Living Late Twenties : 30 Questions Before Turning 30

Living Late Twenties : 30 Questions Before Turning 30

Oct 20, 2022

I found this question on Elite Daily. If you guys feel like doing it as well, let me know so I can read it as well. I don't feel like ranting so let's just get straight into it.

What am I looking for in a partner?

 

I have told this before that during my time in Kuantan, I come to an understanding about myself that I do have certain physical attributes that draw me in. Apart from that, I'm looking for someone who can match my wit, and ways of thinking but most importantly, someone that I can enjoy a conversation with. This has led me to a certain type of personality and educational background too. I'm good at matching people's energy which indirectly makes me a people pleaser. So, on the surface, it might look like we get along well and don't get the wrong impression - we really do get along but I'm looking for someone that can bring out my other sides and someone that I can enjoy a good banter #lol

 

Is this the person I want to spend my life with?

I have been single for years so we can skip this questions

What will make me happy?

The first thing that come to my mind is traveling. You see, I enjoy traveling, but I'm not an avid person for one. Really not the wanderlust vibe kind of people that travel for experience and culture and need to go around the world etc. I really only look at it as a way of spending your holiday. I'm also not one that want to spend energy into planning long trips too but I love doing short trips. It's less demanding and easily executable. This is something rather new that I come to understand about myself. I like the feeling of being in an alternate life and just absorb it all. It feels like a break for the mundane of life and give a chance for me to clear out my head. It's not necessarily being clearing out the stress but more on giving myself a chance to see things in different perspective. Let's hope for more travel!

 

 

  

 Is this worth it?

For now, my work is the only thing that got me thinking the worthness of it all. Is this really worth to spend my entire life for. I'm barely a year into this new environment of working that is really ideal for my growth but I'm starting to think how this might not be it entirely. It might not be someone that I want to see myself being in the future. I need to do a total career change if I really pressed on this further. I'm giving myself a few months to think this through first and the necessary life adjustment I might need to venture if I really do want a career change.

Is this the job I want in 10 years?

Oh god, I don't expect that this question directly linked to my answer in the previous question. For now, I'm 60% sure that I don't want it in 10 years.

Do I miss him?

I don't know. There's red flags but again, we don't really know each other. I'm not sure if I actually miss him or the ideal of him or the good times we spend with each other itself.

Do I have any real regrets?

I don't. One thing I always come to terms with whatever thing life throws at you is that - I always looking at it as a life experience. Simply a way to learn more about life and myself. Even if I did something regretful, I'll try my best to accept it and move on.

What goals do I still have?

I don't have goals. I don't know what I want in life. I'm living one day at a time and only do necessary changes when I feel that the current on isn't what I want. I'm good at knowing what I don't want. However, pursuing writing a lot more seriously seems good.

 What impact that I want to make?

I'm fairly a simple person. I don't feel like I need to make an impact. If my writing could give an impact to whoever reading it, that would a good kind of impact that I would greatly appreciate.

Do I want a family? 

 

 A partner, yes. A family as in my own kids, I don't feel that those are meant for me.

             

 

Are my friends really my friends?

Being 29, I think I'm settled with the few friends I have. That I can trust wholeheartedly. Yes, they really are my friends.

Am I a good friend?

I can't vouch for myself for sure but I would be more than willing to do anything in my power to help my friends.

Is this the city that I want to live in?

I have never been able to see myself living here back home. However for a year or two from now, I feel like I need to be here for my siblings and it feel the most right thing to do. I've been thinking about how I love living in Kuantan. I used to think that such cities can be a good place to live in and indeed it is. The six hours journey really isn't it though. Probably would be a better choice once the trains are ready?

 When was the happiest time of your life?

There are multiple occasions that makes me feel happy but I like to think of this question to be one defining and monumental occasion which I don't have yet. Maybe there'll be one for me in the future.

 Am I a good daughter?

