I made a mistake or when I don't know things.

I'm not sure if these are weaknesses but I really spent too much time reasoning with myself about this. Like how people taught of my appearance daily or how desperately I try to hide when I don't know stuff at work so that I'll not be looked down or how it is so hard for me to ask help from others. I'm pretty self sufficient so that's a plus lol.

I'm pretty sure many people experience these but since I am so self-aware with my emotional state, I just over analyse everything.

Put that up too, overanalyse everything~

Life Lately and A Quick Mental Health Check

Life Lately and A Quick Mental Health Check

Jul 17, 2019

This post is a TMI but feel free to read and share an insight.

It has only been the 17th of July but god, July already feels like forever. I got the entire first week of July to myself. I didn't have anything much planned for the week and yes I'm rather bored to be staying at home doing nothing. But I still take the week off.

Why I take it? Because I can. Plus, it's a good week to use up my "cuti". 

I spent 1st of July joining a fun run and the day after going to two open houses hosted by my colleagues. I even manage to went with a friend of mine that I hardly get to meet and spend like two hours chatting (gossiping will be more accurate tbh). 

I finally went to Hannan Medispa at my hometown, did that Janus machine skin analysis and did a treatment. I actually bought a package and to my surprise, it is far cheaper than Dr. Ko's. I'll do a review once I did at least four sessions of treatments.

My aunt was at my home so it was good catching up with her as well and of course eating all the delicious foods she cooked. The week ended with a one and a half day Pharmacy Conference that I went with my UKM friends. I even get to meet an old colleague that has moves out last March plus another UKM friend as well. The best would be that I  made them eat at Muhammad Chan because "I feel like eating actual Chinese foods". Really good foods but we didn't order much Chinese menu so like what even afifah?

Did I mention how stupid I feel to be in that conference given by all top healthcare professionals in Malaysia? It was the most bilis moment ever.

It was fulfilling and I daresay a quite productive weekend. It feels good to be able to do these but I wasn't feeling ecstatic or anything. It was just good. I did this kind of update for April and I remember feeling so good about it but I wasn't feeling it as much this time around. I'm very much thankful for it but honestly speaking, I only remember feeling so tired the week after. Probably because I need to catch up on my work. 

I went home again last weekend because my sister got a bad case of rashes that itches all over her body. I was so ready to sleep the weekend but being a good sister that I am, I went home. We don't even know what could possibly trigger it. She is good. Got a shot though, which I predicted she will so it was funny.

Now this is where everything went even downhill.

My dad borrowed my car and get into an accident. No one was hurt and the car can still move but the bumper got a deep dent and scratches a deep straight line on the driver's side. My dad went home instead of doing a police report right away and I guess he was still in shock that we only do something two days after. 

If he wasn't involved, I'll just settle it myself. It's difficult to explain but since he did it, it's his thing too and if you know my dad, you would know he wants to settle everything himself, his way. But he wasn't being one in this case and it was just too much for me. I can't push him much because I know he needs time and even though I was either on the verge of going mad or bursting in tears, I tried my best to show that I am all sunshine and rainbow so that he won't feel bad.  It was the worst two days ever.

I was so overwhelmed. Not only the car made me feel that way, but it was also me being mad at myself for being this way. At one point I tried so hard to not feels this horrible and just be redha and at one point I was venting so bad at my sister just so I can feel something other than this horrible battle of judgment on what I should feel. I wasn't questioning why this happen to me but I was questioning why can't I make peace with this? Why did I let it bothers me this much? Why am I feeling this way anyway? Why can't this feeling go away? Am I a bad daughter? a bad human?

I made myself sleep just to pass the time and hope my dad will come to his sense and I remember just making myself made a proper duaa but only ended up saying I'm tired. It was only for two days but I got so tired that I went to sleep so early for two nights after. I don't even do anything. I want desperately for this to get this behind and writing usually does it but I can't even make myself to write. I already had my hand on the keyboard and I just switch everything off.

We were having a birthday party today and to my surprise, it was just the thing I need. I guess it helps to clean that short dark moment. It was so stupid actually. It was planned because there are plenty of us that were born in July. They never throw a birthday party at the pharmacy and everyone was like "lamanya takda birthday party untuk diri sendiri". We pull out some money and bought nasi lemak and ayam berempah. They make a makeshift photo booth that barely holds and bought a fancy cake with that fancy firework birthday candle. There's a lot of other good food too.

