Roll On: It Has Been Done (big YAYY) and the BIRTH of CRACK CULTURE

Roll On: It Has Been Done (big YAYY) and the BIRTH of CRACK CULTURE

Nov 16, 2018

As in last 19/10/2018 - I finished all my PRP requirement and had all the log books signed by our Ketua Pegawai Farmasi. I didn't finish it in one year though as early October should be the complete one-year. Had to apply to extend it for another month but still, I actually finish it. With that note, yes, my one-year (plus one month-ish) training is done. 

If anything that my "It Has Been" series have thought, is that my one-year training has been so hard and draining. I was beyond relief once I got to send all those log books. Funnily, right after that, I didn't tell anyone for like 3 to 4 days. Not even my friends. It was so surreal and I think part of me subconsciously scared if I'm going to jinx it or something. But once I told the others, another surge of relief comes. I really, really, did this. 

What's even wild is that I thought that once I get to this part, all those emotions I've felt before would felt mundane. That I'll be "I was so childish before, bukan susah sangat pon". Although it is really isn't that hard (work wise) but all the other things that came with it is still such a big toll on me and it affects everything. I don't have even slightest thought that those are mundane or childish. I lived through that and survived. This is one of the big wins in my life.

With that, comes a new question? What is life going to be now? 

Up until now, my life has a specific target to achieve that kinda rules out everything. So while I still do my blog, poetry, and stuffs, it was a side, side, side kind of thing and I can't really indulge in it since my main priority is still to focus my energy on that specific target. But now, my life is about going working and do working stuff and simply a task of day to day (in working hours) achievements. Work is going to be repetitive but stays in working hours. It gives me satisfaction, work-wise, but I want more. Especially now that I have my own life (and money) and generally a whole new canvas to draw on. 

What's next Afifah?

Travel?

Discover poetry world in Malaysia?

Write a poetry book?

Learn new languages or skills?

Volunteering job?

Better blogger?

Hafazan?

Continue Master? PhD?

Umrah? Haji?

Actually, start to live healthier?

All the above?

I'm excited and I haven't felt this way for the longest time.

but for starters - introducing CRACK CULTURE 😎

I'm letting go of Awesomeness since it stops feeling true to embody me. Awesomeness was me trying to do more while serving the main priority in life. Basically, how life can be more than just achieving your focus at the time being. I needed this blog renovation because now life is going to be uncertain but lot more new possibilities. Awesomeness can't embody that. So CRACK CULTURE is born. 

Crack can means lots of thing - to break something, cocaine, to make fun, wild, entertaining etcetera.

CRACK CULTURE is me trying to live more and beyond. 

Roll On: It Has Been 10 Months and What I Do To Feel Better

Roll On: It Has Been 10 Months and What I Do To Feel Better

Aug 12, 2018

It's 4.30 am, I'm currently doing my night shift.

It wasn't as hectic as big hospitals and I decided that I need to write. So here I am.

I'm feeling much more at ease when I went to work these days. It was insane remembering how I used to be and I was thinking that maybe everything can be so much better if I wasn't so crippling in my anxiety and insecurities. This feels rather amazing. I can be me. Yet, it is not all rainbows and unicorns, I still have these anxieties within me. I still feel insecure about lots of things. It is just a bit tamed.

The most amazing thing is that my stupid ass even finds a new way to become anxious. LOL. There will always be moments that I cursed myself for being "too" me - too comfortable. Thoughts like "I'm crossing some boundaries" or "I need to be quiet because I'm just a nobody" or "Someone must be talking behind my back about how much I'm not doing any better" - these white noise is slowly eating me from inside. I'm so mad about how easily affected I am with it. That even if these thoughts are true, I shouldn't be bothered with it. But I do, I do very much.

I'm still useless when I'm tired. I envied how a PRP-mate of mine can push herself so bad by staying up late, doing faster jobs and were so brave. It is a good kind of envy as I feel a bit motivated to do more. Maybe not as much as her cause I'm so useless staying up late, but simply a bit more lahh.

Anywho, in the spirit of me being more comfortable at work and can control my anxiety and insecurities a bit better. I'm gonna share you guys about how I manage (this sounded so invalid, but trust me, these works)

1. Find some place to escape - periodically

Mine would be home. I made this rule that I need to go back home at least once every two weeks. It's one thing if this is KL and I have all my friends. If I stayed, I literally only have myself and my issues to myself. Not good. I love to go home. I do some chores, cooks, watch something on Iflix and just spend some time with my family. The idea of this escape is to force yourself to not think about your issues. Dwelling in it will make me feel worse. A bit of separation time is very important to me. Earlier, I'd still feel anxious even when I'm at home (I've written about this as well) but I always force myself to be present, which leads us to my second tips.