Again, I can't vouch for myself plus my father isn't really one that talks out stuff. My family is everything for me and for that I will do anything in my power to make them happy.

 Am I a good person?

I get to interact with lot of people working in retail and being in pharmacy especially means people who are in need of help. It's basically my daily basis. I always reflect myself after assisting a customer. Did I really helped them out? Did I really listen to them? Was there any bias involved? There's pressure of needing to do sales, I'm not going to deny that but I always hope that I really, really helped out. That my suggestions are only those that benefits and that I didn't give false expectations. I hope I'm a good person to them.

 

Do I care what people think of me?

As of at this moment, I care too much. I let some things get to me too easily and too much too. Not all, just some. I'm not one to care too much actually so for me to be this bothered just exhaust me. I thought I got a good grip of myself at 29 years old but it seems new environment warrant me the chances to still improve this part of myself.

Should I feel guilty about cutting someone off?

I would say that I don't open up much to people and for the past few years of my life, having to live alone, I become so comfortable with myself. I don't necessarily feel the need to always be with peoples. I'm content with the few friends I have and the occasional meeting up with old friend or new people. It also means that I just don't feel the need to be connected with people I don't enjoy their company. It's kinda natural now. I don't feel guilty whatsoever. It is what it is.

Are my friends the friends I want for life?

Yes. See, here's the thing. Peoples around my age usually has a partner or has already married. It's just imposibble to stay connected to them as they also have other people they need to commit too. What this also means is that it's not easy to build a new friendship too so I don't see the possibilities of making and investing new frienships in the future. So, there's that. I'm grateful that the ones I have now are great but that's quite a POV now doesn't it?

Do people respect me?

At first, I thought this is a stupid question. How can you know if a person respects you? I think we can gauge something from how people response to you but that will be extirely up to how you perceive things. Then again, knowing this objectively could really help your growth too.  

 Do I care enough about my body?

I'm not sure if this question was meant for body image or body health. However, it feels better to direct it to health. I've learned to be more concious about it but sadly, I'm not doing much to maintain it. I want to first improve my diet as in eat healthily and on time and like at least get 10k steps per day. I should really put more effort in this as I'm starting to feel I get tired easily and can hardly focus well too.

 Can I speak up for myself?

I can and sometimes it can be such little thing which I don't even realize it was me speaking up for myself. It could be that I feel "you're having a wrong assumptions about me" so now I'm "just clarifying". However, I wouldn't put myself as far as being "the change" in an uncooperative situations but to the very least, if the situations permits, I don't have a problem to walk out from it too.

 Is it too late to change?

 

Of course not. Especially if you put out effort, surely there's a mean for you to effectively adopt change.

Do I need someone?

I used to think I'm independent enought that I don't need anyone. I could simple wait. Now, however, still as independent, I feel like needing someone to be there for you is such an assuring thing to have in your day to day life. So yeah, I do need someone.

Do I need more?

The more thing I need in life right now is feeling accomplished and satisfied with whatever I'm doing. Be it at work or vacationing, I yearned to always make the most from it and it could differ from one situation to the other but there's a little "I've done it" achievement that I want. I'm still that "living life one day at a time kind of girl" but now I value those feeling of achievement more conciouslly.

 

 Am I ready to be an adult?

Yes I am. It might be only a partial of how the society perceive what an adult is, but on my own term, I am and seeking to always be a better version of it. I'm also learning my boundaries and with that I'm also learning to not be intimidated by others.

Have I challenged myself?

I have and I want to challenge myself more.

Will I found love?

I really don't know. As I told before, having someone feels good of course but I'm not obsessed over it. I would feel bad if I can't find anyone though but if it is meant to be, it will be.

 Do I have the life I wanted?

I don't know what kind of life I really wanted. There's some aspect in my life that I still want to venture around more and see how it takes me. For the past 5 years, I've been moving around few times and get to experince multiple workplace environment. If one thing I have learned is that 20's or even 30's can still be early to simply settles down. Life can offer so much more for you to really understand yourself better and knowing what kind of life you wanted.