I'm not sure why but this party is a good one. Was it because it relieved me from my mini-meltdown? or was it just that good of a thing? I read somewhere that it is good to have something good to expect from a day to make it more fun. Or was it because I got that more than enough two nights sleeps? Probably because I had two cups of coffee as well. I don't know the exact science. It will be good if I know it.

Anyway, did you see how much I have spent by this time? I'm practically broke.

Did you know that Guardian has a 40% off on skincare products the other day? That happens too and that's another haul that I did which I wanted to update here but well, I still didn't.

What's the last thing about your mental health that you realized? It can be a good one of course.

About Always Being Anxious and How I Cope

About Always Being Anxious and How I Cope

May 22, 2019

First of all, all of us have some extent of anxiety. It's called being human. So I invite you to read this to just shed some light together with me. I'm also learning by writing this.

Secondly, this post is not in any way to help you diagnosed if you have anxiety (or GAD, we'll go about that later). We have doctors for that. My formal education of this topic is from my pharmacy years and gosh, these medications are damn expensive.

Silver Lining Playbook is currently my most favorite movie that shows psychological disorder.
 I am in love with Jennifer Lawrence acting in it. She is perfect!

What is anxiety?

According to Oxford Dictionary, anxiety means, state of feeling nervous or worried that something bad is going to happen. A simple worrying but it can turn worst and become an actual disease.

According to Anxiety and Depression Disorder of America, it is categorized under a psychological disease namely Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It is a persistent, excessive, uncontrollable and unrealistic worry about an everyday thing. Basically, think of something that worries you (common anxiety) but imagines you worrying about it for like a hundred folds more intense. It is a crippling thing and we usually worry about a lot of things - debts, study, partners, physical appearances, etc, etc, but those who suffer GAD really be worrying overtly over all these things. They might spend about three to ten hours daily worrying and it is usually accompanied by symptoms like restlessness, fatigues, difficulty in concentrating and disturbed sleep. It must also happen for at least six months but a more detailed background history is needed before a person is diagnosed to be having GAD.

Why did I suddenly want to write about this?

If you guys read my "It Has Been" series, you would notice that I have experienced to some extent on symptoms of GAD. It wasn't for hours on end but just a little more than I usually have - probably about a solid one to two hours daily. 

I have trouble sleeping and when I do, I got nightmares. I keep on thinking "what if I can't do this" and "what does everyone thinks about me" and generally question myself non-stop. I don't want to go to work. I don't even want to meet anybody at work. These worrying stresses me out and I start to get the worst acne breakout ever (I wrote about that also in HERE). The most difficult thing is that I am always sure of myself and proudly so. To question myself like that is an alien thing for me to be feeling. I  was so confused with my feelings and desperately brushes it off like it is something that can simply be gone but days turns to weeks and I don't want it to be months.

That is when I started to really dedicate myself to write those posts in "It Has Been Series" and from there it helps me to understand myself better and be consciously doing things that can make me feel better. I mostly read stuff online and trying to make sense of things that can help me. 

So what did I do?

The first step in solving a problem is to first identify the problems. It is also how Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT, the kind of therapy that mental disorder therapist uses in their sessions) kinda works out. I remember realizing the extent of my anxiety when I went into this rambling with a friend of mine. It was so stupid. I knew that I feel all these negative things but when I talked it out with her, trying to voice out what I was feeling, I then realize that I have quite an issue. But this first step was only done like halfway after I tried to do something with my anxiety.

Why halfway?

Because I didn't acknowledge that I was being too anxious. I know I was feeling shitty and thought that I just need to fix my way of living at the moment. I focused on doing things that make my life more scheduled. Somewhat more organized and responsible. 

So the first step that I did but turns out it should be the second step is to focus on having a daily, stable, morning routine. I always knew a good morning routine makes me feel better and more focused during lectures. Earlier, I read how peoples do morning exercises, listening to podcast, yoga, good hearty breakfast and thought that I should really try those. 

It is hard! 

To even wake up early when I have trouble sleeping is hard enough. I then settled to how I did it during my degrees - to have a lazy getting ready in the morning (I do everything slowly) and slowly sipping my coffee (I dedicated at least 20 minutes to slowly sips the coffee, it wasn't even hot anymore).

Remember, just do it how you like it. You don't have to feel pressured and do what most peoples do. Baby steps!