2. Be aware of yourself

Some people love to just be miserable and hope it just went away. I read somewhere (credible source of course), that you need to confront your issues - head first. You need to name what are you feeling. It helped me a lot knowing that I feel miserable because I'm having anxiety and insecurities almost all the time (lessen now, of course). It helps me to be present with my issues and coaxed myself to feel better because what I'm feeling is just some groundless feelings. This is not me being in denial - but I find myself so attracted to the idea of rationalizing things. That my anxiety/insecurities just me torturing myself. That it is most likely just me exaggerating or even if it is true - I need to let it go. Knowing exactly what I'm dealing with (by naming what you are feeling) helps me to decide if this a new issue or if I should spend time dealing with it. That is this only happens in my head?

3. Letting Go

I've told about Leo Babauta book The Letting Go Ebook (it's free) and his first free ebook that I love so much - "Little Book of Contentment". These books taught me about being grateful for what you have and to let go of things - especially my anxiety, insecurities, being afraid and peoples too. I've read it a long time ago but it has helped me a lot more these days. It wasn't some overnight success of course. It takes a lot of time (and practice) but the main point is to always do it. I think it is important that as much as I consistently went into this black hole of negative feeling that I always try to beat it with something positive with the same intensity.

4. Be productive

I can't stress enough how being productive will help you feel so much better. Especially in my case, most of my anxieties is that I feel that I need to give more. But you can't just start doing things randomly. I find myself doing daily to do list helped a lot. Be rational with it too. You don't want writing to many "to do" and end up feeling stressful because you can't live up to it. The satisfaction upon completing your daily goals will help you feel better. Even more so, being a slump (like what I always resort too), only will make you feel worst.  Not gonna lie though, I'm still so bad at it. 

5. Make your place awesome

I changed my curtain and buy some simple rack to put things. I always re-organize things so that it fits how I work around. It takes times and energy but it's totally worth for it. Having a place that makes you feel comfortable is important. If that cute plushies feel comfortable to sleep with - buys it! It some stuff feels just too much but you can't find the heart to throw it  - just throw it away already. If you don't have any idea - research! Pinterest is the best way to start. I remember how returning to my room used to be stressful. Now, when it feels more like me, I like it better. It feels like a safe haven for me. I like how it felt such a haven especially after a long day at work.

6. Good sleep is lyfeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Omg, I hate it so much when I can't sleep well. Currently, I'll put on earplugs (it wasn't loud, but the dull of not hearing anything feels good to sleep with) and I have this comfortable comforter which helped me a lot to sleep better. Phone before sleep is a big no no. I notice how I woke up better if I don't use my phone before sleep. I also used f.lux on my laptop that will automatically dim my laptop and reminds me that in how many hours I need to wake up. I had it bad earlier when I started working that it is just so hard for me to sleep and when I finally did, I'll have nightmares (work related, again, I've told about this as well) and thus end up not having a good sleep. It is such a long way for me to get my sleep. If you guys have the same issues, do figure it out. There's a lot of things to try to get better sleep. Try it all.

7. I finally got back to my lovely morning coffee routine

To have my me + coffee time in the morning is so IMPORTANT. It always helps me to set the right kind of mood to kickstart the day. When I have it bad with my anxiety, I was so anxious that I can't even enjoy my morning coffee and was always in a foul mood in the morning. My morning routine is so important for me. It was something I have done since forever. So when my anxiety makes it impossible to calm down and enjoy my coffee, it just makes me feel even worst. I insist on you guys to have some sort of morning routine too. Starting the day the right way is important to actually go through it.

 

8. Writing

Writing is my best kind of therapy. Either on my blogs or working on poems for my Instagram account. I made it a point now to start writing poems again. You can see that my Instagram is now regularly updated. I know not everyone is gifted in writing. You can try writing in daily journals/diary. Even writing to-do list kinda makes me feels good. Peoples have always say that writing daily journals helped. I've tried that though, it didn't work for me. But writing in my blog and making poems does. If you can find a way to write things, give it a try! If you feel like writing a certain topic and don't have anywhere to publish it, I am more than happy to publish it here on my blog. Just DM me on my Instagram account

 

9. Pray

I not gonna lie, I am by far not the most devout person. But praying is important. The moments after solat and at every time you feel down, say a little prayer. It makes me feel at ease a bit knowing that Allah always understands me and praying to Him and hoping in Him is the best way to cope with things. Especially when He is the one that holds the power over everything. I'd suggest trying Mathurat. It's filled with good and beautiful duaa. Pray :)

Roll On: It Has Been 8 Months *rambling*

Roll On: It Has Been 8 Months *rambling*

May 21, 2018

I don't feel so good.