Am I really 30?

        I'm 29 actually but yes of course I am really turning 30. So what? 

 

Living Late Twenties - Random List (insecurities, fears, wants)

Living Late Twenties - Random List (insecurities, fears, wants)

Apr 23, 2022

I feel like my previous post sounded too positive for my liking that I can't bear to read it again and now for today, I'm going to be flat out depressing af.

Yesterday I came to know about some unsettling things about the few toxic co-workers here. It was daunting especially since a few days before, I was having this second thought where I feel like I might be okay here but now I'm not so sure anymore. To think that I must first "survive" these months with these people who were supposed to "train" me has made me even more unnerving.

I even decided to simply binge on caffeine to make days more tolerable plus here is some random list of insecurities, fears, and wants because reveling in this will be my coping mechanism from now onwards.

insecurities

1. The first thing that comes to mind is my English. I always know my English isn't fluent but I can still convey a decent conversation yet nowadays, I can't do shit. I think I'm going to simply talk in bahasa melayu or a simple broken English je cause I'm done!
2. My selling skills - I feel like I can do better at selling things and that I need to learn more but I simply forget everything that I learned it feels pointless to learn more now.
3. Everyone else is so good so now I am left feeling like an inadequate potato.
4. I simply avoided these toxic staff who were actually the ones that are responsible to supervised my training here because they made me feel small and also they can be judgy so yeah.
5. All of these mean I put expectations on myself and failed so now it made me feel even worse.
6. Also, I keep on having these condescending thoughts that some people are looking down on me because I'm being naive with my way of thinking and this kinda invalidates my feeling. I hate second-guessing my own feeling. I mean if wanting to feel better seems too naive of a life choice and that somewhere in the future this will all be better - well, let me have my mistakes and mourn them over first.

p/s - texting in whatsapp's work group at 12am is not okay.

fears

1. I'm afraid if these are simply what it is and that if I can't cope here, I might not be able to elsewhere as well as this sector is going in this direction.
2. Am I able to manage this kind of outlet? That is what is expected from me and what I want to be able to do, but now it feels discouraging.
3. I learned a few new criteria that I need to secure when finding a new place so if I quit I'm afraid that I can't get a decent offer that will fit my newfound expectations.
4. I might need to change my career path - this isn't a fear per se, but needing to adjust to a new environment can be troublesome
5. That these sectors will be filled with more of these toxic peoples

wants

1. I think I'm finally ready to get into a relationship. I was trying Tinder for fun but I think I can get more serious. I don't put many expectations though. The few that I've matched aren't really worth pursuing. Although I do think my approach should've been better and more directed. It's kinda fun to venture into a new side of me as well,
2. I want to settle into my own style of selling more confidently and not be pressured per the company expectations which kinda feel like I am now simply a salesperson first, a pharmacist second.
3. I want to be able to have more energy and spirit to enjoy life as I used to -I probably need to start with sleeping and waking up early
4. I WANT MORE MORNING SHIFTS FFS.
5. I also want to eat better because this gastritis is annoying.
6. I want to be young foreverrrrrrrrrr.

Selamat Berpuasa (I know I'm late) and Selamat Hari Raya (I know I'm early)

Living Late Twenties - New Job, New Atmosphere and Far From Home

Living Late Twenties - New Job, New Atmosphere and Far From Home

Feb 28, 2022

I need to spend some hours just to tweak my laptop back. I did some personalization on it as to make it more "aesthetically pleasing" but the system I used kinda annoying and I've been meaning to try new stuff but this has been going for months already but each time I'm at my laptop it was for work or like I'm watching something for the sake of my mental health.

I've just watched Eternals the other day, the plot was amazing but the storytelling part (I don't know what the exact term should be) could've been better. I am kinda done with MCU, mostly because there's a lot of them and I can't be bothered to keep up. Like I've only watched No Way Home because my siblings wanted to and we did like the whole gang going to the cinema and all. Not gonna lie, I love the surprise plot so so much.