It was good. I kinda calm myself well and that brings us to my third step which is to picture the worst and be done with it. That morning routine forces me to deal with the lingering anxiousness of me that " I don't want to go to work". It is somewhat the kind of approach done in CBT. I try to really picture the "what if" that got me so restless and then how to solve it and if it can't be solved, then there really is nothing that I can do about it. I just need to let it go. It wasn't easy but I got somehow repeat that way of thinking for some time and before I realize it, I got back to the way how I used to be so sure of myself. I trained myself daily to have that thought and since I did it daily, it clicks! The hard part is accepting that you can't control everything and the next step is to just face it. 

The first and third step is how CBT works around patient but with more professionalism, calculated and goal oriented. Actually, if the GAD wasn't too serious, CBT should be done first and only if it didn't work that medicines are given. Actually, psychiatric medicines are tricky and can give the opposite effect if it wasn't handled correctly. The more you know huh?

The fourth step still revolves around the idea of me having a more responsible way of living. Since I want to wake up early, I need to sleep early first. Plus, all the articles say that in order to fix your sleeping schedule, I just need to practice a good sleeping schedule. It was such a what the fuck realization. Basically, I need to train my body to sleep at the same time every day. It is also important not to sleep back after Subh prayer. 

I tried all sort of things to help me sleep. For sometimes, I put on earbuds. My place is so damn quiet but the earbuds kinda give that no sensory feelings and that somehow calms me down and helps me to sleep. I tried chamomile tea and hates it. Maybe I should buy a different brand. That "relaxing music to helps you sleeps" actually annoys me. The trick is to clear your head and stop thinking about things and eventually I'll drift off. I am now trained to always sleep by 12 and to never sleep after Subh. I usually wake up around 6.15 or 6.30 am.

such a bunyyy

The fifth step is, I seek treatment for my acne. This is important to me because the acne starts to weigh me down. Healing from acne takes months but the fact that I did something gave a sense of accomplishment and calms me because now I know I will get rid of those.

My most favorite step, the sixth step, that is essential to help me to sleep is to clear my head. I think this is quite a stupid thing like "what do you mean to just clear your head" but I really did. It is a skill that I did train myself to be. It is not the same as just deleting all my anxiousness but I can to some extent make my brain stop thinking about things.

I developed this skill (?) when I tried meditation. I forgot the name of the apps but you can simply download any meditation apps that have a free trial of meditation guides that you can try. I did one that has a span of one week and I choose one to help me to sleep. The soothing voice guides will prompt you to not think about anything and focus on breathing and etc. The meditation itself is not really helpful to me because it makes me kinda all worked up. But I realize I can clear my head and that soothes me enough to lull me to sleep. It also helps if something come out and just triggers me. I can stop thinking about it for a while and that is usually enough to calm me.

The last and most important step is writing. I am so tuned with myself due to my writing experiences. My blog and poems to be exact. No matter if it is a good or a bad thing, writing about it helps me to understand myself better and I always love how I can words out what I feel. It was like knowing myself all over again. It also serves as a healthy way to vent. Writing it out always helps me to think better and generally feel better. It is my own kind of therapy. Many articles suggest writing as a way to manage emotions better. You don't have to write well, just write anything and everything. You can simply write a daily journal and you might feel clueless at first but just write anything that happens today and how you feel about it. Eventually, you will find yourself writing even more. I understand that writing isn't for everyone.

I actually wrote something like this before, just click HERE. Lemme tell you one thing, I didn't read that post until after I finish writing this one. The tips are more so the same. Good to know that I have a consistent ass.

and we are done!

I am feeling much better now. It has been since my PRP almost coming to an end. It was good timing too because I need to hustle more at the moment so it was good not having my anxiety weighing me down. Most importantly, all of those has build an an Afifah that is more confident with herself. I get my old self back and learn one important thing - I'll do what I want and no one can affects me.

So tell me, did you ever experince such anxiety and what did you do? What are your opinions on how I cope?

i slept for three hours, it´s raining and food

i slept for three hours, it´s raining and food

Apr 30, 2019

I've been feeling shitty for some times now and it wasn't even because of PMS. At one point, I stopped bothering about dieting and exercising and just eat whatever I feel like eating. To tell you the truth, I don't feel like eating much but I always crave for rice at lunch so there´s one. About a week ago, I randomly told my friend that I´m going on a three-hour drives to Seremban and was wondering if she wants to hang out. I don´t even mind if she´s free, I just want to do something and feel something. I was feeling so empty. If you read this, thanks for suggesting the sea. 