This gonna be me rambling stuff.

I always have this thought that I didn't feel genuinely happy for quite some time. I can't even recall the last time I feel happy. Yesterday, on my way back to the hospital (as I was spending the weekend at home) I recall that during the weekend, I didn't feel anxious about work. Hence, the time spent at home doing simple things like watching some movies, talk to my sisters, got the chance to meet my cousins, cooks, went to "bazaar Ramadhan" with my dad - feels kinda good. I'm not really sure about the actual science that leads me to be able to forgo the anxiety, but it did, and yes it feels good.

But as soon as I reached the hospital, to my mopey room, and the truth starts to sink in that I need to work and I just suck at it and I have lots of things to do but just don't feel like doing it at all and that somehow everyone judges me so talk in slow voice, avoid eye contact, watch every word that comes out from your mouth, avoid peoples - it just so fucking tiring.

source

I even feel tired that I always write the same thing out. I feel like I was being such a brat - moping all the fucking time.

I even feel tired to be literally glued to my phone. It is such good escape from actual reality so excuse me. I am so tired browsing BTS like a typical fangirl because they make me feel good and makes a really good escape too.

What's worse is that I think I might feel better if I finished my PRP requirements but that's the problem - I just don't feel like doing it.

That is all to it for today.

Roll On: It Has Been 5 Months and trying to have a better mental health

Roll On: It Has Been 5 Months and trying to have a better mental health

Mar 6, 2018

My prime in my 25 years of life is during matriculation. I noticed that matriculation was Allah giving me a second chance (because I didn't get good grades in SPM).

I woke up every day at the same time around 6am, always had my power nap which helped me to still focus on evening lectures, had my second nap in the afternoon to get focus for my revision or any assignment that need to be done that night which leads me to always finished my assignment or revision earlier, generally have a good relationship with lots of friends since that was the first time I actually bonded with "peoples" and learn to depend on others (since that was my first time living away from home). I was doing quite good spiritually too. That was my first solid moment that I truly believe I can ask Allah anything and He listens and will grant it if it is mine to hold. It was such a freedom to have such trust.

It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows, of course, those time includes my first real heartbreak, betrayal and generally hopelessness too. I endure it all and looking back at that time, I grow so much from those experiences that had become the foundation of me today. I still grew so much after that but that moment has become such a solid moment building what Afifah is today. 

But Afifah today is far astray.

Why? 

You see, I was so out of it these past two months. I didn't feel genuine happiness or content and feels anxious (about something related to work) all the time. I actually did that well-researched questionnaire to analyze depression and it suggests me to meet a doctor. Me, being a health student and all, of course, rejected the idea that I am depressed. Pfft. I feel tired all the freaking time even though I get enough sleep, I keep procrastinating work, never feel motivated to do anything that I merely do work (at my job) just to past the time, I keep on scrolling socmeds because that way I can keep away "this horrible feeling that I literally wasting away life" and generally feel scared at work because I know I am not improving as I should be thus I'll be judged etc etc.

That's why I've been pondering how good I am during matriculation and why can't I be that Afifah today? Because if I do, man, I can be such an ace at work. 

source

I tried to transform my life, to get that time back, but it always failed miserably. I tried to study at night but I always get damn tired or just damn easily get distracted with other 100 things I should do that I end up doing nothing, I tried to get enough sleep but alas, still tired, I can't get myself to ALWAYS solat on time, can't get myself to read al-quran every day, can't even get myself to be praying earnestly, I was honestly feeling like giving up, that maybe I just don't cut for this pharmacy life and I'll die of depression or something. 

I was pondering so hard at why Allah did this to me. I thought it was because I didn't fight enough. Didn't fight enough to stay disciplined, to stay awake, to give more and more. You know that ayat saying we only get what we gave effort too? I thought I wasn't giving enough effort, but I was so tired all the time and when I don't feel that tired, I just can never focus, how can I give effort? It was supposed to be the same level of tiredness as when I am in matriculation but I excel that time, why can't I be that way now? 

Then I realized it wasn't entirely about effort.