I love Eternals though. I think my brain is simply wired to love anything with Angelina Jolie in it. She's so prettyyyyy. I'm not a k-drama girl and watched only a handful of Korean movies plus some sneak when my sister was watching it but I know who Ma Dong Seok is and I adore him. So I was looking forward to seeing him in this too. It was great. I love it. But the end though T_________________T

Ok, that's it, now let's get into the real reason why I'm writing today. I kinda have to write those first because I need to feel that I have other things in my life instead of just my new work that has been positively stressing the hell out of me. But in a good way. 

But stress is always stressing though.

I've written before that I was doing my three-month notice and today marked my third week of training at my new place. It's a one-month training plus six months probation kind of deal and god I am not doing well.

I was so stressed out for the fact that I'm now in Kuantan, a total of six hours away from my home, needing to adjust to a new working environment which is like a mix of 360-degree changes from my previous work plus a whole other kind of expectations that I didn't expect, somehow having one of the colleagues awfully reminds me of this one colleague at the hospital I work before that I simply hate and now I feel like I need to re-boot that It Has Been series.

The worst thing is I am alone here. Don't give me that "sapa suruh pi keje sana?" because the deal was that after I finish my probation, I'm going to work at their new branch at Perak, which conveniently hasn't opened yet. I am trying my most damn to hold onto that silver lining, that I can finally work in Perak, but there's no outlet opening in Perak now so it's kinda hard to keep a "positive mindset" at the moment (insert that skull emoji right here).

This opportunity is by far the most challenging I have been and from what I've been talking with my friends, it might be the most challenging there is in our sector. We've always known this though but when you're in the system, it's a whole different kind of thing and everything simply makes sense. Simply think of it as the Family Mart of the 24-hours convenience stores or like the Pavilion of shopping malls. Their system is really what made it possible and from what we've been talking with my friends, it is indeed currently the only one who brings up to this par and they also pioneering with amazing health services. It was indeed a celebration of our professionalism too.

However, did I tell you that for my probation, they stationed me in one of their most performing outlets? So it's like adapting to a new way of working altogether plus in the most hectic outlet as well. Welcome to my life.

It is a stressful expectation with a lot of tiring effort, and a combination of both is never a good thing in my life, talking from past experiences too. Am I exaggerating? Well most probably, since I've only been in the shop for a few days, it's not enough time to be making conclusions. Yet, I know that I need to acknowledge this. That understanding this helps me to set the right mindset versus per what "performing peoples" be saying is that I need to power through.

I hate that mindset, it feels wrong that you need to summon extra power to go through something on a daily.

I might be making too many early judgments or I might be wise enough to actually be making good early judgements (lol) but here's for today. An absolute newbie and this newbie is taking this hard. 

Yet also this newbie realizes that this is the next step that I need to go onto while still being young. That this is a big and quite a rare opportunity that enables me to absorb more relevant and structured knowledge and experiences. That I will absolutely love the outcome of my own self-progress if I succeeded in the probation. That I needed this challenge in order to become better in the way that I want and the space to be able to channel my growth. For all of these, I'm simply at THE place to be. So this is going to be my mindset.

But I'm going to need some minor practical shifts and reminders to do on the daily too. Like how to cope with that one colleague, or when the stresses are building up, what can I do? Especially since simply going back home isn't the best choice now. Good time management too so that I can succeed in all the expectations they set for me and not be a living burnt-out body.

The most important thing is the need to keep a fresh mindset every day instead of being daunted by the previous one so that I can work my best to improve myself. This is key. The key.

Oh ya, I need to buy a new MediFeet shoe if I'm going to be standing all day.