I still feels so empty. Also, I have realized that I love the sea and museums. 

Self-care is good. To be honest, the little exercise I did earlier this month has done wonders to my mental health. I didn't feel as troubled or anxious. My body tires out so I got better sleep. Going to work is actually fun. But suddenly everything just turns sour. It kinda scares me. I just feels so gloomy and tired. I start to feel horrible cause I´m either just don't feel like it or too tired.

I went home last weekend and I wanted to paint the walls (I have delayed this plan for almost four months). We finished on Sunday morning and I got some spare time before I went back to my place in the afternoon. I was thinking to take a nap but I just can´t. There are too many things going through my head and it was mostly due to me being all sluggish and tired and don't want to do anything and that I should be doing "things" instead of taking a nap. It was at that point I realized that this has been going on for some times as well and that´s why I kept on scrolling 9gag until late at night cause even though I'm tired, I just can't sleep.

We had lunch and I take that "feeling so full I´m sleepy now" opportunity to take a nap. It's a weekend. I needed that nap with all the funny sleeping schedule I have been on. I started to have some pimples that keep on reappearing after it heals. The only thing that triggers my acne is stress. I shouldn´t even feel any stress right now. 

I'm just feeling so empty. But I'm still functioning. I made myself go out to eat my friends and colleagues. It didn´t really make me feel any better but I do feel like I have accomplished something. I have a fun run tomorrow and it was my first time joining a run. Again, I'm feeling like I'm achieving something which is kinda a nice feeling. 

I did my night shift last night and manage to snuck about three hours sleep. Before that, I have scrolled Instagram and 9gag just so that I didn't have to think about how my life has been. There wasn´t much patient and I should be spending the time being productive but I just don´t want to read something to achieve my tbr or write something to finish NaPoWriMo challenge. 

You know that slight rush you get in the morning when you didn't get enough sleep. That´s me right now. I bought McD's cappuccino and porridge and with the help of that rush, I made myself write this. I need to write this out.

It's a really confusing time to live. I live alone but still manage to spend so much. I wanted to be healthier and while it was a fun thing to do for sure, it isn´t anything much when I keep feeling tired and sluggish. I want to be alone but I don't want to feel lonely. I can´t keep calm somehow. I feel like I always need to do something even when I´m tired or like now, when I don´t feel like doing anything. But sometimes I'll feel like nothing really matter. All these things didn´t matter. 

No one understands me and at this point, I don't understand me either.

I don't know. The only thing that makes sense now is that if I feel hungry, I'll eat. Try to sleep at least by 12 am. Coffee in the morning is sacred. Try to put on a decent look every day (that means no tudung sarung). Keep on cleaning my face and put spot treatments. Do laundry. Repeat.

tried some sarawak foods. i like mee kolok.

all the nasi goreng have weird names but it is still some nasi goreng only
but the akak really cooks well.

Talking About Feelings and Being Free

Talking About Feelings and Being Free

Feb 21, 2019

I've been into multiple cars and motorcycles accidents - both with or without a second party and caused or not caused by me. The worst physical wound I got is some scratches that leave the faintest mark of scars but there are two occasions where the wrecked cars are condemned a "total lost".

The last car accident I've been, about three or four years ago, was caused by me and I went into this really depressing mode. This accident particularly hits me deep. Probably because the fact that I cause it and the car got totaled, probably because my friends were also in the car and I don't think I'll ever say sorry enough and it was also probably because walid wasn't there to take care of things. Or maybe it was cumulative of it. There are some things I remember so well and surprisingly, it wasn't the accident itself.

I remember I cried and I only did because I trusted that friend (she is a kind soul that way). I remember that she admits she was a bit clueless initially because she didn't expect me to cry. I never thought that I gave out that "no crying kind of person" vibes.

I remember feeling so depressed that one day I just hop into a bus, wander aimlessly, end up in a mosque and just sits there.

I remember my aunts were so shocked and went to visit at UKM and I remember that I gave out the most reassuring smiles and faintly, just so faintly, imagines, if mak was still alive, will I worries her this much too?

Then I remember when my housemates and I were going out, and one of them was asking for me to drive and she asked it with the most natural way that I didn't actually "totaled" a car a few weeks before. I drove that day and it feels so good.