It was my egoistical bastard in me that gets in the way.

source

When I was in matriculation, it was clear that by doing this I still get a chance to become a doctor or pharmacist, you know, typical Asian dreams. Why? Because my dad will love it and my mom will be so happy. My interest that time was on IT and historical stuff but I put it away because people says it won't become a good future so I do this. I never realized it but I did it purely so that my parent will be happy. It was made easy cause Allah always helped those who choose to do it for their parent right? But now it wasn't that pure. Dad doesn't care anymore because he thought I am finally a grown and successful adult. I am solely on my own. This is my world I'm trying to cave in and my intention is so that I'll be approved by everyone. It was pride. It was ego.

For the longest time, I knew I'm such an egoist. I hardly ask help from others and hate so much that I can't do certain things which make me looks stupid which is just another kind stupidity. This is why all my effort goes astray, because I want to get adoration and stupidly trying to become a better Muslim so Allah will give me my satisfaction to become prideful. Pride is the closest to shirik too. I was so so stupid. 

I am not saying "hey you lets join hands and tries to be better Muslim because it will solve everything", but that is what I'm saying. I read zen thingy and meditations and self-help books and it has this one similar thing - be content with whatever you have. Being critical me as usual, I try to relate it to Islamic teaching because Islam is the way of life right? We are also asked to be content but we have better reasons, because us being content meaning His redha towards us, and His redha means happiness. Even in pain or misery, if we have this redha thinking, we will endure it better. 

What I'm trying to say is that, life can be anything you want, it is an endless possibility. But what we feel deeps in our hearts is what matters. That is the thing that will drive us to be better and to use our lives in a way that benefits us instead of becoming an automated thingy that "norms" says we should be. We are not a robot.

Roll On: It Has Been 70 Days and My Anxiety

Roll On: It Has Been 70 Days and My Anxiety

Dec 11, 2017

This one is to all my friend having any hard time - I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU.

Roll On: It Has Been 30 days + 10 Hours

Roll On: It Has Been 30 days + 10 Hours

Nov 11, 2017

I'M ALIVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

If I ever say "He's alive" or "I'm alive" or "It's alive" please understand that it is an indirect reference to Frankenstein (1931) movie - specifically the part where the Frankenstein lives.

source

I had been wanting to write for forever after my previous post but I thought, let's wait a week so that I can give better insight (macam experiment hambik kau) but then things happen and being a working human means I'm lazy + tired + busy. Real question though, anyone misses me?

source

So how's "working" after my previous depressing post? Honestly, I live for that excitement after 5pm before I return to my room feeling anxious that ishouldstudyishouldstudyishouldstudy but I'm too tired or I-just-can't-focus or what-the-heck-i-should-study-anyway? 

During this time, I have been pouring my heart out to my friends and they have showered me with some good advice and reminders like -

1. I can't compare myself to a "pegawai". Of course they knew better, they have worked for awhile already.

2. If any negativity happens, just let it pass and don't be bothered by it. 

3. Fuck what others say and what they "might" think as long as you know you're not doing bad things (my friends are decent, they don't really say fuck).

4. Yes, we will fell anxious everyday but it's okay (this hit me hard and just something I really need)

source

5. Be dumb, it's okay, it's not a sign of weakness. I realize that I'm afraid to ask because I thought people expects that I know things which is at some points, true, but I just don't remember everything. Sometimes, I do remembers it but either I'm feeling to anxious or just tenses, I can't have myself recalling my memories. That's what make it harder for me and for this I don't have a choice but just ask and ask and try to adapt myself so that I can function better. 

6. Do it for the sake of yourself and not because you want to impress others. I always thought before that I should do things so that my preceptor (the pegawai that will rate me) will sees it and then I can get better mark. Although it is true but it kinda stresses me out until my friend point out that ultimately, my time practicing now is so that I can practice better in the future. Trying to surpass people expectation only stresses you out so it will be hard to improve yourself. So do it at your own pace/way. InshaAllah by time you will improve and that will be seen in your work for my preceptor to rate.

7. Do your work honestly for Allah. My salary will be used by me and my family so it is important to make sure it's barokah is there. For that, I need to be honest in my work, all the time, every time and man, this always soothes me when things feels too much.

But most importantly, I started to remind myself conciously that I need to forgive myself and not expect so much from myself. I have to do it at my own pace and in this beginning phase - it will be hard and it is okay. I just have to do my best but not pushing it too much or else I'll be stressed out all the freaking times. Lets hope I can adapt fast and stop feeling so anxious every morning before work.