Living Late Twenties - Life of a single working person living alone

Living Late Twenties - Life of a single working person living alone

Dec 2, 2021

My last post was on the 4th of October. It's a good two months of me not writing anything. Not sure how I am feeling about that but yesterday, I do suddenly missing writing my poems. 

I thought I'm going to write about how life has been just to show how a person in her late twenties is doing. Writing a poem is not it by the way. I miss it so much though.

A lot has been happening and everything went so fast. Before I knew it, there's another two months left before my three months notice is finished. Yup, that happens. I went on for an interview, succeeded and in two months, I'll be working a new place. I got two fresh new staff that I need to train, again, and I hope they'll stay long enough or at least until the company got a new pharmacist to replace me. The new staffs are so much easier to work with so I'm immensely thankful for that.

I did my presentation for the company last month. It was my first time ever doing a presentation in this company and outside of the hospital setting. It occupies me for a good two weeks. I keep putting off doing the slides in favor of training new staff (the ones who have quit) and doing everything on my own since I can't rely much on the new staff. I even did the slides at home because I wanted to finish them before going on a short staycation-ish trip with my friend. It was only for a few hours though. I am very serious about not doing my work at home. 

I'm so proud of the slides. I purposely choose a title that I don't know much and with that, I was able to learn so many new things. The presentation went well too. All and all, it was a good success.

The staycation is a success too. We were celebrating a friend of ours who came back from Sabah. We stayed at Dorsett KL, play some electronic scooter, watch a good horror movie, frolicking in the rooftop pool for hours and end it with a nice hi-tea buffet at Atmosphere 360. 

She did drop us a bomb by suddenly saying she is going to get married without any notice about how there's a prospective guy in her life. Now that's something that I'm not sure if I was borderline mad or just annoyed about. I'm not really close with her as we rarely get the chance to see each other but there's a few of us back then so it was natural for us to get her into our group. I guess she was that introverted person which we adopt so I love being able to celebrate her. I can't help also feeling betrayed when she told us that like it was nothing. 

I feel like sharing this because it's one of the things that usually happen and sometimes it can be a confusing thing.

The problem is that when I get angry or anything, I tend to shut down from such people. At first, it was because I realized that I can be so cruel when I'm mad so I learned to just step away. Before long, stepping away becomes letting them go and I am simply at peace. It is surprisingly easy to let go. Like if I ever did this to you, I'm sorry but I can't give you any good explanation because I just can't be bothered so there's that. 

I need to improve my communication skills. Like a friend of mine has been so annoying lately and I'm like "We need to switch you off for a while" but the pharmacy he's working at is finally opening today so I need to wish him or something. I'm so proud of him though.

I've been spending more time with my family since the interstate travel ban has been lifted. They have finished re-did my old grandparent's house and I finally get to see it. It was so nice being able to stay in my village again. We even do a small get-together with my relatives there.

I didn't get updated with Covid-19 cases much these past months and my new housemate told me that we might go into another lockdown so that's a thought I'm going to put far behind my mind. Oh ya, I got two new housemates so no more putting stuff everywhere because I was the only one here. That was a sweet one month of privacy.

Besides those is the typical changing new tyres, getting a deal for a new brake pad, going for Dr Ko sessions and I even get the chance to try a new restaurant around here. I don't read though. I need to continue my reading lol. 

I think that is all and it has been good.

Also, I put those Veets cream above my upper lips area to get rid of those tiny hairs. I tried shaving but it didn't give me a smooth finish. Waxing causes small bumps afterward. Putting Veets makes it so smooth so yeah. Don't do it.

Living Late Twenties - No Commitment ?

Living Late Twenties - No Commitment ?

Jul 25, 2021

I'm starting a new series called "Living Late Twenties" to address few topics about my own realities. These will mainly revolve around my current life as I'm approaching the thirties. There are a few reasons why I want to do this. Firstly, it helps me stay grounded. Secondly, it helps me become more aware of myself and what I want or need from it. Thirdly, it helps me be in touch with more heavy issues like my mental health, pharmacist career, all those hartal thingy and working for a private company. Lastly, I hope it will improve my writing and vocabulary as well. 