Those moments holds some of the most important feelings I have ever experienced in my life and one most powerful emotion particularly is fear.

If there is one thing that I learned from all those accidents is that - fear is a really overpowering feeling and that I fear of having to relive those fear again. Yet at the same, knowing fear that close has also made me realize just how strong and capable I can be.

I know I can't ride a motorcycle as fast as I did before and I don't have any problem admitting that I was traumatized but I still ride. I still don't mind the long travel as well and even with the slight fear still pulsing in me when I ride, it's kind of okay. 

I got a bit nervous driving walid's Innova (since it's bigger) but each time, I just drive cause I know after a while I'll be comfortable like I have always been. That somehow, a bit of driving, will remind me that I know this. The shift of gears, to keeps your eyes for others, glance the back mirror every once in a while, etc etc.

I realized that I made myself not to drive over 120 km/hour (90 km/hour on a motorcycle) because it kinda triggers some anxiety in me and that feels quite okay too (except when cutting a car, duhh).

I also realized that I prefer to not be driving if I ride with other people because I think I'm just not good enough and that peoples just don't want me.

Almost amazingly, all of this anxiety or fear or traumatized or phobia or whatever peoples call it wasn't really about the accidents but more about fear. I was fearing the aftermath feeling - fear. I wasn't fearing about getting into another accident because I'll never be driving if that is what I fear. I feared the moments after it, the shock, the paramount rush of feelings that comes after, that no ones really understand what I'm feeling and can tell me what I need to hear and that is kinda lonely too. It was so overwhelming that I just can't get a hold of myself. I know the accident is over and I'm okay and everyone is okay but I just am deeply scared.

By time and thorough thinking, I guess, I got better. I feel better.

What those have really helped me throughout life is that it is hard to control what we feel and sometimes we just can't and it is okay. Peoples be saying choose happiness, choose to let go, etc etc but it has been a long and hard way for me to get there and I still got lost sometimes and those "good vibes poster advice" is really annoying. At times, feelings are so overwhelming that I forgot - I am somehow now, are controlled by this.

Feelings are the most addicting things but we never ever choose it and it always sucks us in without us realizing that we are being drowned.

But out of all feelings out there, fear is the most interesting one for me. It's good to find happiness in the most trivial way or to feel sad when your loved ones are dead. But fear is much more interesting. Everyone feels happy when eating their favorite food and everyone feels sad if their loved ones are dead but does everyone have a fear for, I don't know, let's say, driving? Does everyone that got into accident grow fears for driving? Fear is the most crippling things that we let it be.

There is this person, she is some sort of an authoritative figure, and my friends and I always feel like "die lah weyh if need to work with her". You see, what fears thought me is to imagine the worst possible things that might happen and what I need to do. That helps me to justify things are just not much of anything to start feeling fear in the first place. It calms me and helps me to think clearer. However, somehow, we always ended up doing stupid mistakes around her. It stops being scary and started to become a fact that I just have to live with. That is me conquering fear.

"I know I'll do some kind of mistakes somehow and at this point, I don't care anymore, I just need to take note what the mistakes are and just hopes not to repeat it again"

There are a lot of other things that I fear and some of it is just so exhausting. The second most common theme of fear that I, and probably most peoples in the world, is people expectations. 

There are a few things I've learned from this kind of fear, which is sort of funny. It is that (1) whatever people expect from you is really their own problem because life still goes on (2) even if you  know that it is disappointing of you not to achieve "average expectations" - no one actually made it a lifetime thingy to be bothered when we are somehow being scarred for quite some time and the most important lesson is that (3) some people don't actually expect anything and we are the ones who constantly being worried that "what if people say so and so"

But people's expectations always gets to me. Even today.

You guys probably are weirded out by how deep I feel with this topic of fear. I find it interesting to think it through and this helps me to say "it is okay" more truthfully. I think saying "it's okay" is way more important than saying "everything will be alright". Peoples be feeling like shit and someone just say it will be alright? When?

All those moments I formulated the possible outcomes, I always end up saying, it's okay if this or this happens. It just what life is. I'd probably feel shitty for a while but it's okay. Even if there are people's expectation and I did fail them, "it's okay". Nothing good comes from over worrying it and fearing the next possible awful thing to happen.

I don't know why I wrote this. It lacks an actual purpose and I don't even know how to wrap everything but you know what, it's okay.