Although, I do feeling better now so I don't bother my friends much lol. Thanks guys for spending time to actually help me. I love you guys so much.

source

Those who had commented such kind words at my previous post have also make my life better. It's good to know someone who barely knew me actually care enough to give such good words. My blogger friends are the best!

Oh, why the 10 hours? I started my other-than-office-hours shift this week (yay me!) and had done two evening shift which is last Monday and last night (from 5pm to 10pm). Tomorrow's night will be my very first night shift, (10pm-8am). Monday will be my day off since those who work night shift and the next day is a working day will automatically gets the day off.  

Tune in for my next update and we'll see if I'm still having anxiety~

By the way, I've been eating in some cool places here in Sungai Besar, I think I might need to do review for those~

Bye for now, stay away from IT clown.

Roll On: It Has Been 9 Days

Roll On: It Has Been 9 Days

Oct 12, 2017

Maybe I'll do series featuring how I feel according to how many days I have worked.

Maybe I will.

this is so out of context but I have to put a picture kann.

Here is the deal. Since there aren't enough spots to do our one-year training/practice service, we can't get the pharmacist practice license. It's the law. Get a degree, practice under supervision for a year (or two) and get the practice license. We need to complete this first. Doctors call it as houseman-ship while for us it is PRP-ship (provisionally registered pharmacist). 

I have waited for about 14 or 15 months to finally get called. I was in the last group from our batch. In those months, we have called many times and were repeatedly promised a spot. Alhamdullilah, this October, I finally get the spot in Hospital Tengku Ampuan Jemaah.

Tomorrow will be the end of my second week and it is DAMN OVERWHELMING.

Staying home for too long had done so much on me.

I forget everything and god know I'm not studying at home for sure, menyesal gilaaaaa.

By everything, I mean EVERYTHING.

From how to focus and study, how to motivate myself, to calm myself, to be confident because now I'm like super penakut of freaking everything and even takut with the pegawai and they are not those garang ones too, wth me! 

I'm not kidding! I feel super timid, I hardly make eye contact, hardly talk. Most of the times I was too quiet for my own good. I was working on automatic and hardly focus to actually get myself practicing. I was hoping that at least my body now had learned to work automatically and just have those muscle memory thingy.

When I get back, I was too tired and can't seem to do anything. Literally anything. Solat and I was like "I can just shower tomorrow~"

I feel so sad. I try to focus, make myself study, in which I can't recall anything that I have studied. I tried to do like daily goals (try to calculate dose today, try to remember the medicine strength we havetoday, try to ask with louder voice today) which I failed miserably. I was so blank and when I try to will myself to focus on those goals, well, let's just say, will me na-ah.

I am now stationed at the out-patient department, meaning those pharmacies you went to collect medicines after being checked by the doctors. To be exact, the filling station, where I'll read the prescription and fills the necessary medications. It was quick and tense (for me lah, others were so laid back), I was always checking only the printed labels although I should have followed the actual prescription itself. I tried to at least reads it and mentally calculate it to make sure it tallies with the printed ones and it took awhile and I feel like I burdened everyone with my slowness. I know I should not feel bad because I'm still new but fuck yeah I'm still feeling super concious. 

I don't know.

One thing for sure is that now, I kinda feel like being a pharmacist in a hospital was actually quite a nice job. I can actually picture myself in the future doing this forever although I always thought I didn't fit in. Although it might be too early to say this since I still didn't do my clinical attachments. 

Oh ya, for this whole year, I will be rotated to all pharmacist department in the hospital so that I can learn everything. When I get the license and can practice legally (insyaAllah), I will be changed to a new hospital where there will I get a specific service/post to focus on. The services include clinical department (those in the wards), the outpatient department, storage departments (manage all those medicine buying etc), inpatient department (caters medicine supply to the wards) and some other services that will take longer explanation.

I should study now but in the midst of needing to study everything, stuck on where to start and also the main problem of not being able to focus - here am I, writing. 

Writing babbling.   

Yay.

Roll On: One Passion, Two Passion, A Higher Reason (handwritten)

Roll On: One Passion, Two Passion, A Higher Reason (handwritten)

Sep 30, 2017

So I feel like writing when I was doing one week "kursus" before working, kinda a compulsory thingy, and since I don't have the time to write on my laptop, I wrote in my notebook instead. Here it is.

It's quite raw and not properly detailed, but I thought, I'll just do it.

I'll be "lapor diri" next Monday and am too nervous at the moment to write anything.

Let's hope the new dormitory have wifi or some sort or else it's gonna be awhile for me to update.

*passion or no passion, challenges will be there and .........