For today's topic - I'm writing about my current life with no commitment.

I guess my main commitment, for now, is work. For someone who is adamant to have a work-life balance, it is just cruel that I ended up having "work" as my main commitment. I'm not one to think about how you should work hard and play hard. Climb up the ladder of career and come out triumphant at the top of it. Or simply make tonnes of money to retire early. I knew there's a balance to be kept between my work life and my personal life but I also know that these two things can't really be separated as black and white. 

The two will always coincide. 

I hold on to this principle where your work is still your life but your life isn't all about your work. So for me, working is still me living my life. I can only afford this kind of mindset if I have a job that I enjoy and that excites me.

This is something I have thought deeply about long before I started my degree in pharmacy. I never really know what I wanted to be. I just made sure I did science stream just to warrant me a variety of choices when the time comes for me to finally needing to choose one. 

Choosing pharmacy was a mixed-off different reason. 

There's this expectation from my father and as for my late mother, she doesn't really ask much but I know choosing something like pharmacy will make her proud. There's this heavy "science" influence as I have been a science student for the longest time so I knew I needed to choose something of science-based. I also knew being me, I needed a career with a touch of the outside world and also allow me to engage with people so labwork isn't really appealing at all. I also want to do something that allows me to help people. I just think it will be a good life to live when your work involves helping others. 

One thing I didn't expect is how people simply expect me to choose medicine and be a doctor. We all know doctors have all those on-call shifts whatsoever plus needing to tend to gory wounds. You can't pay me enough to live such a life. 

via GIPHY

Apart from work, there's my car, bills and monthly rent. That's it. I'm blessed to have a father that still and most probably will always be, hardly does any work, but still be making enough money to live comfortably and take care of all of my other siblings. I do make a point to splurge my siblings though. I also took this path to spend the money on my skin. I have spent thousands for god sake and restarting all over again when I got a breakout as Covid-19 strikes. This time I am adamant to eat Accutane at least until the compulsory mask-wearing rule is lifted. I have no significant other so I don't save up money for weddings or whatsoever. Although I do want to make a small ceremony only.

I just started to feel like buying myself a house which will require a more detailed plan so I decided to start saving for a year or so after I finish my laser treatments. I'm thinking to look for a new job too so it's better to settle down in a new job first before deciding the location of the said house. 

I think that's the most beautiful thing about me not having a "real" commitment. I can decide these without pressure and when I feel like it. 

I knew people who ought that a person with my financial abilities should be having a house, should spend on a local car (no offence to those who did but I just don't like those lol, the new Bezza do be looking nice though), should travel the world, should have kids before thirties, etc etc. I'm aware of these expectations but I just never feel like I was the person who is expected to do so. Heck, hartal or not, I'm just looking at it as a way to be flexible and change when I feel like I needed to.

The hardest question is - am I being irresponsible for choosing this way of living? Somehow, social construct made me feel like this is the main issue - that I am somehow being irresponsible. If so, to whom do I owe these responsibilities anyway? Because responsible or not, I am happy and content.

I know for a fact that my father wants me to settle down as soon as possible and I guess at this point he knew he can't say anything that will change my mindset. That's about it.  

via GIPHY

However, there is one thing I know for sure. I owe myself more self-development than my current work. I feel like I need a side thing to do to complete this pharmacist side of mine. I know I needed another commitment and preferably something on the creative side or something that solely depends on me to build on from scratch. 

There are few ideas that I took a liking to. Probably a more professional blogger, freelance content creator, actually put an effort and publish a poetry book, some simple business on Shopee or learn one or two new languages. Something to get my brain active you know. It's hard though. In between this current eight-hour job and just how depressing Covid-19 is being plus THE FREAKING HEAT, it's easier to just not do anything. I don't really have much commitment anyway.